Chapter Thirty Seven

Back in November, she had finished work and was walking across the downtown core to go meet up with some friends for a “socially distanced” patio dinner. She was early and she really had to pee. On her way to the restaurant, she tried to run in to a nearby chain bookstore. One of those big ones with the Starbucks’ in them. Unfortunately, she was told that their bathrooms were closed due to Covid protocols. She would have to backtrack towards the mall so she didn’t pee her pants. In her rush to head back, she almost smashed into a guy walking opposite her on the sidewalk. He seemed like he was 10 feet tall. She looked up to apologize for her clumsiness when she realized – “wait! I know this guy!”

Of all the people she could have run in to in that random moment downtown, she happened to run in to a guy she knew through her ex. Carl, we’ll call him. This guy was good friends with a close buddy of her ex’s. They had gone on several camping trips together throughout her relationship. She had met and gotten close to his (then)girlfriend. She knew this guy Carl well enough, but never in a million years would she have tried to reach out to him when she moved back to her home town. Yet now here she was, literally running in to him. It never ceased to amaze her what a small town that big city was.

They got to chatting, her bladder seemingly less in need of release. Carl couldn’t believe how great she looked and couldn’t stop telling her. That was nice to hear. Part of her hoped the news would reach her ex, but Carl told her that he hadn’t spoken to him in several months. Then the compliments continued and she knew he no longer saw her as his buddy’s chubby girlfriend. He was looking at her the way she looked at pizza.

She knew he was now hitting on her and, again, was complimented by it but just didn’t feel the same way. He wasn’t making her feel uncomfortable or anything. He was actually really friendly and funny and interesting, and it was really great catching up. He asked her if she wanted to get together for coffee sometime, to which she agreed but assumed, like most casual interactions of that kind, it likely might not happen. They hugged awkwardly which she immediately regretted because like, ah! Covid!, but that worry dissipated as her bladder filled back up and she had to literally run to the mall bathroom before she exploded.

Later during dinner, she received a Facebook message from him saying how great it was to see her and that he really did hope they would be able to get together. She didn’t reply until she got home later that night. After having thought about it over the course of her evening, she figured it couldn’t hurt to meet up with him. He had always been super nice to her whenever they had hung out. He was smart, funny, a great conversationalist, and he was actually an accomplished amateur nature photographer which she found very impressive.

He was attractive enough, but not her usual type. Was it mentioned that he was 6’5? An actual tall guy wanted to take her out! However, she had just never seen him in a romantic light before. And despite all his great qualities, to her he would always just be a guy that reminded her of her ex. Still, she decided that yes, she’d be down to go grab a coffee and catch up. She left the ball in his court and then never heard from him, which she was totally cool with. Less pressure for her to actually follow through.

That is, until, he contacted her in January. One random Thursday evening, she was watching Family Feud with her parents as she did every night because her life was super exciting (Seriously people, relax with the jealousy), when she received another message from him asking if that coffee date was still on the table. He suggested they just go out and grab one, or if she were brave enough (pandemic wise) she could go over to his place for coffee and he would make them lunch. At that point, they were all still in lockdown and he even lived across the bridge where they had a curfew of 8pm. The rules were cracking down to try to get this fucking pandemic under control, so she was now even more hesitant to meet up. She thought about it a bit, though, and decided she was tired of the boredom from staying in. So instead of going over to his house, she suggested they just go for a walk. He agreed, and they made plans for the following weekend.

Carl contacted her the next week and they decided to check out a sweet little trail closer to her end of town. She became more and more anxious as the day approached. That Sunday, she got ready and nervously drove out to meet him. Unfortunately, he had mis-remembered the correct bus route he should have taken so she ended up having to leave the trail where she had been waiting, to go pick him up. This actually worked out better for her, though, because if she were driving, she couldn’t be nervous. She had to focus on the road which left no room for awkwardness.

They arrived back at the trail and it was already way more comfortable than she had anticipated. He filled her in on his job and the success he was having after having struggled for the last several years due to his relationship with his ex, as well as professional set backs. She was happy for him that he was doing so well. But of course, they also talked about her and her ex. It was the common ground they had together. She filled him in on why they broke up and what she had been doing since. He complimented her on her success and she on his.

Then, Carl suggested they go sit down on some nearby benches. He took off his backpack and pulled out two sandwiches, some danishes and other baked goods, a bottle of water for her, and an energy drink for him. He had actually gone to a downtown market on his bus ride over there, and bought them a little winter picnic. How cute and thoughtful is that?! She was surprised and flattered. All of a sudden, it felt like she was on an actual date with a really nice guy. How weird for her. It was then, though, over a sandwich and an energy drink, that they began discussing the more nitty-gritty parts of their respective relationships.

As he told her about his ex and how she had cheated on him with her now-husband, he then went on to inform her that he was fairly certain that her ex had cheated on her. Several times. As often as he could, in fact. Which really, wasn’t very often. But often enough, apparently.

She was shocked and in disbelief. Carl asked if her ex’s friend, the guy that he was also friends with, had ever come visit them when they were living in Northern Ontario. She said that yes, he had. He then asked if that friend and her ex had gone out together alone that weekend.

She really couldn’t remember. She remembered the three of them going out for dinner, but couldn’t recall if the boys had gone out alone later. He then basically confirmed that they had, even though he wasn’t there. She thought back hard but truly had no recollection of how the night had ended. Likely because she would have been stoned and a little tipsy and had probably just gone to bed. Is that when they could have gone out? She had so many questions and she cursed her spotty stoner memory.

Carl said that he didn’t know for sure, but that the friend had basically implied that they had gone to a strip club that night. He couldn’t say with absolute certainty, but he was fairly sure that that was just one of the times he had cheated. She wondered if he actually in fact could say for certain, because it felt like the friend had basically told Carl all of that verbatim. She figured he was trying to salvage what was left of his “bro-code” by remaining somewhat vague.

