She matched with all sorts of guys on her various dating apps. And that was the first thing she noticed – matching doesn’t mean shit. Matching with someone is just a way of saying “we both think the other is hot, but not enough to actually talk to”. And even when she would make the first move and would send over a friendly “heyy” with a waving emoji (clearly expert level flirting on her part), she often received no reply. When she did receive a reply, or on the somewhat rare occasion that a guy messaged her first, the conversations often went as follows:
Him: “Hey cutie, how are you enjoying this beautiful quarantine afternoon?”
Her: “Heyy! I’m doing great. Just enjoying the sunshine. How’s your day going?”
Him: “Not bad. Would be a lot better with you here to cuddle with” (So smooth, right? Surprising she didn’t orgasm right there…)
Her: “I’m sure it would be. Too bad we’re on lockdown”
Him: “Yeah but if you’re not sick and I’m not sick, what’s the problem? I live alone and all I do is go to work, go to the grocery store and hang out with friends. Oh I also rarely wash my hands and refuse to wear a mask”
Her: “Oh is that all? Ok, I’ll be right over!”
Obviously, that was sarcastic, and a large generalization of the many conversations she had, but you get the point. Guys really weren’t concerned with contracting or even dying from the infectious virus, as long as they could get their dicks wet. Most conversations didn’t last longer than the initial pleasantries, but then there were the solid few that were at least able to bring her some entertainment in her boring quarantine world.
First there was the ginger guy (we all know how much she loves her a ginger) who looked cute enough in all his pics where he was wearing a hat, but looked like a tiny, little old gremlin without one. Even so, she flirted with him and they exchanged sexy pics. He even seemed to understand why she kept refusing to go over and hook up. However, this gremlin man was quick to point out her apparent hypocrisy when she told him that her family was allowing her brother to come visit them, but she still wouldn’t go over to his place to have sex.
A little backstory on that would be that her brother has some anxiety and other mental health issues and already basically lived in “self isolation” before quarantine happened. He had no vehicle and he never went anywhere. Having him over was not a risk. Going to a stranger’s house to exchange bodily fluids definitely was. And though she knew she owed this jerk no explanation, she actually enjoyed giving him shit and telling him off. It felt nice to stand up for herself.
Shortly thereafter, a friend had recommended Facebook Dating, which allows its users to see who has Liked them, without having to pay for that extra service. This was a game changer. In her attempts to set up her profile, she had had some difficulties uploading pictures. She tried for a little while and then closed it and gave up. When she went back a few hours later, not only had she accidentally uploaded the same picture 11 times (insert face palm and eye roll emojis), she also had something like 14 Likes already.
She clicked on the notification, curious to see what kinds of weirdos liked her this time, but was then instantly taken aback. She burst out laughing out of sheer surprise and immediately took a screen shot. The first guy that appeared in her Likes, was her best friend’s high school boyfriend. She thought it was hilarious. Not only because of who was staring back at her from her phone screen, but because she sincerely thought he had no idea who she was.
Even though they had hung around the same people for much of their young lives, she had always felt like he had never paid any attention to her. And not in a flirtatious way or anything, just even in a friendly, you’re-friends-with-my-girlfriend-so-I-should-at-least-acknowledge-your-existence type way. Looking back, she felt she might have even been a little intimidated by him back in high school? (So many revelations from writing this thing) She sent the screen shot to her friends and they all had a good chuckle. One of them asked is she was going to match with him, which she didn’t. But it made for a good story, at least. Along with seeing that guy on there, she also stumbled across – drum roll please…
Nice Car Guy.
Her heart sank and her stomach tied in knots. Even then, years and years later, he still had an inexplicable effect on her. He hadn’t Liked her on FB Dating, she just saw him as she went through it. She lingered on his profile for a long time. Longer than she would have liked to admit. Okay, truthfully, she left his page open for a few days. She kept going back to look at it, leaning back and forth as to whether or not she wanted to Heart him, or X him. Part of her wanted so badly to try to reconnect with him. “How exciting that would be”, she thought. Thankfully, saner heads prevailed, and she chose to X him out. She had already made that mistake and had no intention of making it again. That’s what you call growth.
