He continued working long hours while she was then left with the task of training this beautiful new addition to their lives. In those first few days, she became a mother. This dog became her whole life. She loved her with every fibre of her being and yet, she struggled. Having lived the first three months of her life on a farm, combined with the breed of dog being highly intelligent and hyper sensitive, this puppy was afraid of everything. They lived in a fairly industrial area and all the loud noises and cars passing by would terrify her. Unless they were in the safety of the backyard, this puppy refused to go outside and would never let her take her for walks. Her frustration grew and grew. She felt like she was failing this dog. If she didn’t get her going on walks, this dog would continue to be afraid for the rest of her life and it would be difficult to do anything one would normally do with a dog. She expressed her frustrations to her boyfriend who, again, had little to no empathy regarding her situation. He mocked her and basically told her he could do a better job in his sleep. Then, when he would try to train her and would get the same disappointing results, he would blame her for being a terrible puppy trainer and would make her feel worse than she already did. This dog, that was meant to bring joy into their lives, was just exacerbating their already tumultuous situation.
A year went by. Their puppy eventually got a bit better on leash and would at least go for walks in the safety of a dog park or track. Still, their fighting got worse and worse. She thought about leaving him all the time. She fantasized about a life of freedom, away from his controlling behaviour and toxic masculinity. But she couldn’t leave her baby. She would just take on all his bullshit because the love and maternal bond she had with this dog was too strong to allow her to go. And then, something clicked in her head. If she was going to stay, there was no point arguing with him. His irrational outbursts, his paranoia, his anger and disdain for her and for society as a whole; there was no reason to keep fighting with him about any of it. He never heard her. He never saw her point. He was just an angry, unhappy little boy taking out all his frustrations and trauma on her. It was then that she had the realization that she would be a lot happier if she just tuned him out. No one can be sure why it took her so long to realize this, but once she did, her life started to change for the better. She stopped taking on the burden of his roller coaster emotions and she could feel herself getting lighter. He would yell and scream at her and she would either ignore him and continue what she was doing, or she would leave the room. This angered him but he started to notice his behaviour more and more and, at times, actually seemed to be trying to change. And then he would be the same again. Any hope she had would always be squashed by another outburst.
A lot of what he always said his issue was throughout the relationship, was that what started out as a very sexually adventurous connection had turned into a boring, lack luster sex life. He hated that she was rarely, if ever, horny anymore. He hated that he had to beg her for sex. He hated that he would have to masturbate when there was a perfectly good vagina right in the next room. What he never seemed to understand, though, was that no one wants to have sex with someone that is mean to them. No one wants to be made to feel like complete shit, be told over and over again that they’re fat, ugly, and useless, and then have to spread their legs on command. He told her more than once that he was her last chance to have children and that no one else would ever want to fuck her. He told her that she was getting old and her time was running out and that if she ever wanted to be a mother, he was her only hope. Ooooooohhhh! Who else is turned on now?! … She definitely wasn’t.
So, one rainy Saturday in May, she finally got up the nerve to break up with him. She had written out everything she wanted to say to him, and she hoped against hope that he would let her take the dog. He sat down on the couch, completely clueless as to what was about to happen. She started reading and was less than a paragraph in before his anxiety sky-rocketed and he started freaking out. She told him to read what she wrote if he wasn’t able to listen to her say it. He read a little bit and then exploded. Screaming at her, yelling at her. He tore her Andy Warhol poster off the wall, he ripped up the art calendar he bought her for Christmas. He was terrifying. “GET OUT THEN!! LEAVE!! YOU’RE NOT WELCOME IN THIS APARTMENT ANYMORE!!” he screamed at her. She ran into the bedroom and scrambled to pack up what she could. She was so scared and disoriented that she threw her hiking backpack on her back, and then her coat on top of that. She didn’t even think to take her purse, she just wanted to get out of there.
It was raining harder. He had gone into the spare bedroom, still yelling and throwing shit. She panicked. He wasn’t looking, so she did what any mother would do. She scooped up that thirty-pound dog and ran away with her. It would have been easier if the dog walked on leash, but she was a terrible puppy trainer, remember? So she had to carry her. Running down the street, the dog weighing heavier and heavier on her arms, she could hear him screaming after her once he realized the dog was gone. She heard the truck door slam and the engine roar into gear. She only made it to the corner store, she couldn’t carry the dog any further. He pulled into the parking lot as the door closed behind her. She was drenched. The dog was petrified. The store owner rushed over and offered her help, just has her boyfriend burst in. He was calm. He was polite. He was apologetic. She felt trapped. She definitely didn’t want to involve all these other people in the situation, but she was afraid of what would happen if she went back. The overwhelming sense of defeat started to kick in. She thanked the store owner and apologized to him as she picked her puppy up again and got into the truck.
When they got home, they fought a little bit more, but they were both exhausted by everything that had happened that she went into the bedroom with the dog and he stayed out in the living room. They didn’t speak for much of the afternoon, but neither of them could ignore what had happened. She came out of the bedroom after a few hours and sat on the opposite end of the couch to him. They both started crying. He begged and pleaded for her to stay. He loved her and he was sorry for his horrible behaviour. He knew everything she said was right and he knew that he had to change. As much as she wanted to leave him, she loved him. He was her entire life, at that point. They had had so many good times together, along with the bad. She looked up at the picture frames that lined their living room walls. She had had so many firsts with him. And, despite his abusive behaviour, she knew that all that anger came from a broken place deep down inside him. A place of sadness and loss and grief and rage. He had survived so many hardships before they had met, and she understood that those experiences were not his fault. What was his fault, however, was how he handled those feelings.
His choice to ignore his trauma and have it lash out at her was not going to be tolerated any further. If she were to stay with him, A LOT would have to change. She made her stipulations very clear; he was to no longer use any kind of derogatory or hurtful language towards her, he would have to start respecting her boundaries and limits and listening to her without pressuring her to do whatever it is that he wanted. He would also have to start seeing a therapist or they could see a couples’ counselor together. And finally, he wasn’t allowed to come with her to her friends’ wedding that was coming up in a few months. She knew he didn’t want to go anyways, and she wanted a chance to enjoy herself with her friends without worrying about him ruining the day for her, or for them.
He agreed to everything, as long as it meant that she would be staying.