That weekend at the cottage was exactly what the doctor ordered. She went back to work that Monday with her masked face held high. She was happy to have a purpose again and to be back doing what she loved. She was thrilled to be off the couch and getting some exercise again, even if that just meant walking to and from the bus or being on her feet all day at work. She just felt so good about herself. True contentment in every aspect of herself and her life.
She was still on the dating apps, but with restrictions lifting even more, her built in pandemic excuse was starting to lose its validity (except not really, right? It’s still a pandemic!). She would match with all these guys, they’d get along, chat. Most wouldn’t even get too deep in to the sex talk anymore. But the second they asked her to meet up, she’d freeze and delete the conversation.
One guy she matched with, she thought she actually might be interested in. He wasn’t overly hot, but attractive enough. He was smart and funny and could carry a conversation. When he asked her to hang out, instead of deleting the conversation, she paused. She didn’t reply to him right away, but waited until the next day. When she did reply, she decided to be as honest as possible and basically told him that the next few weeks were pretty busy for her (which was true), but asked if he would be willing to chat a little while longer. He was respectful yet blunt in his reply saying, “I’m not looking for a pen pal. Good luck with everything.”
Logically, what more could she have asked for from someone other than complete and utter honesty? Still though, it annoyed her that he wasn’t willing to keep chatting. Her thought process was that there was nothing stopping him from chatting with other girls while he chatted with her. If he met someone, they would obviously stop chatting. But if not, then they could have met up when she was ready and able.
She texted a screenshot of the conversation to her friends who quickly burst her bubble and basically sided with him. They expressed that another month to wait to meet up was too long when, as mentioned before, guys are really only looking to fuck. It was then that she decided to pause all her dating apps and hide her profiles for a while.
It was true – why waste her time, and theirs, if she knew in the end she wasn’t willing to meet up with anyone yet? She felt good about her decision. Especially since she was so busy now, she was happy to keep herself open to more tangible events and activities. There was no room in her life for a guy at that moment, even just a casual FWB thing.
Now that the distraction from dating apps had somewhat dissipated, she could continue to focus on her true goal of overcoming her infertility. She remembered back to all the fertility treatments and appointments she had taken and gone to when she was living up north with her ex. It all seemed… unreal? Imaginary?
She felt like she just always knew, deep down inside her, that nothing would have ever come of it. Her heart and soul knew she was leaving him before her mind was ready to accept it. She also knew that now that she was on her own, living with her parents – no car, no money, no sperm – this was probably not the best time to jump back on the baby train. Instead, she now had to actually get her shit together. Her goal was to lose weight, freeze her eggs, and do everything in her power to get her life in order so that when she was ready to have kids, there would no longer be any obstacles in her way.
She called the fertility specialist that her family doctor had referred her to. She attended a Zoom consultation with the specialist a few weeks later, and was told that on day 1 of her next menstrual cycle, she was to call the clinic and they would begin blood work. However, day 1 never came. That consultation was in mid April. She had already had her period that month. Then May came. Then June. July. August… What was she supposed to do if she just never got her period??
This is an extremely common symptom of PCOS, and she was tired of her body postponing her life goals. So, she contacted the clinic and explained the situation. They prescribed her some pills with a long, clinical name – she just called them “period boosters”. She was to take one pill every morning with food, and within seven days of finishing them, she should have her period and they could begin the testing.
On day 6 of taking these pills, the gut wrenching, tear-you-apart-from-the-inside, all too familiar period cramps had returned. She hadn’t had her period in 4 months. No cramps, no mood swings, no blood. She had sincerely forgotten all the bullshit that comes with being a full-blown menstruation machine. She kept taking the pills but on day 9, Aunt Flo had returned in full force from an extremely overextended vacation, and it was not a welcomed visit.
Not only were her insides being figuratively torn to shreds by her own body, her hormones were also completely off the charts. Her poor parents. Her mother, (who is the most caring, nurturing, loving woman on earth) got the brunt of it. She would snap at her mom, roll her eyes, give her the dirtiest looks. And would catch herself thinking, “ugh! Mom! You’re so annoying! Just leave me alone!!” like the petulant teenager she had apparently regressed in to.
Her father, who learned back when she was 12 years old to leave her the hell alone when she was on her period, was re-learning that she was not to be fucked with. She was very aware of her mood swings, and would apologize for her behaviour as often as she could (when she wasn’t busy being a dirty, rotten bitch), and thankfully her parents understood that it wasn’t really her fault and that it would only last a few more days. It’s worth reiterating, in her defense, that this was four months in the making.
It’s also worth mentioning that she had plans to go camping the weekend that she got her period. She did not do the mental math before starting those pills. Had she just waited a few days to start them, she wouldn’t have been out in nature, having to go to the bathroom. Finding herself having to shit on a rock while simultaneously pulling out an overflowing Diva Cup from her vagina and dumping it out in the leaves, creating a full on murder scene in the in the middle of the woods. She worried about critters catching her scent and kept picturing the guys being like, “HOLY FUCK – A BEAR!” and her being like “HE’S HERE FOR ME! HE’S ATTRACTED TO MY LADY FRAGRANCE!!” or some shit.
Anyways…
The Friday that she was leaving for camping was the day she began her blood tests. She stopped at the fertility clinic on her way out of town and had several vials of blood drawn. She left feeling excited, ecstatic, optimistic, and a little dizzy. Good thing she grabbed a sub before hitting the road. Now, all she could do was wait for the results and just keep on keepin’ on, on her quest to lose weight.
The weight loss app she started on was really the best thing she could have ever done. That, and her continued goal of going plant based (as much as possible) were a driving force on her weight loss journey. She was already actively seeking out more veggies, fruits, and meat-alternative meals. The weight just kept falling off of her. She remembered after having only lost a few pounds, her friend told her, “You look amazing. You were literally wearing your depression and your circumstances. You can see it in your face that you’re happy”. Now that’s definitely paraphrased but you get the gist.
It really sunk in to her, then, that it’s true – she was so fucking happy now that she wasn’t in that situation anymore. So there was nothing stopping her from committing to this new, life changing goal. By the time that camping weekend was upon her, just over 3 months after committing to her weight loss, she was down 26lbs. She was a whole new person, in literally every way. And she couldn’t’ have been happier.