Let’s be real. 2020 was a complete and total dumpster fire.
For me, though, this past year has been a year of eye-opening growth and transformation. Despite the deadly pandemic and all the racial, economic, and social injustices that have further been brought to light this year, I was already on a path to self discovery. And it was through that journey that I was able to make it through the last 365 days. I started writing this just a few days before Christmas, and thinking back to where I was this time last year, it’s almost unfathomable how I got to where I am now.
Some of this might be repetitive from earlier chapters, but for the purposes of this recap, just bare with me. By this time in 2019, I had already had my final revelation that I was ready to leave my relationship. My ex had traumatized me for the last time, and I knew I was finally, truly, ready to get out. I didn’t have a set plan yet. In fact, I was rationalizing that I would end things with him after the holidays, but thought I would stay in the apartment with him at least until early March due to the fact that legally I still owed my 2 months rent notice. Can you IMAGINE if I had stayed until March?!?
The pandemic would have hit and I could have been trapped there in the tiny, claustrophobic apartment I shared with him on the top floor of a house, in Northern Ontario, already isolated from my friends and family, and then further isolated from the world. My ex would have had everything he had ever wanted from our relationship – complete and total control of me. Thank fuck my two girlfriends talked me out of that. I realized, throughout those holidays, that there was no way I could stay any longer than was truly necessary.
My ex and I spent Christmas 2019 with my family. It was the best visit thus far, according to my parents. But I was completely checked out, and he knew it. He knew things were coming to an end and he was scrambling to salvage our crumbling relationship. I keep thinking back to my New Years kiss with him – a closed lip, tight mouthed, completely cold, and unloving peck – very a propos for the year ahead. We went back to our apartment on January 2nd, and I went back to work the following Monday. That Friday, January 10th 2020, I ended my nearly 7 year relationship with my abuser.
That date is so significant to me because I remember making the conscious choice to have that conversation on a Friday, knowing full well it could have escalated to something catastrophic, and I knew I didn’t want to have to go to work the next day.
It’s honestly mind boggling, the amount of planning that goes in to every decision you make when you’re in an abusive relationship. The way your mind molds to their behaviour; your way of thinking – it all just centres around their erratic emotions and mood swings. You have to sugar coat every opinion or thought you have. Walking on egg shells to ensure you don’t set them off. And then, knowing you have to have a conversation with them about how you don’t love them anymore and that you’re leaving…
I’m not exaggerating when I say it was honestly one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
I didn’t know what to expect. In past fights he had already torn my shit up and ripped things off the walls. He had punched holes in the walls and broken dishes. He had thrown things at me. He had screamed so loud in my face that veins would bulge and spit would fly. If all that happened while we were “happy”, what would happen when I told him I was leaving?? Fortunately, and surprisingly, he took it better than I had anticipated. Like I said, he knew it was coming. And after a fairly uneventful 3 weeks (minus the huge fit he pulled 4 days before I was set to move), on January 31st 2020, I closed that chapter of my life and set forth on my journey back to myself.
I feel like I already talk about this a lot because I write about all my experiences in this nifty little blog here. But in looking back on the last several months, I have to say again how surprised and happy I am with where I’ve ended up. How far I’ve come in such a short time… I’ve like, really impressed myself, y’know?! To me, all of that just sounds like I’m bragging or showing off. It feels weird to have confidence, I guess. But I do, I feel confident. My life was stagnant for 7 years. I was trapped in limbo. Seeing so much possibility through my figurative window, but was being held hostage by my relationship and poor life choices. I wasn’t living for myself – and I am now.
It’s indescribable, the freedom I feel now. Even though this year has been completely insane and we’re all living through a literal pandemic, and I don’t have the true “freedom” I expected, I would take this adjustment to the “new normal” every day for eternity, over having to spend one more single second living the life I was living before.
