Shortly after the phone conversation about her ex, the holidays were finally upon her and she had so been looking forward to some time off. She was going to enjoy Christmas with her parents and her brother, she was going to see her friends, she even had a laser hair removal appointment set up! She was excited to celebrate New Years with her friends and ring in 2021 on the most positive note possible…
Then lockdown was announced. No friends. No fun. No New Years celebration. Christmas was still the same but then she was just left at home with her parents for nine days. Nothing wrong with spending time with her parents, but one can only watch so many episodes of a week-long CSI marathon with their mother before going a little stir crazy.
Each day was melting in to the next and the boredom was all consuming. What cures boredom? Why, matching with a ton of guys on dating apps, of course! So, she just started mindlessly swiping right. Let’s be real though, a lot of swiping left also. But she ended up chatting with a bunch of different guys. Some were just innocent introductions, some were actually pretty interesting conversations, and some were a little more risqué.
One of the more innocent conversations she had was with a guy who lived out in the country, in a big house on a lake, all by himself. He was in his early 30s and was already living his retirement life, as he put it. He wasn’t the hottest guy she’d ever seen, but his profile made her giggle so she kept chatting.
After about half an hour into their first conversation, she checked his profile again and realized the one mutual friend they had was an old friend of her ex’s. That friend worked in research at one of the universities in her hometown so she figured this guy knew him from there. But upon further investigation, she saw that this guys hometown was her ex’s home town. Meaning, this random guy she matched with on Facebook Dating, could very well be an old friend of her ex’s. What are the fucking chances?!
She immediately asked him about their mutual friend. He said that yes, he knew him, but they hadn’t been in contact for some time. Then she asked about her ex but he said he didn’t know anyone by that name. This guy was French and her ex would have gone to school at the English high school. So, even though they grew up literally a stone’s throw away from each other, this guy likely didn’t actually know her ex. But how friggin strange is that?! Small world.
They changed the subject and she realized that this guy was really nice, but definitely not her type. (Of course he wasn’t. Nice guys rarely were.) She tried not to reply as quickly, or give as much to the conversation. She didn’t want to full on ghost him, but its so hard explaining to someone that you just don’t like him that way. Especially after he sent her the most boudoir-esque photo of himself laying on his bed like the subject of an oil painting, in an effort to show her how one would take a good ass pic. It was pretty hilarious and incredibly awkward to look at, but she played it off smoothly. She didn’t want to em-bare-ass the poor guy (hahaha see what I did there? Sorry – anyways…)
Meanwhile, she was also chatting with a few other guys. One guy wouldn’t stop telling her how hot she was, which obviously she enjoyed. But he was gorgeous, also – super fit, great eyes, nice smile. And not even that short! He said he was 5″11 which, really, could mean 5″9, but that’s still taller than her ex so she counted it as a win. All throughout their conversation he still continued to tell her how hot she was and he kept asking why and how she could be single. She explained her story briefly and he seemed genuinely interested. Eventually they ran out of small talk so they decided to start a game of 20 questions.
One of the questions he asked her was “how many other guys are you talking with”, adding, “I don’t care, I’m just curious.” She knew he definitely did care, but she also wasn’t going to just say no one. She told him she had 3 other conversations going, but that he was the only one she had talked to that day. Both were lies. She had like five or six other conversations going, two of which she had been chatting with at exactly that moment. Her guard was up now, though. He had just given her a glimpse of his fragile masculinity. But they moved on and kept playing. He said he wanted to meet her, and she wanted to meet him, but lockdown, remember? He then said he had to go take care of something and that he’d be right back. But that was the last she had heard from him that day.
He messaged her another few more times over the holidays, and a few times in to January as well. Each time ended it with “I have to go check on something,” and he just stopped replying. Or sometimes not even saying that and just no reply until the next time he decided he was bored enough to chat with her. She eventually stopped answering. Too bad, though. He was a smoke show and would have been great for the no-strings-attached hook up she was looking for. Oh well, on to the next!
On Bumble, she matched with a hot guy with a ginger beard – which should have been the red flag indicating how much he would suck. This guy had one picture, his name was “Ask”, instead of his actual name, and he had no bio. She messaged him a little wave to start the conversation. They went through the typical pleasantries and then he said, “well come pick me up”. No one would blame her for assuming that all this guy wanted was sex. She replied, “Oh, I think we both might be barking up the wrong tree here. I don’t have a car, nor do I have a place to hook up. Not gunna happen.”
