The next day at work, she spent the entire day just festering in her rage. She told her two friends about it in the group chat, she vented to her coworker as well. She usually felt better when she talked her problems out, but not this time. She was still so fucking angry.
Not only was she angry, she was in shock. This guy. This tall, cute, sweet-seeming guy did not at all appear to her to be the type of guy who would do something like that. Yes he was freaky with all the foot fetish stuff, but he had asked her permission for everything he wanted to try. So why, out of no where, would he take it upon himself to just finish all over her face like that?!
Was he just some lame, loser, man-boy who watched waayyyy too much porn? Well yes, very likely. But when they weren’t getting freaky; his attitude, his demeanor, his personality… he just seemed like such a nice guy! He was such a positive, sunshiney person. She did not at all expect that kind of behaviour from him. Nor did she expect to be kicked out and treated like a literal prostitute. (Not even! At least prostitutes get paid. She, apparently, let guys humiliate her for free!) This was the kind of shit she was used to throughout her toxic relationship, which just added to her fury. She was pissed off that she had been duped, again, by someone like her ex.
Monday came and went. By Tuesday, she was still upset, but the anger had dissipated slightly and she realized more than anything, her feelings were hurt. He crushed her by treating her that way. Yet again, another guy proved to her that she was only good for sex. She was nothing but a dirty whore to him. But that reality still just didn’t sit right with her because when they had met, and all throughout their first sexual encounter, he looked at her like the sun literally shone out of her ass. She saw a light in his eyes when they were on her. She had never felt about herself the way he made her feel when he was talking to her, telling her how gorgeous and amazing and awesome she was. (Obviously. Who wouldn’t like that?) But she felt seen by him. Until he used her as a disposable fuck toy.
Tuesday night, she was laying in bed watching TV. Her mind fading in and out from the show back to Chad. Then all of a sudden, IT HIT HER! She had the epiphany of all epiphanies! She realized what had actually happened.
When she and Chad were having sex and he asked her to swallow, she had then asked if he wanted to finish on her feet instead. Well, what if he didn’t hear “feet”?? He thought he heard her say the words, “do you want to cum on my face?”
That’s why he paused. He must have been surprised that she would ask for that.
That’s why he seemed disgusted and repulsed by her afterwards and wouldn’t cuddle with her when she got back in to bed.
That’s probably why he kicked her out so early. He thought she wanted him to do that on her face. He thought she liked being treated that way. No wonder his view of her changed, she thought.
She darted up in her bed and grabbed her phone. She wrote out a draft text and then spent the next 10 minutes editing it. When fighting with her ex, they would sometimes communicate via text messages to avoid all the yelling. She would have to ensure her words were expertly chosen so she wouldn’t receive his wrath. She took the time to write this text to Chad as if she were writing to him. But then she remembered that she did nothing wrong in this situation. That not only was Chad not her ex, but he was actually just some young, dumb guy to whom she owed absolutely nothing. That realization made it easier to send him this:
“Hello. I wasn’t going to message you because I was extremely upset with how things went when we last saw each other. I was furious that you would ask me to swallow but then you changed your mind without asking me and finished on my face. I’ve been so angry and shocked that you would do that because you really didn’t seem the type. But I just realized something. You thought you heard me ask you to cum on my face. I did not say that. I asked if you wanted to cum on my FEET. My face was muffled by the pillow and you must have misheard. I would never, in a million years, ask anyone to cum on my face. I fucking hate that. I can play the ‘whore’, but that is not something I would ever ask for. Then you asked me to leave so shortly after I got there and I couldn’t have been more insulted. But I’ve just realized what you must have thought of me in that moment. Anyways, it’s probably safe to say that after that, neither one of us is much interested in the other anymore. I just had to make sure you knew that that’s not what I said.”
She hit send and her stomach tied in knots. She then added, “You don’t need to reply to this” because she didn’t think she could handle anything more. She plugged her phone in to charge and resumed watching her show. Her hands were shaking. A few minutes later she grabbed her phone again to re-read her message and scrutinize every word. It was then she saw that he had called her immediately after receiving her text. She wanted to call him back but her dad was still awake in the room next to her and she didn’t want him to hear their conversation. She texted him an excuse as to why she couldn’t talk on the phone, to which he replied, “Ok all good going to bed” And that was the last she heard from him.
Once she realized what had actually happened, her anger faded and sadness took over. She was so disappointed that whatever could have happened with this seemingly nice guy, was all ruined now because of a lousy miscommunication. She still didn’t blame herself, but that’s when it registered to her how conditioned she had been to not speak up for herself and ask for what she wanted. Had she just stopped worrying about ruining the mood and said, “Wait! Stop! What are you doing?!” when he started to defile her face like that, maybe this entire thing could have been avoided?
She told her friends about her revelation the next morning. They reminded her that even before that miscommunication, the sex was already not great. She wasn’t in to all the freaky stuff he was in to, and even when she did ask for what she wanted, he was never able to come through for her and get her off the way she liked. Overall, the entire “relationship” wasn’t worth fighting for. And now, even if she did want to give him a chance if he were to reach out, she thought about how awkward it would be to look him in the eye again. She was also pretty certain that he could never see her the same way he had when they first met.
She was disappointed, but relieved to have figured out exactly what happened. It made her realize that she needed to be more assertive when asking for what she liked and wanted. As well as speaking up when she didn’t like or want something. She also realized that she had to let go of the subconscious fear she had of men’s reactions to her advocating for herself. These guys were not her ex. And if any of them did react to her concerns the way her ex would have, then they’re not worth her time anyways.
She felt satisfied and confident in her decision. Except for the small, nagging voice in the back of her mind dying to know what he would have said if she had answered the phone. Regardless of that unrelenting thought, she held firm in her choice not to contact him. And despite her track record which would suggest otherwise, she was hopeful that she would be able to stick to her guns this time.
Don’t kid yourself, he damn well heard you. But now you’ll never know because you gave him the excuse he needed. I’ve been in a similar situation and, although not as intense as yours, it shook me to my core and I was determined to find a reason and understand. My research led me to Narcissism. It brought me relief to finally have a word that defined my experience. Once I found understanding I was able to let go of the negative feelings and compulsive thoughts I was having. It feels like a newfound freedom. Your story, thoughts and words resonate so much! It’s been a day since discovering you and I’m eager to read more. Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing!
I’m so happy to hear that my writing resonates with you. It definitely helps when you can label your experiences. My ex was a textbook narcissist and I do try to look out for those red flags now. But you’re probably right, Chad probably knew exactly what he was doing. However, even if I’m wrong in assuming that he heard “face” instead of “feet”, it helped give me closure to decide that it had all boiled down to a mis-communication. I’m so happy you’re enjoying the blog. Thanks so much for reading 🙂