Her boyfriend really seemed to be turning a corner. She knew she had fallen for it before, but he really seemed to be changing. Everything she felt at the wedding, all her intentions of really breaking free, seemed to melt away. They even had their first couple’s counselling session less than a month later.
She was so nervous as their new therapist lead them into her office. It had two chairs facing inwards, in between them a small wicker end table with a box of Kleenex on it, against a wall of lovely oversized windows. The therapist sat opposite them. She was a short, older woman. Short “Karen”-like haircut with side bangs. Loose, flowing, hippie-esque patterned clothing. It worked for her, though. Her attitude was very matter-of-fact. She used the term “no bullshit,” more than once. Her boyfriend was visibly pessimistic, but she remained hopeful that this would help them. Maybe they really could get through all of this and start living the life she wanted. They would finally be happy and she would get pregnant and have the children she so longed for. The fairy tale ending.
Many people might read all this and not understand why she stayed. Why, if she truly felt like leaving him and that she would be happier on her own, would she stay again and keep trying to make it work? Well, while all of this drama was taking place throughout her relationship, she and her boyfriend had also been trying to get pregnant.
From a practical, third party point of view, adding a child to this extremely toxic and volatile relationship would just be throwing a grenade towards an already explosive battlefield. But that wasn’t her concern. Since she was a young girl, she knew that the main reason she was put on this earth was to be a mother. She had baby-blinders on and was impervious to any kind of sound logic.
Her thought process was that she was already in her early 30’s and the window to get pregnant was closing faster and faster. At least with him, she had sperm on tap. Even if she didn’t stay with him once the baby was born, she took comfort in the notion that she would still at least have gotten a child out of this relationship. All her pain and hardship wouldn’t have been for nothing because in the end of it all, she would have become a mother.
They had tried to conceive on their own for several months when they had first moved up north, but to no avail. She took pregnancy test after test, always the same disappointing single line on the screen. So finally, despite his protests against it, she made an appointment at the nearby fertility clinic. After several tests and weeks of waiting, the results were in. While he was extremely fertile with extremely agile swimmers, she was diagnosed with PCOS, something she had never heard of in her entire life. She was informed that Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a hormonal disorder common among many women. Women with this disorder may have infrequent or prolonged periods, or excess levels of the male hormone Androgen. The ovaries may also develop numerous small collections of fluid, also known as follicles, and thus fail to regularly release eggs.
All of a sudden, her entire menstrual history flashed before her eyes. It was extremely common for her to miss her period for several months, but she naively never thought anything of it. She was told that, in layman’s terms, she didn’t ovulate. No ovulation = no conception.
She was devastated, and her boyfriend didn’t help. When he should have been empathetic, he was cold. She felt like he blamed her for their trouble conceiving, as if she had control over her infertility. And yet, with the help of the fertility specialists, she felt a twinge of optimism. She immediately was given hormone pills to try to boost ovulation. She would use those for two months to try to conceive naturally again, and if that didn’t work, she could begin more aggressive treatments involving monitored hormone injections, and even invitro fertilization as a last resort. The figurative money signs were cha-chinging in her boyfriend’s head, as neither one of them currently had any work benefits to help cover the cost. This was not what either of them had in mind when they decided to try to get pregnant. This added significant pressure to both of them, making their already rocky relationship that much more unsteady.
Again, something that she had hoped would bring happiness and fulfillment to their lives, something she wanted more than anything in the entire world, was pulling them further and further apart…