Well, he was most offended by that comment. “Excuse me?!” he said. “That’s awfully presumptive of you!” He then began to list the other things they could have done if she had picked him up, like gone for a walk or gone to get a coffee. She explained why she assumed that sex is all he wanted, to which he replied, “Don’t whine. I’m not here for that.” Who was whining?! She had expressed to him the image that he was projecting, and he got upset. Then he unmatched with her which really pissed her off because she wanted to be the one to un-match. What a dick.
If that charmer wasn’t enough to tire her of these stupid apps, she then matched with another guy on Bumble. A tall, brown eyed, dark haired, 29-year-old. In one pic he had a major porn-stache, in another he was dressed as a walking beer pong table. Clearly her standards were sky high. But his bio was funny and in his not-stupid-pics he looked pretty cute. She messaged him a quick “heyy” to which he replied “YESSSSSS!!” almost immediately. He was very excited that she messaged him and told her that he was actually about to extend their match had she not reached out. They chatted for a little while, and he was definitely the funniest out of all the guys she’d talked to.
They talked about how she had never been to Europe, but that he had been to Paris twice in 2016 during a European vacation of several countries. She said, “Well you’ll have to show me around Paris sometime”, clearly joking and just being flirty. To which he replied, “Well I’ll contact my travel agent, but he’ll need your number. This is for official purposes only. Definitely not for my own personal use.” She laughed out loud and sent him her number. A few short minutes later she received a text, “Hi, this is Dave from Air Canada, checking in about your future trip to Paris…”
That was it. She officially liked this guy. He was cute and funny and didn’t seem to take things too seriously. Except, when he wasn’t being funny, he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. They went back and forth with the Dave from Air Canada bit for a while but then he just had nothing interesting left to say. Shortly after, he was heading out for a walk so the conversation ended. But it picked back up a few times over the holidays and still, it was slow going as far as interesting conversations went. That was unfortunate but, again, oh well.
Also, just to touch on his age for a second. Being that she was in her early 30’s when she became single, she really only ever set her sights on older men. Her age limits on dating apps were 33 – 41. She wanted someone older and more experienced to just take her and have his way with her. Based on the few conversations she’d had with older men though, most in their early 40s, she realized that a lot of older single guys are just bitter and angry. Then she noticed a lot of guys in their late 20’s were liking her on these apps. She thought, what’s so wrong with dating a younger guy? Not even dating, maybe just hooking up with or, more realistically, just chatting with? They all seemed so happy and ambitious and still optimistic for the shitstorm called Life that lay ahead of them. She could be a Cougar for a little while, she thought. She didn’t even have to change her age restrictions, these apps were showing her 29-year-olds whether she liked it or not, so she continued to happily swipe away.
On a slow chatting morning a few days before New Years, she decided to re-download Hinge to give herself an even broader selection. Bumble, Tinder and FB Dating just weren’t doing the trick anymore. After the holidays she would definitely have to check herself in to Dating Apps Anonymous, but until then, she just started liking pics. Hinge is a shitty app though because you only get a certain amount of likes in a day before you use them all up and then it tells you to pay like $25/month for unlimited likes. No thanks. Fortunately for her, though, guys were still able to like her pics and she could then choose to match with them or not. Most guys she X’d out but one guy definitely caught her eye.
He was 5”8 (of course), but had crystal clear blue eyes, a great smile with nice teeth, and the perfect amount of facial scruff. Not a full beard, but also not clean shaven. He was hot AF! He liked one of her pics and she chose to match with him. This guy too, couldn’t stop talking about how hot she was and kept saying she was out of his league. As flattering as that was, this guy was gorgeous. What the hell was he talking about, she was too hot for him?
On one hand she liked that he thought so highly of her, on the other hand, a knot formed in the pit of her stomach agonizing about what a let down it would be if they ever did meet. Yeah she’d lost weight, but she had a bunch of loose skin because of it which she had been trying to tone up. In some respect she was more insecure about her body now than she had been before. Being put on a pedestal like that can be a real mind-fuck. She had to keep reminding herself that all those little things don’t matter. He was literally in the process of telling her she was beautiful. Why was she twisting that around making herself feel unworthy? Cut that shit out right now!
