After their sexy romp in the woods, she and Jordon continued to see each other fairly often throughout the next few weeks. They had so quickly slid into this instinctive, natural, comfortable “couple” mode.
He cooked for her, they cuddled on the couch watching new and interesting shows. He gave her forehead kisses, and they continued to have great sex. Without her even really noticing, she all of a sudden found herself headed towards what felt like something serious.
That realization scared the shit out of her.
Jordon had demonstrated to her over and over again that he could quite literally be the best person she had ever met. The kindest, most thoughtful, most understanding, light hearted and supportive guy to ever exist. He never got upset, always put a positive spin on things. He was always ready for a new or fun activity, and he thought she was hilarious. So why, then, did she have such trepidation about their relationship progressing to something more committed?
She agonized over this uneasy feeling, building and building in the pit of her stomach. She knew, deep down, that it wasn’t him specifically that she didn’t want to settle down with, but rather that she just didn’t want to settle down with anyone. She just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and she concluded that if Jordon wanted something more from her, she would just have to woman-up and end it with him.
She couldn’t bare the thought of leading him on. Not only because of how unfair that would be for him, but knowing that if things got messy between them, it would affect not just the two of them, but their extended friend group as well. So much of their social lives were intertwined with one another that she suddenly felt trapped in this official-unofficial relationship she had unintentionally gotten herself in to.
After coming to terms with her feelings about Jordon, the next few days were spent with a dark cloud over her head, following her around everywhere she went. She was miserable. She didn’t want to hurt Jordon’s feelings, but she knew that there was just something missing between them. Something not quite right. Something she needed in order to fully allow herself to let someone in.
One weekend in November, her friend had asked her to pet sit for her. Her friend had the sweetest old dog that she loved spending time with, so she was happy to stay with him for the weekend. Not only that, her friend lives in a beautiful. gigantic house in a very desirable end of town. It was fun to play pretend every now and then, imagining she lived there herself and that she actually had her shit together. It was also the perfect opportunity to have Jordon over to finally sit down and tell him how she felt.
She invited him over on the Saturday night. He arrived around 5pm and was blown away by the grandeur of this house, as well as her adorable weekend roommate. Jordon, gentleman that he is, did not come empty handed. He had offered to bring the wine, and had also graciously stopped for the few ingredients for dinner that she had realized she had forgotten when she had done groceries earlier that day. She gave him a quick tour and then poured them each a glass of the wine he had brought.
Jordon had been cooking her dinner every time they’d hung out since their second date. Though she didn’t want to commit more to their couply routine, she also didn’t want to miss the opportunity to cook a delicious meal in a gorgeous chef’s kitchen. She had some recipes saved, and ended up making an incredible meal of chicken breast, parmesan sweet potatoes, and heirloom carrots.
Jordon inhaled it all and would not stop complimenting the meal. It felt good to have her food appreciated. Her ex never complimented her cooking. Another green flag for Jordon; still didn’t change how she felt, though. His continued kindness only made it harder for her to build up the courage to say something.
They cleaned up their dishes, poured another glass of wine and she then pulled out the sinfully sweet peanut butter chocolate cupcakes that she had picked up at a local bakery when she was out earlier that day. They were both too full to eat them, so they brought them downstairs to watch TV and eat later.
They put on a docuseries and cuddled up together on the couch. As they sat there, intertwined, her anxiety just continued to build, and build and build. How could she tell Jordon that she didn’t want a relationship, when this entire evening proved the complete opposite? She worried he would yell and scream, be so mad that she “led him on”. Of course, Jordon would never. He was nothing like her ex. Still, the fear of it was all consuming.
The first episode finished, and as the second episode started, she paused it and sat up. “Are you ok? Is everything alright?” Jordon asked, concerned. “Everything’s fine…” she replied as she turned to face him. “You’re so wonderful,” she began, “but I just want to be clear about where I stand and how I’m feeling…” A slow, steady stream of tears fell single file down her cheeks as she word-vomited something to the effect of:
“You came out of nowhere. I was doing just fine, getting my shit together.. Never expected to meet you. Now all of a sudden you’ve come in to my life like a sweet and gentle tornado, and have turned my world upside down. I love spending time with you. We have so much fun together. But I don’t know if I’m in a place to fully welcome someone in to my life. We both have a lot of shit to work through from our past relationships. So as much as I enjoy spending time with you, I want to be clear that I am single, and you are single. And when you go away down south for your sister’s wedding, I want you to have the time of your life. If you meet someone and hit it off, don’t feel bad if something happens. I’m not in a place to commit myself to you, and I don’t want you to feel committed to me in any way. We’re friends, right? We’re friends who hook up and empathize with each other’s trauma… is that ok?…”
She had tried to be as eloquent as possible. No easy feat through the tears she couldn’t control. She was horrified at the thought of her true feelings becoming the catalyst to hurt this kind soul.
In true Jordon fashion, he consoled her and hugged her and kissed her forehead. He replied in a soft, sweet voice and thanked her for her unfiltered honesty. “Not everyone would be so forthcoming. And I really appreciate you not dragging it on. In truth, I’m still reeling from my divorce, and I’m not sure what I want either. From you, or from anyone. I’m happy to keep things are they are. Casual and fun.”
It’s like the weight of the world was finally lifted from her shoulders. She had been so torn between staying true to her own feelings, at the risk of hurting someone else’s. All the while, she hadn’t needed to be. Jordon was a class act, through and through. And because they were both able to communicate their genuine feelings, they were able to continue seeing each other. She didn’t have to end things abruptly, as she had thought she would have.