Not only that, though. He also recalled a time that they had all gone camping – her and her ex and Carl and their friend. Carl said that while he was strolling around the campsite taking his nature photographs, he was listening to her ex’s conversation with this friend. They were talking about other women, and the friend asked her ex how she felt about him and his perverted, sex-crazy ways. Her ex casually responded with, “Oh her? She doesn’t matter. She’s just my blow job machine.” (Pause for immediate outrage.) Carl then said he looked up from his camera at her, and she was just sitting across the fire pit, looking dead inside. He didn’t think she had heard, which she hadn’t, but he said that it was on that camping trip that her ex and this friend talked about all the times he had cheated on her, most of the time when this friend had been visiting.

She was blown away. Livid at the thought of her ex actually saying those disgusting words about someone he supposedly “loved”. She was furious and completely insulted, but not surprised. This was definitely something he could have done. However, she just really never thought he had cheated. They were together basically 24/7. When could he have had the time? She knew it was entirely possible for him to have had an online affair because he had been on and off dating apps throughout their entire relationship. But to actually, physically, cheat on her – she just really believed that he never had. She was disappointed she never knew because that would have been an easy final straw to have ended their relationship much earlier. Guess not, though. She was just left in the dark all those years. Either by his expert lies, or her persistent willful ignorance.

She and Carl stayed on the subject for a while but it got to the point where she couldn’t listen or talk about it anymore. They continued their walk and talked about other more current subjects. When they completed the loop a second time they decided to call it a day and went back to her car. She drove him back to the bus stop and they agreed to get together again after lockdown was lifted.

As she drove away, she thought about how nice this guy was. How they had actually been through similar situations because his ex-girlfriend had been emotionally abusive to him as well. Physically, also. She was able to hit and punch and hurt this giant man because he refused to ever lift a finger to retaliate. She knew he understood how she was feeling. Not only because he had been through a similar situation, but because he had literally seen her go through her own shit with her ex. As she drove home, reflecting on her enjoyable afternoon, her hands began to clench down on the steering wheel. Her jaw started to tighten and her shoulders tensed up. She began vibrating with rage.

She was angry that she had been fooled. She wished she had followed through on any number of the red flags she had ignored. She was mad at herself but, once again, her fury still rested primarily on him. She had had to run some errands after her date, so in her fit of fury, she sat parked in the grocery store parking lot and texted another one of her ex’s friends to ask if he had ever heard anything about this. She needed to get some fucking confirmation.

This friend was someone she trusted implicitly. He was probably one of the nicest guys she had ever met. She remembered a time one afternoon, all those years ago when they first met and barley knew each other, he stood up for her against her ex. That entire afternoon her ex had continuously, repeatedly, excessively been calling her bitch “as a joke” (kind of like what’s his name from Breaking Bad). She had just been blocking it out. Ignoring it. But this guy eventually stood up and said, “dude, come on! Stop calling her a bitch!”

It stopped her ex in his tracks. He apologized and tried to laugh it off. He was embarrassed and she was surprised. Grateful to all of a sudden feel seen. She wondered how a great guy like that would be friends with a shitty guy like her ex? He and his lovely and amazing girlfriend are still her very close friends. They even invited her to visit them after she had broken up with her ex, just before Covid hit. She knew that she would get a straight answer from him.

After she texted him, though, she realized that her ex never would have told this friend anything about him cheating. His friend wouldn’t have hesitated to give him shit about it so she figured it was a dead end. Sure enough, he replied to her saying that he hadn’t heard, nor had he ever seen, anything regarding her ex being unfaithful. Still, she knew Carl wouldn’t just be saying that for the sake of saying it.

She knew for a fact that he had made out with a girl from his college when they were living in that small town. Who knows if that’s actually all he did? But she also knew about his porn obsession and all the bullshit he did online. So many sex sites and porn and chatting with other girls and… ugh. That could fill an entirely different chapter… (And this is just the stuff he actually told her about! Who knows what else he did?) If he was capable of all of that, of course he was capable of sleeping with other women too.

She wasn’t hurt. She was angry. While she had been waiting for her confirmation reply, she had gone in to the grocery store. She stood there in the coffee aisle, staring at her chosen brand of coffee. She kept looking at the price. The tag read: “Sale! Was – $15.99. NOW $12.99!” She stared at the tag. She stared at this small bag of ground coffee. She thought to herself, Why the fuck am I still drinking this expensive ass coffee?! She knew it was because that’s what her ex drank. That was the coffee that he had deemed the best. And for the last fucking year, she had still been paying this ridiculous fucking price for this stupid, bougie, ex-boyfriend fucking coffee!! Her blood boiled and her face got hot in her mask. She grabbed the closest, cheapest (yet not gross) brand of coffee there. Thank you, Nabob – $6.99.

She stormed back to her car and sat fuming behind the wheel. She took several deep breaths and actively attempted to use her mindfulness tools that she had learned in therapy. Eventually, she was able to bring herself down and level herself out. Then all of a sudden, her anger shifted into indifference. She realized, at this point, what would be the benefit of staying angry about this? She had already ended the relationship. She was doing incredible in her life. And she was happy. The only thing being angry about this would do is make her miserable and then, he would once again have control over her.

Fuck. That.

She took one last deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth, and she let it go. She was glad to have found out, and had enjoyed her afternoon with Carl (aside from this part of their conversation). But she knew it would be too difficult for her to really maintain any kind of relationship with him, platonic or otherwise. She would just be continuously reminded of her ex. Now she was filled with the anxiety of what she would tell Carl if and when he asked her to hang out again. Awesome, she thought as she started her car and drove home.

Continue to Chapter Thirty Eight