She chatted with a few other guys here and there, but it wasn’t until she matched with a tall, blonde, gym-rat type guy that her entertainment leveled up. We’ll call this guy SF for short.
She messaged him and he replied quickly, telling her immediately how hot she was and how happy he was that they matched. Then it got weird. She asked him what he was up to and he felt no hesitation or reservations about blurting out, “Just having some drinks in the hot tub with my sister. She’s evil. She forgot her bathing suit so she’s in here teasing me with her thong…”
No need to re-read that. You read it right. He was just taking a casual dip in the hot tub with his scantily clad sister, as ya do. Hence the nickname SF – short for Sister Fucker.
She wasn’t sure how to reply to that. She was definitely not the least bit interested in him after that, but how often does one encounter such an odd and laughable situation? So, she kept it light and chose to ignore the creepy factor for the time being. He ended up explaining that it was his stepsister which, let’s face it, we’re all a little relieved to hear.
His sister had recently ended a bad relationship and had moved in with her brother until she could get her own place. She had hoped to move out in early May, but her plans had changed because of quarantine. “Okay…” she thought. “Maybe they’re just drunk and it’s not as creepy and gross as it seems…” Typical of her, always giving people the benefit of the doubt, even when literally every sign is screaming out, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING WEIRDOS!
Then, before she knew it, his sister had commandeered his phone and she was now texting with her instead of him. She tried to have a normal conversation, but the sister kept going back to things like “What do you want me to do to tease him for you?” She got so annoyed that she finally blurted out, “Why aren’t you on dating apps too if you’re so horned up? You need to release some of that sexual tension in a more socially acceptable way! Go get yourself off and leave the creepiness in the hot tub!”The sister liked that idea and handed the phone back to her brother.
“You women are evil” he said when he got his phone back. “Why?” she asked. “My sister told me I’d have my hands full with you and that you said you want to come over and ride me in the hot tub…” She nearly threw her phone she was so surprised. Who the hell were these pervy sicko people she was talking to?! If nothing else, this was the most entertaining 45 minutes in quarantine yet. She assured him that she hadn’t said anything like that and told him to re-read their conversation. At this point the conversation was solely about him and his sister having sex.
“We haven’t had sex,” he kept repeating. “Well have you done other stuff!?” she asked, incredulously. “Maybe…” he replied. WHO ADMITS TO HOOKING UP WITH THEIR SISTER?! Let alone, who BRAGS about it??
“You’re going to fuck her” she said plainly. “This has only been going on since quarantine,” he tried to re-assure her. “Things will go back to normal afterwards. Like I said, we haven’t even fucked…” To which she replied, “Yeah, and quarantine’s not over.” She ended the conversation there and deleted the thread. That was enough real-life Jerry Springer for her for one day.
A few days later, though, she discovered that he had re-Liked her. Without hesitating, she X’d him out and kept scrolling. There was no way she was going to engage in another incestual conversation with him. Or so she thought.
About a week after that, he re-re-Liked her. And she had to give it to him, he was persistent. She decided to re-match with him and see what he had to say. It started off friendly enough, but the conversation inevitably ended up back on his sister. She discovered that he and his sister had in fact had sex after they had stopped chatting that first night.
Vom.
“Why are you trying to keep talking to me, then?” she asked. “You seem to have everything you need right there!” To which he replied, “I need someone that’s not my sister!”
There was no way she was meeting up with anyone in quarantine, let alone a Sister Fucker. She wished him the best with his sister-wife and ended the conversation. There was only so much weirdness she could handle. After that, she decided to take a bit of a break from the constant swiping.
Dating apps had become a habit she didn’t want to have. She left her profiles up but turned off the notifications. The constant swiping left and right – it became another activity to do mindlessly on her phone instead of enjoying the unprecedented free time that quarantine had given her.
She decided to be more productive with her time and began working out again. She started eating healthier again and she stopped buying Peanut Butter M&M’s every time her stoner munchies kicked in. She had successfully achieved level 100 of Quarantine Distraction, and now it was time to put in the hard work.
It was time to work on herself. Mind. Body. Soul.