I don’t know where to start with this piece. I’ve reflected on each year since starting this blog, and each essay has been filled with hope and optimism for the next trip around the sun. This year, however, I don’t know how I feel. I’m literally in the exact same place I was this time last year.
Was I stagnant in 2022? Did I achieve anything I set out to do? Not really. I had hoped to save a bunch of money, that didn’t happen. I had hoped to be moved out and living independently again, that didn’t happen. And I thought I might even have a boyfriend by now, but that also didn’t happen. So what did I do all year?
I guess in general, I just continued to work on myself. This journey of growth and self-discovery is a never ending one. I’m continuously learning new things. Things I never thought I was capable of and am so proud of myself for, and things I’m not so proud of that I need to work on and improve. I guess most importantly I’ve learned that I really am capable of achieving anything I truly set my mind to.
I’ve written about my weight loss journey before, and though I’m no longer actively trying to lose weight, body image is always at the forefront of my mind. I will always have issues with this, it’s just a matter of mastering those intrusive thoughts. I’m continuously learning to not let them overtake my day to day, and just living a healthy lifestyle.
At the beginning of the year I was dead set on working out more and toning my body. I started off well but come summer, I let it slide. The temptation of patio drinks and pub food were too tantalizing to resist. It also felt good to not be so rigid in my diet, as I had been the last 2 years. Come fall, though, I could see myself regressing. It was then that I decided I had to get back on track with working out. I started one of my workout challenges again, and I’m happy to say I’m ending the year in better shape than I started it.
It’s because of this achievement that I know all these things that seem just out of reach for me, are actually already within my grasp. As I did with working out and eating better, I know that to achieve my other goals, I just need to buckle down and push through all the obstacles that are hindering my progress. Specifically regarding my finances.
Before I go deep on the ins and outs of my distressing financial situation, I have to mention that one of the reasons I wasn’t able to save as much as I had hoped to this year, is because back in October, I spent a good chunk of my savings on an elective surgery to have a bump removed from my forehead.
It’s called an Osteoma, which is basically blood that has calcified into a mound under the skin. It’s caused by blunt forced trauma to the head, and is more typically seen in soldiers. Men and women who’ve been in active war zones and have been hit in the head with literal shrapnel or other solid objects, creating large bumps on their heads, making it difficult or painful for them to wear their helmets. My osteoma, however, was caused by my ex-boyfriend. I’ll be delving in to this in greater detail in a separate chapter, but I couldn’t gloss over this experience. Having my osteoma removed was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself. And though it cost more than I ever would have wanted to spend, the peace of mind and the healing that has come from it were worth every penny.
When I left my ex, I left with thousands of dollars worth of debt that I had accumulated from carrying his sorry ass for so many years. I’ve made incredible strides in paying it down, and am currently in the home stretch of paying it off completely. Because of this debt, and my Osteoma surgery, I just haven’t been able to save any money to move out.
I know I’m not the only person who’s felt the debilitating pressure of inflation, and the cost of living rising and rising over the last few years. And while costs skyrocket, salaries have remained the same. I’ve come to the realization that there is literally no chance whatsoever of me ever getting out of my parents’ house on my current salary alone. I need a side hustle, there’s no way around it.
A few chapters ago I alluded to a financial option I was considering; selling feet pics. I want to laugh every time I say that because it just sounds so ridiculous. But honestly, it’s a genuinely lucrative side hustle. I’m not in the business of kink shaming, and I’ve had dozens and dozens of guys on dating apps comment on my feet (from the one pic I have where my feet are visible). If my feet are such a hot commodity, how can I not capitalize on that?
As viable as this option is, I still haven’t really been able to follow through on it. I tried to take pics of my feet but could never get a good angle, or just wasn’t happy with the pics in general. I also wasn’t sure where to start. What website do I use? How do I accept payments? How do I actually get this off the ground and turn it in to a real, money making endeavor for myself??
A friend of mine is a tarot card reader, and I asked her, “Will I ever get ahead in my finances?” She did a pull for me and, without knowing about this feet pic thing, she replied, “Yes, but it’s going to take something new happening. Something new is coming, an offering. Could be a job offer! Could be a side hustle, too. Either way, it’s a new approach”.
If you’ve read my essay, From Diapers to Desktops, you’ll know that I used to be a daycare teacher, but have since transitioned to an office job. I applied for a Director position at a daycare not long ago, so I thought maybe that could be my new financial opportunity. Turns out, I didn’t get the job. Which just made it all the more clear what this “new approach” will be. The option of selling feet pics just keeps presenting itself to me. I can’t ignore it any longer!
I’ve looked in to it further now, and am almost ready to get this thing off the ground. I found a website, uploaded some high heel pics, and got an overwhelmingly positive response. Men from all over North America were messaging me, offering me upwards of $6-$7,000.00 a month for daily foot pics. I could definitely get down with that.
