Is this for real?! She thought to herself. She couldn’t believe how quickly she made the decision to hook up with a stranger. At her parents house. During a pandemic.
She had grilled him on his personal Covid protocols and he seemed legit. He was off work, stayed at home most days, didn’t interact with many people. Yes, he wore his mask. Yes, he washed his hands often. Yes, he practiced social distancing. No, he hadn’t been with anyone since Covid. And finally, yes, people are very capable of lying and her track record for being a good judge of character was pretty low. But it would be no different than passing someone on the street who’s not wearing a mask, she told herself. Except she would be making out with this person, among other things. Despite the risks, she still couldn’t help but be a little bit excited.
The day arrived, and she jumped in the shower and began to shave literally everything. Her parents went out a little while later and it was just her and the family dog, waiting impatiently for this random guy to arrive. Everything she said she didn’t want to do; she was about to do. All her dating profiles expressed that she didn’t want to hook up on the first date. That she wanted to do patio drinks and have a conversation to make sure there was chemistry before anything went further. And yet, here she was, waiting for this stranger to come into her home and have his way with her. Her stomach was in knots and she (figuratively) wanted to throw up.
Then, he was there. Knocking on her side door so her nosey neighbours wouldn’t see him. She let him in and their eyes met. It was exciting and electric and awkward and exhilarating. She had told him about her dog so he even arrived with a dog treat for him. The dog took it and headed over to the couch, allowing them to sneak upstairs. She closed the bedroom door and then it became really real.
He stood there, in her bedroom, hovering over her as he was much taller than she had anticipated. He leaned in and they kissed. Less tongue than she would have hoped for (as in, basically none) but she got into it, nonetheless. The kissing progressed further and before she knew it, she was having sex. She was having sex with someone who wasn’t her ex. She had been wanting this every day since she had moved back home. The question was, then, did this experience live up to the fantasy she had built up in her head?
The answer is no. No, it did not.
First of all, she forgot how much she hated condoms. They dried her out and it was not pleasurable. Not much she could do about that, but it sucked, nonetheless. Secondly, there was no foreplay. Despite her telling him what she needed, he had a one-track mind. Before starting, he had asked her to take out her vibrator to use while they were doing the deed. Thoughtful as that was, she could use that on her own time.
She didn’t want to use it, but she ended up needing to. The pro to that was that he didn’t get angry after he had finished and she hadn’t. In fact, he encouraged her and enjoyed watching. All she could think about was how angry her ex used to get when she would have the audacity to finish herself off after he hadn’t gotten the job done for her himself. That part was a welcome change. The real mood killer, though, was that her dog had heard them and was barking and scratching at the door the entire time.
Afterwards, they just hung out and talked. He was charming and funny and nice and very forthcoming. He told her about some of his issues; why he had moved home, what he enjoyed doing for fun. He even expressed that he was seeing a counsellor which she thought was amazing and extremely healthy. He was surprised at her reaction to the counsellor thing. He expected her to think he was crazy when really, she was impressed at his efforts for self improvement and growth.
They chatted for a while but the looming fear that her parents would be home at any minute was growing larger and larger in her anxious mind. She sent him home less than two hours after he came over. They kissed goodbye and agreed to chat soon. He left, and she immediately ran back upstairs for a shower which included an intense face scrub, followed by a rigorous tooth brushing. Then she washed her sheets and comforter.
Turns out, her parents wouldn’t be home for several hours after he had left. She ended up sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching TV, agonizing over what had just happened. Instead of being elated like she had expected to be, she was riddled with feelings of guilt and shame. Guilt that she had risked her and her parents’ lives by allowing a stranger in her house during a deadly pandemic. Shame that she had allowed some stranger to have sex with her on their first “date” despite her adamant feelings about not wanting it to happen that way. Also, in spite of her efforts to ignore it, she couldn’t shake the loud, thunderous roar of her ex’s voice in her head shouting at her, telling her what a slut she was. And finally, she was also disappointed at the realization that the entire ordeal just wasn’t worth it.
The sex wasn’t amazing, the kissing wasn’t amazing, the company was nice but not worth the stress of having him over. Additionally, this guy was about 6ft, and her ex was 5”8 on a good day. The sheer stature of this stranger man and the width of his hips was more than she was used. That being said, she had never before had to spread her legs as wide as she had during her little romp in the sack with him. She most definitely pulled her groin muscle and that, too, made the experience not worth it. And again, she was left to give herself the orgasms that he wasn’t able to deliver – something she could have done on her own, without the guilt or shame that apparently came with it.
By the next afternoon, however, she had poked her head out of her metaphorical shame dungeon and was feeling a little bit better. She reminded herself that he was Covid safe and that they had used a condom so the worry of STI’s wasn’t necessary. Neither was the worry that she could in any way be pregnant. Turns out PCOS is shitty for real life, but GREAT for casual sex! She also knew that her parents weren’t going to find out about it and that the whole experience could be put behind her. She had finally done what she had been trying to do for months, and now she knew that she didn’t need it. She realized, yet again, that she was better off on her own, and she felt some peace in that.