2021… What can I say?
For the world, this past year was just an extension of the shit show that was 2020. For me, it was a year of sexual awakening.
By summer, most of us were all vaccinated and real life opened up for us again. I was able to go out for patio drinks with friends, I took a road trip, I went camping. I even flew out to BC to visit family. Getting back to “normal” was such a blessing, but it also allowed me to slip back in to old habits that haven’t really served me.
Reflecting on this past year and re-reading some of the chapters I’ve posted, I’ve realized (not like I didn’t already know) that I’m a bit boy-crazy. It’s like I live and breathe for the chance to hook up. After all the growth and progress I gained through 2020, I feel now, like I let that slip away a bit, and I fell back into the endless search for that dopamine rush I feel when I have a guy’s undivided attention, if only for a limited time.
I’ve also discovered that boredom is my enemy. The pandemic has made boredom an almost everyday occurrence. It’s when I’m bored that I seem to seek out male attention, making me feel static and vibrant and out of my self. I feel like I’m living in a world inside my head where it’s just me and whichever guy I’ve chosen to chat with online. But I’m not chatting with these guys about dating and what I want from a real relationship. It’s always only about sex. These conversations with strangers, which start off so innocently, always take a dirty left turn. At the guy’s behest, I end up going in to detail about the sexual things I enjoy, and vise versa.
The constant over-sexualized image of myself that I’m putting out has finally got me wondering; why is that the version of myself that I’m making so prominent? And though I’m not a psychologist, it’s got me wondering if this is all still a trauma response from my toxic relationship?
It’s been almost two years since I ended the relationship that led to all of this. My ex was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. He was also a sex and porn addict. He was on his phone day and night looking at naked girls on Tumblr, or just full-on watching porn as we sat next to each other on the couch. His obsession obviously made its way into our bedroom. He would always want me to do these crazy sexual positions, would be showing me images of scantily clad or fully naked women, comparing me to them. Asking me why I can’t look like that? Or why I wouldn’t do X, Y, or Z sexual positions?
His obsession became mine, but in the opposite way. I became so prudish and sexually reserved. I had no libido. I hated sex and everything to do with it, especially porn. I resented it. Not that I just love it now or anything, but at least I’m no longer consumed by anger towards it. His sex obsession even made me avoid self pleasure. I felt disgust and shame at the thought of it. Anything to do with sex, I made off limits for me. It was my way of shielding myself from the humiliation I felt for not looking like those women on Tumblr or in pornos. Shielding myself from how much I hated how I looked and that I was never enough to please him, so why try? I would never be like those women. I wasn’t sexy enough or pretty enough or skinny enough or desirable enough.. whatever it was. I retreated from anything sexual and really didn’t enjoy sex for almost a decade, the entirety of my relationship.
But now, there’s been this sexual revolution inside me. I’ve done a lot of self healing and have worked hard on my mental health. I’ve learned how worthy I am of every kind of love, including sexual. But, having yet to find someone to give me the romantic love I desire, I’ve settled in to this sexual limbo of meaningless hook ups and never-ending bad dates. I feel like I’ve become obsessed with sex in the same way my ex was. Am I over compensating for the time I lost in that loveless, sexless relationship? Am I oversexualizing myself because that’s what I’ve been brainwashed to think is the only way one could be viewed as desirable? My dopamine levels sky rocket when a guy tells me how sexy I am or how much he wants to fuck me. I live for that shit… which really can’t be healthy.
I’m realizing that these endless hookups are just limiting my chances of actually finding a meaningful relationship. That being said, until recently, I really wasn’t interested in a meaningful relationship. I was genuinely enjoying these random hook ups. I guess I *was* making up for lost time.
It wasn’t completely bad. I felt(feel) powerful in my sexuality. I’ve enjoyed discovering my sexual self. I’ve learned so much, and I don’t think I realized until recently, how freaky I actually am. Again though, these newly discovered sexual interests could very well be influenced by the unhealthy ideas ingrained in me from my ex. But by taking my sex life in to my own hands, I was able to discover pleasure in it, rather than shame.