I know my worth now. Yes I’ve lost weight, and I look and feel better than I ever have (talk about bragging), but that’s only the tip of the ice berg. This sounds so cliché, but I’ve finally realized that my worth is not defined by how I look, nor is it defined by someone else’s opinion of me. I’ve had body issues my whole life. Made worse by, but certainly not caused by, my relationship. Throughout my entire existence, I’ve always compared myself to others. Why is she pretty and I’m not? Why is she skinny and I’m fat? Why does she have a boyfriend and I don’t? And even when I could find good qualities in myself, they were never enough. The good qualities I possess still didn’t amount to the attention I wanted from guys so, I was still never good enough.
Maybe, in a twisted way, I’m thankful for my shitty relationship? Unpleasant as much of it was, I think I needed some of those experiences to really see that I do, actually, deserve better. Not only from others, but from myself. I let all that happen to me because I really didn’t think I could do any better. That I could ever look any better. That, just, as a person I deserved better. I settled for whatever attention and love I was given because at the time I just felt grateful that a guy wanted to be with me at all.
Now, after having gone through everything I went through, I know that I already have everything I need to be happy, within myself (Chandler Bing voice: Could that *be* any cornier??). But it’s true – I no longer need someone else’s approval. I know now that my feelings, my ambitions, my goals, my thoughts – they’re all valid and worthy of exploring. There’s so much I want to do in this life that I couldn’t have done before. And not just because I was in a bad relationship. Even before my ex, I didn’t have the confidence in myself to ever try anything. I was afraid of failing. Of being embarrassed. Of not projecting to the world the image of myself that I had in my head. I was always worried about what other people thought. I’m not like that anymore… at least not as much! (It’s a work in progress, okay? No one’s perfect)
In the 11 months since I’ve been home, I’ve been able to make significant steps towards my future; like a buying a new laptop and a brand-new bed (and after 4 years of sleeping on a second-hand mattress, on a second-hand box spring, on the floor, because my ex was too cheap to buy a real fucking bed, you can understand my excitement!).
I am manifesting that I will buy a car early in the new year, and I hope to be moved out into my own place by the end of 2021. I’m working at my literal dream job. I’m seeing my friends again on a regular basis (when not in Lockdown). I see my family every day. I can finally enjoy time by myself without being interrogated by my ex for not wanting to spend time with him. I’ve even taken my infertility into my own hands by beginning the process of eventually freezing my eggs so I can have everything I’ve ever wanted when the time is right for me.
I can enjoy my life again and that’s because of me – I did that. I was scared, and beat down, and unsure, and – just a complete shell of a person. But I did it. I changed my life. I stood up for myself and have been reaping the benefits ever since. I’m proud of the person I am today.
I always try to end things with a nice conclusion. I like to tie a figurative bow on a post to finish it just right. But this isn’t the end of anything. I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still discovering things about myself, good and bad, that I never knew I had in me.
Do I have flaws? Definitely. Do I still need to keep working on myself? 100%. Am I still worthy of respect, and compassion, and kindness and empathy and love despite not being perfect? Abso-fucking-lutely. And if I can find a person who can give me all of that, someone who shares my thoughts and goals, or who at least supports them, then wonderful – another positive thing I can add to my life. But if not, that’s fine too because I know now that I can do it all on my own. I can be happy alone. I am happy alone. I’m already giving myself all the respect, compassion, kindness, empathy and love I’ll ever need. The rest is just a bonus.
The plan was to celebrate one year of freedom with a trip to a nearby nature spa. Why? Because I fucking deserve it, that’s why. But now the entire province is back in Lockdown so, hopefully, I’ll be able to do that on my move-home-aversary, instead. Regardless, here’s to the New Year! I’m actually looking forward to 2021. I know the world is still in shambles but, for me at least, I’ve already hit rock bottom. There’s no where else for me to go but up.
My wish for anyone reading this is to know how valued you are in this world. If anything I’ve written resonates with you, if you are currently in a similar situation, or if you’re still coping with past trauma, as I am, know that the future is still bright for you. You have the strength within you to change your situation and to finally choose yourself again.
I hope 2021 is your year, just like this dumpster fire of a year was mine.