They went outside to smoke a joint, and to move passed that awkward conversation. They came back downstairs, enjoyed their delicious cupcakes, and had a wonderful night. He even had enough class to realize she didn’t want him to sleep over, and left just before midnight.
She could not have asked for a more perfect evening. His reaction and the amazing night they had had made her second guess her decision, if only for a moment. But no, this was the best thing for her. And she was proud of herself for actually speaking up and setting the boundaries she had never been able to set with anyone else before.
They saw each other once more before he went away for over a week for his sister’s wedding. It was early December when he returned. Their mutual friend has a birthday around that time, so the first time they saw each other after that was at her party. It was mildly awkward at first, but after some drinks, they both got back in to a comfortable groove.
They had a really, really fun time together that night. Having not seen each other in a little while, they could barely keep their hands off of each other. So much so that they ended up having sex in her friend’s bathroom. Her friend was not pleased (woops 😬). Aside from annoying her friend, she kept thinking how great it was that she and Jordon could be so mature and just continue on the way they had been.
They saw each other again once more before Christmas. He cooked her dinner again, but this time her stomach ended up hurting a bit, so aside from the hanky panky they had gotten in to as soon as she had arrived, the night was mainly spent cuddling and watching TV. She left earlier than she usually would have, also. The vibe was definitely different than it had been all the other times they’d hung out, but she just chalked it up to her not feeling well.
The holidays rolled around, and neither of them texted each other “Merry Christmas”. She wasn’t alarmed by it. It was family time, they were both busy. On Boxing day, Jordon messaged her and they exchanged their holidays greetings. They chatted for a little while, but then the conversation fizzled out, as it does. Typically, they’d end up chatting for a bit every day. More often than not, he would be the one to message her first. It would be another three or four days, though, before she would hear from him.
When Jordon did text her, he apologized for having distanced himself a bit. She hadn’t totally noticed, again, because it was the holidays she just figured he was busy with family and friends, as she has been. In his message, Jordon reassured her that his distance had nothing to do with her or anything she might have thought she’d done. She hadn’t thought she’d done anything, and was genuinely unbothered by their lack of communication that week. However, she couldn’t help but swoon a little at his genuine consideration and understanding of her anxious, other thinking brain. Not hearing from a guy you’re fucking for several days would likely send any normal woman in to a bit of a tail spin. What did it say about her feelings for him, then, if she hadn’t even really noticed?
Jordon also explained that he had been going through some shit over the last little while. It being the holidays, he had had a lot of time to think about his life and what he wanted out of it. This was completely relatable to her and she empathized with his feelings of angst and uncertainty. She offered him comfort and advice, and tried to be as supportive as she could be. If anyone could understand what he was feeling, it was her. He thanked her for the chat and they went another few days without speaking.
New Years Eve rolled around, and she had been apprehensive about asking him what his plans were. New Years is a pretty couple-y night, after all. That pressure to have a new years kiss. She hmm’d and haahh’d over it for a while but eventually did ask if he wanted to join her at her friend’s party. He had already made plans with his own friends, so they wished each other a Happy New Year and each went about their own business. It wasn’t until a couple weeks in to January that he reached out again to have another lengthy conversation.
Jordon asked if he could call her. Her stomach sank and a lump formed in her throat. Nothing good ever came of someone asking “can I call you?” Of course she said yes, though. She texted him when she was able to talk, and he called her shortly after.
They shot the shit about this and that. The holidays, his work, her work. Until finally he said that he was feeling unsure about she and him. He confessed that he had been thinking about what he wanted from life and a relationship ever since that night at her friend’s place when she told him how she really felt. He realized that he did think he wanted something more serious and, to her surprise, he admitted that he had read her Reflection of 2022 on the blog.
What she had said in that essay just cemented what he had already been feeling from her. He knew she wasn’t fully in it, and he knew that he needed someone who was. This is not at all how she had expected this phone call to go, but again, they were each able to communicate their needs in the most mature and understanding way. He told her that she was a good person, thanked her again for her continued honesty, and assured her that they were still friends and that nothing would be awkward if and when they eventually saw each other again.
She nearly teared up. Was this a break up? Couldn’t be. They were never together. In that moment though, she had realized what an integral part of her healing Jordon had been.
She had known all along that she would be happier staying single than she would have been if she had settled (for lack of a better term) for Jordon. Throughout that telephone conversation, though, she also realized how valuable her time with him had been. That they had met each other at a crucial moment in both of their healing journeys. He showed her that not all guys are ass holes. He gave her hope that there still are some genuinely good guys out there. He showed her a type of kindness and respect that she didn’t even know she needed. Not only that, they had related to each other so much in their shared grief of each mourning a toxic relationship.
While he showed her the gentleness she needed to see in a man, she showed him that there are women out there who would value him more than his ex had. Though she didn’t want to settle down with him, her honesty and communication showed him the respect he deserved, and was likely lacking in his marriage. They were meant to have entered each other’s lives, if only for a short time.
They ended the call on the best of terms, in the most kind and mature fashion imaginable. She hung up and just stood there for a moment. What a whirlwind. As sad as she was that things had to end, she was so happy that she had always stayed true to herself and had been honest with him. It was easier for both of them, in the end, that they both always knew how the other felt.
Jordon will always hold such a special place with her. She needed him, and she will be eternally grateful for the kindness, understanding and support he bestowed on her.
And so with that, on to the next adventure…