They moved past all that “too hot for me” nonsense, and began to chat and get to know each other. They sent pics back and forth, nothing risqué yet, but he sent her some shirtless pics and yeah, this guy was definitely just saying all that “too hot for me” garbage to get her in his pants. He had a full six pack and a huge bulge, according to his sweatpants. The pics became more X-rated and he started to pepper her with questions about when they could meet up. She would have done anything to just jump in her parent’s car and go meet up with him. Alas, the universe just really didn’t want her to get laid. They were in lockdown and she wasn’t about to go give some random guy a BJ in his truck because there was no where else to go to hook up (been there, done that!). It took a while for him to stop asking her, which was a huge turn off, but eventually he went back to being charming. At the very least, she knew she wanted to hook up with him when things were safe, but this was definitely not someone she wanted to get serious with. Good thing that’s not what she was looking for at that moment. She just wanted fun, fun, fun!
As she chatted with this guy, another fella liked her on Hinge. He seemed cute enough. Not much on his profile but he was closer to her geographically than any other guys had been. That seemed like enough to warrant a match. They started talking and he was basic enough. Funny but not hilarious, nice but kind of boring, sweet but awkward. They talked for almost an hour before he said, “So this might sound weird if I’m wrong but, I think we went to high school together?”
WHAT?! She immediately went back to his profile and truly, not in any ounce of her being did she recognize this person.
She asked his last name and it only sort of rang a bell. She discovered that he was a grade below her and he had hung out with some of the popular guys in her grade, but mostly with all the stoners and druggies, which were definitely not her crowds in high school. He mentioned the one girl he dated then, which also rang a bell but she couldn’t put a face to the name either. And her social media sleuthing skills were really not up to par because she couldn’t find this girl anywhere. Then, the more they talked about their friends and who they hung around with, they realized that they even went to the same elementary school too! She had basically grown up with this guy and she had no idea who he was.
She was eventually able to find him on Facebook and, like most guys, he hadn’t updated his profile pic that often so she was able to see photos of him from when he was a lot younger. She finally placed him and realized who he was. If anything, though, that was all just a huge turn off. After reconnecting and hooking up with her friend’s high school boyfriend, Craig, the thought of anyone else from her past popping up, whether she knew him or not, was just not for her. Such a small friggin world, though!
Then there was another guy on Hinge. Same deal as the others, apparently she has a type: short(ish), dark hair, nice eyes, good scruff. This guy seemed nice enough, but when they got to talking about what they were looking for, he surprised her by saying he was looking for something serious and meaningful. Every other guy on any other dating app made it seem like they had hit the jackpot when they found out what she was looking for; a monogamous FWB that she could have fun with, laugh with, be comfortable with. At the same time though, she wanted someone who wouldn’t become enmeshed in her life but she could trust not to be out getting diseases from other people (Covid or otherwise). Is that all too much to ask!?
Most guys seemed totally on board with that. Not this guy. Immediately he made her feel like a slut. No, he didn’t say the word slut, but he told her, “I’m not looking for someone who’s been with all these guys. Or who wants to be with all these guys. You’re not a rare gem for wanting this. I’ve been asked for, and turned down, so many hook ups since being on this site. No offence, but fast sex is just not for me. I could hook up with anyone, anywhere. But I don’t want that. Just can’t seem to find a good girl anywhere.” It took everything she had not to write a long, elaborate rebuttal to his stupid reply, but instead she just unmatched him.
And then, her long, boring, feels-like-Sunday-every-day, Christmas holidays were over. It was time for her to go back to work. She still had some lingering matches popping up. Guys who would message her asking the same mundane things she had been entertaining throughout her time off. But now she was back to “reality”. Going back to work left her less time to waste talking to guys she’d likely never meet. Not only because of her own anxieties of actually dating instead of just chatting online, but also because of Lockdown. Even if she was willing to meet up with anyone, the pandemic and the recent lockdown continued to prevent her from experiencing any kind of real dating life. She knew though, that these were not actually real problems and that most people had it much worse than she did.
So, for the time being, she accepted her fate of no sex for the foreseeable future, and instead, she put her energy back in to her work. She’d gone this long without really dating, what’s another couple months??