She slammed the door behind her and raced down the stairs. Her cheeks were wet from the hot tears streaming down her face. She scrambled to get in the car, her hands shaking. The gravel sprayed as she took off out of the driveway. Turning the corner abruptly, barely slowing down at the stop sign, she realized she couldn’t drive in this frantic state and pulled into the gas station on the corner to catch her breath. Without thinking, she grabbed her phone and called in to work. She would not be clocking in for her afternoon shift. She sat there thinking. Crying. Crawling out of her skin with rage. “That’s it.” she said out loud to herself. And she meant it this time. Finally…
* * *
Growing up, she had what some would call an ideal upbringing. The perfect life. Her parents were happily married, her brother was quiet and reserved and didn’t bother her like a typical sibling might. She had dozens of friends. She was loved and cared about by everyone in her life. Never a witness or recipient of any type of irrational anger or abusive behaviour. She was always the happy one, up for anything at any time. Always available for another fun night or adventure.
Still, no one’s life is ever really perfect. At least not to the person living that life. She knew how fortunate she was to have what she had. And yet she longed for the attention and experiences her friends were having all around her, while she remained impressionable and naïve with no romantic prospects in sight. Everyone liked her, male or female. It was never a question of becoming friends with someone. It was always, “could this guy see me as any kind of match for him instead of the hot girl’s fat and funny best friend?” That was the other issue; her incredibly low self esteem. She was acutely aware that she was the most overweight one in her close groups of girlfriends.
Among her friends there were the two typical beauties with long blonde hair and that girl-next-door demeanor boys find so appealing. There was the French girl with the small waist and big boobs who would awkwardly laugh at the guys’ jokes while simultaneously dishing out her signature resting bitch face (which was really only because she had a hard time seeing and refused to wear her glasses). There was the blonde, laid back, hippie one who loved animals and smoked pot and never let the little things bother her. The smart one who, despite knowing she could do better, settled for the cool guy with the car and all the drugs. And then her – the funny, fat one.
She had many friends in other circles, as well. But those other friends, ranging in body types and personality, were also getting the attention that she so longed for. If even the girls who weren’t “perfect” were worthy of a guy’s time and interest, then why not her? The infuriating part was, that despite all the reasons the high school guys found these girls so attractive, and all these superficial reasons she had to be jealous of these girls, each one of them were (and still are) among the kindest, brightest, most caring, most generous, best people she was ever fortunate enough to meet. She was, and still is, so grateful to be able to call them her friends. Yet, despite her love for them, she couldn’t help but continuously compare herself to them.
She wasn’t ugly. She had a nice smile. Her eyes were a pretty colour. Her hair was long and silky. She knew she wasn’t ugly. Just fat. No one wants fat. Years later, she would realize that actually, no one wants sad, depressed, and insecure. The fat thing was not the problem (Well, it could have been for some guys, but really it was mostly the insecurity stuff). But growing up, during those high school years, through college and her early twenties, all she did was put herself down. All day, every day. No one would ever love her. No one would ever want to kiss her or touch her or be with her unless he was drunk. And even then, on those rare, always drunken, occasions, it was always a secret. No one was allowed to know. The guys were always ashamed of it. They would expect her to perform sexually for them, never returning the favour and always becoming distant and weird afterwards.
With everything in life, there is always an exception to the rule, and this wasn’t the case for every guy. To her surprise, when she was 16 years old, a guy she had met through her friends’ boyfriend was rumoured to have a crush on her. With peer pressure on both sides, she agreed to a double date. She and her friend met up with her friends’ boyfriend and his friend to go to a movie. They sat awkwardly beside each other and when it was over and they were walking back to the bus station, she and he trailed off so they were alone. It was then that he confessed his crush on her and asked if she wanted to go out with him. She was so blown away that anyone could feel that way about her, she said yes without hesitation. The problem was, she really wasn’t attracted to him in any way. He was tall and lanky, light blonde hair, nice blue eyes, and a mouth full of braces. Despite her lack of attraction, he really seemed like a nice guy. Maybe he’ll grow on her, she reasoned. Shortly thereafter, they attended a party and ended up in the laundry room, just the two of them, drunk. Inevitably, they started kissing. It was her first real kiss and it was not at all what she had hoped for. It was sloppy and wet and his braces were a real buzz kill. Still, she was excited to have finally had that experience.
They only saw each other on nights and weekends as they attended different schools. She would go over and hang out with him in his room. The kissing didn’t get any better, and both of them were too inexperienced and nervous for it to go further than that. She would often encounter his mother on her way out. What a nice lady. Eventually, though, she realized it wasn’t fair to either of them for her to continue dating him if she really didn’t like him like that. She ended things after a month, and though he was visibly disappointed, they were able to end things amicably and continue hanging out in the same circle of friends. She felt that she didn’t want to settle for someone she didn’t like that way. She had yet to experience settling for guys who felt about her the way she felt about him…