The issue now, though, is that these foot lovers pay for pics in bitcoin, which I know nothing about. Bitcoin honestly confuses the shit out of me, and scares me a little bit too. The last thing I need is to like, lose all my money somehow? I don’t know. But this is the last hurdle I have to cross if I’m going to dig myself out of this hole. If I’m setting any intentions or resolutions for the new year, learning about Bitcoin is at the tippy tippy top of my list. Imagine where I could be this time next year if I’m actually able to pull this off? I will have finally achieved the final step towards my independence. This would literally change my life.
Aside from my finances, my love life has been something else I’ve struggled with this year. If you’re up to date on the blog, you’ll know that in September I met a really wonderful guy. Probably one of the nicest people I’ll ever meet in my entire life. He came out of nowhere, and since meeting him I’ve had to question everything I thought I wanted for a relationship.
He’s literally the poster boy for my “ideal man”. He’s kind, he’s thoughtful, he’s generous, he’s funny. To look at him you’d never think he’d be as sexual as he is, he just looks like too nice of a guy. But the chemistry between him and I is undeniable. He’s also super sexually spontaneous which is not something I had on my dating checklist but is definitely something I’ve been enjoying. See Chapter 75, for example.
Despite all his good qualities, something is still missing. We fell into an extremely couple-y bubble very shortly after meeting. Within a week or two, he was cooking me dinner, kissing me on the forehead, and cuddling with me on his couch as we watched whatever shows I wanted because he just wanted to make me happy. My heart was bursting over this at the beginning, but I quickly realized, I’m really not ready to let go of being single.
This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever been genuinely happy with who I am as a person. I’ve never been more confident. I want to experience anything and everything. And every one. While the sex with this guy is great, it doesn’t check off all the boxes. There’s more that I want, that I’m not sure he can give me. That I’m not sure any one man can give me, right now. I love being the object of men’s desire, and I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up yet. I have another chapter brewing on this, as well, so I’ll go more in depth about it later. My point is, though, I’ve realized that there’s still so much of myself and of my sexuality that I have yet to uncover. Not only that, I still have so much I need to achieve in my own life before I can be at a point to fully welcome someone else into my world.
I’ve also come to the realization that in finding myself over these last few years, I may have let some narcissistic tendencies take over my life a little bit. For the longest time, I had been putting myself last. My ex had become the centre of my universe and I existed solely to please him. When I left him, it took a long time to realize that what I want matters. What I like matters. That I, as a person, am whole as I am, and that I matter. This blog and my journey of self discovery has turned me in to the Main Character I’ve always needed myself to be. But now, might have also blurred the lines of thinking I’m the Main Character in other people’s lives too, which is obviously not the case.
I rely so heavily on the advice and support my friends provide me. Their opinions mean so much to me, and have truly helped shape me in to the person I am, and strive to be. Except, their lives aren’t centred around me and all my bullshit. They have their own lives to lead, their own shit going on. And to assume that at the drop of a hat, anyone would be able to help me or have the time to listen to me rant is well, like I said, narcissistic.
Fortunately, I’ve taken steps in the right direction to remedy this issue. Instead of relying on my friends to provide me with their sage-like advice, I’ve finally gotten myself back in to therapy. My new therapist looks like a literal teenager, and I have no idea how she could have more insights in to my life than I do. For me, though, it’s never been about being given the answers, I just need someone to talk to. A sounding board. Someone to whom I can unload the cluttered nonsense in my head, and come out the other side a little clearer. I’ve only had two sessions so far, but each time I’ve left feeling a little better than I had before going. Getting back in to therapy will allow me to channel my neuroses towards the right person, and to stop relying so heavily on my friends to help me solve my problems.
I try so hard, every single day, to be the best version of myself that I can be. I try to radiate the love and light on to others that I hope to receive in return. I never want to be a burden on anyone, or someone who thinks solely of their own needs, disregarding the needs of others. And while I think I do a pretty good job of that, in general, one can never be too self aware. I just hope to be the kind of friend that I’d want to have, myself. I’m already so fortunate to have amazing friends as it is, and I always want to ensure that I am worthy of their friendship.
After getting all of that out of my head, I’ve just proven to myself that I was right. I’m no further along in my life right now than I was at this exact time last year. What’s also remained the same, though, is my determination and drive to just keep trying. To keep pushing forward to achieve my goals, and the knowledge that I’m nowhere near perfect, but really, who is? As my boss likes to say, “Mistakes are just proof that you’re trying”. And isn’t that all anyone can ask of us? Just to try?
So here’s to another year of trying to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. Sending love to you and yours, for a very happy new year. All the best to you in 2023 xo
Stay tuned for more chapters. Wednesdays at 8pm, EST.