After chatting with so many guys throughout the first few months of quarantine, it became clear to her that as much as she really did want to hook up with someone, casual sex was a bigger deal to her than she realized. Unless she was drunk, she wasn’t sure she had it in her to just meet up with a guy and let him penetrate her as if it were no big deal. She decided that she would still work towards casual sexual experiences, but hoped to find one guy to put on repeat – a reliable Friend With Benefits, you could say – making it a little bit more her speed rather than potentially hooking up with a bunch of rando’s. But, like the mythical Unicorn, she wasn’t sure if that really existed.
A few days went by after having this revelation. She needed a lighthearted distraction so she randomly put on a new Jerry Seinfeld comedy special on Netflix. She had been feeling a lot of emotions recently. Not only because of the pandemic and the fear she had about contracting the virus – she was also dealing with the death of her grandmother.
Her grandmother, who was just two weeks shy of her 91st birthday, had passed away from Covid earlier that week. Her grandmother had been in a nursing home due to her Dimentia/Alzheimer’s, and had contracted the virus there. She knew her grandmother wouldn’t have lived for that much longer, but had the nursing homes been properly equipped to handle this health crisis, maybe her grandmother would have still been there. She was a real emotional wreck over it.
As she mindlessly watched Jerry Seinfeld work his new material, she listened to him crack jokes about how, generally, everyone’s life sucks. He was saying, “Your life sucks, my life sucks – well… maybe not as much as yours…” (Big laugh for that one). And even then, while on day whatever-it-was of quarantine, barely 48 hours after her grandmother had just died from this devastating disease, she lay on her bed, a single, overweight, lost and naïve “little girl” – she still thought to herself how wonderful her life really was.
She thought about it and knew that she was blessed with true friendship from all these amazing women in her life. She also had the unyielding, life supporting love of her family – the clan of crazies she was so fortunate to be born in to. All the money in the world couldn’t buy that kind of happiness and just, a feeling of wholeness, really. To be complete. Despite all the things she lacked and yearned for in her life, she knew her life didn’t suck. This is exactly the life she always wanted and, in that moment, she was just so aware of, and grateful for what she had. She decided, then and there, that she wasn’t going to let life pass her by any more. She wasn’t going to be a voyeur into her own experiences – she was going to make things happen for herself.
Throughout her entire relationship, her ex was always bouncing back and forth between, “you’re so hot,” “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world,” “I’m so lucky to be with you,” to “you’re a fat, useless, ugly slob,” “You just sit on the couch all day getting fatter and fatter,” “You’re lucky to be with me, no one else would ever want that.”
Her way of coping with that mental and verbal abuse was to eat anything and everything in sight. She would shame eat by running over to the corner store while her boyfriend would be at work. She’d buy a few chocolate bars and a box of Pizza Pockets, eat all 3 in one sitting, and then run the box over to the garbage at the nearby park to get rid of any evidence. And that is just one example – there were many.
However, since being home and not having the constant weight (excuse the pun) of his abuse pushing her down, she finally felt like she was at a point in her life where she could actually commit to a lifestyle change. And not even for vanity reasons. She knew that one of the main contributing factors to PCOS was being overweight. If she were going to conquer this infertility garbage, she would have to put in the work.
She had seen a commercial for a new weight loss app. This program focused on the psychology of why people over eat. What are their triggers? Are they emotional eaters? Stress eaters? What is the motivation for losing weight? – things she had never really addressed to herself.
Turns out she was an emotional eater who snacked when she was bored. Not really rocket science, she definitely knew all that already. But when she was asked, “what is your motivation to start this weight loss journey?” and she wrote about her PCOS, it was the first time that she really put all her thoughts, feelings and concerns into words. The first time she really felt herself taking charge of this gigantic part of her life and her future.
During the last leg of her relationship, her ex had made the choice to go Vegan. As he was the cook in the relationship, she was basically forced into it. This was part of the reason why she would eat Pizza Pockets in secret – out of spite. However, after 2 years of plant-based eating with him, she discovered how much better she felt when she wasn’t filling her body with beef, pork, and dairy. She had never fully given up chicken or cheese, but had stopped drinking milk and had found several dairy alternatives. She became what she fondly refers to as, a Flexitarian.
So, when she began this weight loss journey, she was already on the right track. She wasn’t craving pepperoni pizza, or bacon, or sausages, or any of the salty and delicious dead animals she used to love. Along with other lifestyle changes, like not eating bagels with cream cheese every god damn morning, the weight just started melting off of her. She couldn’t believe how much better she felt. Not just because she was starting to look better, but mentally and emotionally, she didn’t realize the toll her depression weight gain had taken on her throughout her relationship.
What was also helpful for her was that she had started seeing a therapist as well. Back in February, she had had one in-person session with a counselor that her doctor had referred her to. Their second session would have been March 18th, but the province had closed for Covid by then. She had continued her sessions via Zoom, starting in April. It was helpful to unload all her trauma and neuroses on someone who was actually qualified to listen, instead of just dumping all her bullshit on her friends all the time. She felt good that she was not only working on her physical well being, but her mental and emotional health as well. This was the beginning of a whole new life for her, and she finally felt that she was actually up for the challenge.