She was furious. She had tried all. fucking. morning. to get a hold of him. His excuse was that his phone was on Do Not Disturb. That didn’t hold any water for her because he KNEW she was going to therapy. He KNEW she needed to get a hold of him. He CHOSE to ignore her.
She had never been so enraged in her entire life. Even throughout their entire relationship, all the fights they’d had; nothing they had ever gone through had made her as angry as she was in that moment. She grabbed her purse and stormed out. He wanted canned soup? He’d get canned soup! She was back at the grocery store before she knew it. She flew over to the popcorn aisle and bought herself 3 more bags of popcorn, and then went and grabbed 3 cans of soup. Her intention was to throw the soup at his head as soon as she walked in the door. Instead, she slammed them down on the counter and their fight continued.
He kept yelling at her. Just saying every horrible, hurtful thing he could think of. It was in that moment, she lost control of her all her senses. Looking back, she would describe it as an out of body experience. She could feel herself come up off her heels, hovering over him in this beast-like state, and she just let him have it. She screamed and yelled at him so loud that her throat became hoarse. The dog ran and hid in the bedroom. It took everything in her power not to beat him bloody and senseless. Even with that restraint, she found herself clawing at his throat uncontrollably, smacking and hitting him as hard as she could. She left scratches and blood all down his neck. She was in a blind rage and simply could not contain her anger and hatred for him any longer.
When she pulled her nails off of him and came back to her body, she stepped back in disbelief and refused to engage in this chaos any further. The fact that she just reacted in accordance with his typical behaviour instead of her own, actually really frightened her. She collected her purse off the floor and stormed out, slamming the door behind her as she raced down the stairs. Her cheeks were wet from the hot tears streaming down her face. She scrambled to get in the car, her hands shaking. The gravel sprayed as she took off out of the driveway. Turning the corner abruptly, barely slowing down at the stop sign, she realized she couldn’t drive in this frantic state and pulled into the gas station on the corner to catch her breath. Without thinking, she grabbed her phone and called in to work. She would not be clocking in for her afternoon shift. She sat there thinking. Crying. Crawling out of her skin with rage. “That’s it.” she said out loud to herself. And she meant it this time. Finally.
She sat at the gas station for several more minutes as she gathered her composure. Once she had put herself together, she drove back around the corner and pulled into the driveway. The door was locked. He was surprised to see her walk in. “Get the fuck out of here! You’re supposed to be at work!” he hollered at her as she hung her purse up. “I’m not going back to work. Fuck you.” She replied as the dog followed her into the bedroom and she closed the door. It would be a literal week before she spoke to him again. Aside from answering the odd question about the dog or bills or something, she couldn’t even look at him.
She knew she was going to leave him, but being that it was now mid-December, and despite all the bullshit he had put her through, she couldn’t bare to end things before Christmas. And even then, she knew that the anniversary of his dad’s passing was coming up in early January, and she still didn’t have the heart to end it before then either. Her plan was to just make it through Christmas and New Years, and after the death-aversary, she would do it. She would really, seriously, no word of a lie, break up with him. Until then, she would just have to shut up and power through. She had stayed with him through the misery for so many years, what difference would a couple more weeks make?
When she finally came around and decided to speak to him again, it was the same old thing. “I’m sorry,” “I have issues. I’m working on them,” “You’re so wonderful, I can’t lose you. You’re my everything.” Empty, worthless words she had heard a million times before. She ignored it all and just explained that she would be going to visit her family at Christmas with or without him. He said he wanted to come and that he would do whatever he could to make this all right. She pushed her feelings down and carried on the rest of the month as if things were back to normal. Christmas holidays were upon them so she, her boyfriend, and their dog, drove the 6 hours back to her home town.
And of course, it was a wonderful visit. He was calm, he was laid back, he was kind, he was helpful. He confided in her dad about troubles he was having. He confided in her mom about the loss of his mother at 16 years old and how it’s affected every aspect of his life. He apologized to both of them and thanked them for everything they’d done for him over the years. Her parents told her it was the best visit they had ever had with him. And she saw it. She saw him trying. But despite all his efforts, despite the strides she saw him attempt to make, she truly felt nothing for him at all any more. Not even hate or anger, more like indifference. He meant nothing to her anymore and she only had to wait a few more days until it was all over…