Even still, it’s begun to feel empty. One random hook up after another. The original goal was to find a Friend with Benefits so I wouldn’t be out there fucking a bunch of random strangers, but FWB’s are really just pre-boyfriends, I’ve discovered. There’s still a sense of commitment expected in a FWB relationship, and most guys still can’t handle that.
This realization has led me to believe that I don’t just want to hook up with random guys anymore. I guess I’m finally ready to settle down with someone again. There’s still a part of me, though, that’s afraid of being hurt. But now also, I worry about craving the dopamine rush from the attention I get from other guys.
Not that I condone cheating by any means, but having all these guys on the go and not being committed to any of them, has given me a glimpse in to why people might cheat. The validation you get from attention like that can be overwhelming and, sometimes, even all consuming. I worry about settling down with someone but still craving that outside attention. But then I guess, if I find someone who checks all my boxes, I won’t be craving that external validation. Which then brings me back to the fear I have of getting hurt again. All these meaningless hookups check one box, sexual pleasure and attention, but then I don’t risk my heart breaking or someone actually getting close to me for real.
All of that to say, I need to re-focus. Not that I’ve completely gotten off track. Even through all these dating and sexual mis-adventures, I’ve still been able to maintain my goals of getting myself healthy. My eating habits might need some re-calibration again, but I’m proud to say that I’ve been consistently working out for a whole year. Over a year, in fact.
My body has changed so much in the last 13 months. I’ve lost weight and gained muscle, clarity, and self worth. Working out has given me not only physical strength, but mental strength as well. It’s kept me sane and driven throughout this entire Covid nightmare. I’ve been able to steady my anxiety by keeping focused on exercise. It’s barely allowed me time to fret about the decline of human civilization as we know it. And I know myself; I could very easily have spiraled in to an abyss of fear and worry. But I didn’t. And that’s something else I’m proud of.
By working out consistently, I’ve learned that I am strong; much stronger than I ever would have thought. I’ve learned that I truly can do anything I set my mind to. Anyone who knew me in my younger days, even before my ex, is probably just as surprised as I am to see me looking the way I do now. Oh and might I add, my doctor is thrilled! She showed me a linear graph of my weight over the years. It looks like data from Wall Street. Like the stocks are going up, up, up, then all of a sudden they plummet. That was my weight loss.
But so, if I know I’m capable of putting myself first and making my mental and physical health a priority, now it’s time to make my romantic life a priority too. The only way to do that, though, is to not make it a priority, know what I mean? I have to focus my attention on the things that I *can* control: my health, my happiness, and my finances. By letting my libido run the show, I haven’t been able to stick to my goal of getting my finances in order. The chance to go out and party always took priority over saving money to put towards my future. YOLO, right? But now I’ve done that. I’ve partied. I’ve gone out. And because of that, I’m *still* living in my parents’ guest room.
Last year my goal was to buy myself a car, which I did. I’ve owned cars before, but this is the first time I was able to buy (finance) one on my own. And not even a used car. I bought a brand new (at the time) 2021 sedan. On my own. Me! I’m still so proud of myself for that. It’s given me the freedom to live my life and rediscover all the things that bring me joy. But last year I also manifested that I would have moved out by the spring. This goal did not come to fruition.
Therefore, for 2022, I’m re-manifesting that this will be the year I finally become fully independent and move out on my own once again. Then I’ll have everything that a young(ish), independent woman would need. And hopefully, once all aspects of my life have fallen in to place, I will finally have room in my heart to welcome a true romantic partner.
That being said, I don’t know what this blog will look like in the future if I’m truly going to start limiting my dating life. I do have a few more stories to post in the new year, but I really hope I’m able to shift my priorities to what really matters. I hope the same for all of you. Hard to do as we teeter near the start of year 3 of this god damn pandemic. But the only way to get through it all is to keep focused on your goals, surround yourself with likeminded people, and stay safe.
Wishing everyone peace, joy, and lots of sex in the new year! May 2022 bring you everything you could ever need xo
Stay tuned for more chapters in the new year, Wednesdays at 8pm, EST.