After the whole Chad debacle, she ended up hiding all her dating profiles. What was the point of chatting with guys at that time anyways? Every other week they were going in to another lockdown. The opportunities to actually get out and go on real dates were not presenting themselves to her, so why keep chatting mindlessly with guys when there was no possibility for it to go anywhere?
She went a few weeks without her dating apps, and she felt rejuvenated. However, it was then that her co-worker tested positive for Covid. Fortunately, it was a mild case and her co-worker is back in good health. But at the time, every employee who had come in close contact with that person was put on 14-day isolation and required to get tested twice during that time. Fortunately, again, everyone else tested negative and there was no outbreak at her place of employment. A true Covid fairy tale, if you really think about it.
So, after having tried so hard to break free from online dating, she was now presented with two full weeks of nothing but time and boredom. What else was she to do but un-hide her profiles?
She chatted with a few guys here and there. Nothing special, no sparks. But then she matched with a sort of cute guy on Bumble. We’ll call him Billy-Bob (you’ll understand why later). He had a shaved head (not bald, shaved), some decent scruff, and a cute enough face. What she found really intriguing about this guy, though, was that she and he had so many similarities in the way they conversed online. Like her, this guy was all about the long, elaborate paragraphs. He corrected his typos immediately, just like her. And he was very forthcoming about wanting to start a family. A real over-sharer, one might say. Exactly like her.
Throughout those long, run on paragraphs, however, she did get the impression that this guy was kind of a weenie. But because of their similarities, and her efforts to try to explore outside her “type” (because clearly her typical choices in men were severely lacking), she talked herself in to getting to know him better and tried not to let minor annoyances deter her from giving him a chance.
They only talked for a day before he asked if she wanted to meet up. At that point, her required isolation would have been up in 3 days, and she had already received her second negative Covid test. So, she decided that she felt comfortable breaking quarantine to go for a socially distanced walk with him.
At first he suggested going somewhere closer to her end of town, which was not an option . With her luck, they would run in to someone she knew – or worse, someone who knows her parents – and she would then have been forced to explain who this stranger was that she was with. Everyone knows everyone where she lives. Not only did she not want people knowing she was “dating” during a pandemic, she also didn’t want anything getting back to her parents. Until she got really, REALLY, serious with someone, she wanted those parts of her life kept completely separate.
For some reason, that concept was difficult for Billy-Bob to understand. He kept arguing with her and putting words in her mouth, saying she was embarrassed to be seen with him and that it was dumb to be worried about something like that. After a little back and forth, he finally withdrew and said, “okay, I can respect that.” Oh can you, now? Because based on the last 10 minutes of heated discussion, it doesn’t seem like you can. Red Flag #1, which she ignored (obvs).
So after they agreed not to meet near her place, she suggested they meet at a neutral location downtown. He agreed, but then went on a 20-minute tangent about not wanting to park downtown. “It’s so hard to navigate down there. There’s never any parking. What if it’s not free on the weekends? Are we meeting at this parking lot? What entrance are you talking about?”
To clarify, they had decided to go for a walk around a popular downtown park. The entrance she meant was the entrance directly in front of the parking lot they had agreed to meet at. Why he insisted they park in the same parking lot, she was never sure. What difference did it make where she parked, as long as they met up at the right spot??
By the time they had sorted that out, she was mentally exhausted. She told him how ridiculous that exchange was, and he agreed. Except he made it seem like she was the one who had made it so difficult because she had refused to allow him to meet her near her house. When in reality, he was the idiot who didn’t know how to drive or park downtown. Red Flag #2. Even still, she kept her plans with him to meet the next day. Apparently after two weeks of forced isolation, cooped up with her parents, she was willing to overlook a few things if it meant she could leave the house.
It was a Saturday. She drove downtown and found a parking spot no problem. After she parked, she checked her phone. He had messaged her three times telling her he was parked directly in front of the strip club that faced this parking lot. Truly. He mentioned it t-h-r-e-e times. Who the fuck cares that you’re parked near the strip club?! Get out of your car and wait for me, no??
She walked towards the strip club and saw his shaved head in the driver’s side of an old jalopy. Don’t even ask what kind of vehicle it was – it was a shit-box, that’s all she knew. He spotted her and got out of his car. As soon as she saw him in person, she immediately regretted her decision.
This guy looked NOTHING like his pictures. Well no, he did. But it was clear that those photos were a decade old, at least! The cute guy with light scruff that she thought she was meeting, turned out to be a chubby, prickly, frumpy potato man, dressed in sweat pants and a stained zip-up hoodie. Think Shawn Desman if he let himself go. He went to hug her hello. Thank fuck for pandemic protocols – “Sorry, no hugs. Covid.”
The night before, when Billy-Bob had suggested they go for a walk, he also suggested they smoke a joint together. She was all for smoking joints, but was not down for sharing germs with this stranger. In the midst of getting dressed, she grabbed her phone and ordered 2 pre-rolls from a pot shop near where they were meeting. After they exchanged hello’s, they walked in that direction, but he didn’t walk beside her. He kept walking behind her. If there were other people coming down the side walk from the other direction, she would have understood. But even when no one was around, he ended up behind her. WTF man?? How can you hold a conversation like that!?
As they approached the pot shop, she began putting on her mask. “Aw, don’t tell me you’re one of those!” he exclaimed. “We’re outside! You don’t need to wear your stupid mask outside!” She stopped at looked at him blankly, wondering if he was actually serious. Then she gestured vaguely to the left to indicate that, ta-da, they had arrived at their destination. She was just putting the mask on when she interacted with the employee at the curbside window. But even still, relax please!
If she wanted to wear her damn mask downtown, where there were still plenty of people around, she would! In fact, she probably should have worn it the entire time she was on her date! She didn’t know Billy-Bob! How did she know for sure he wouldn’t infect her?? Fuck off with your “don’t wear your mask outside” bullshit! She was ready to call it right then and there. If only she hadn’t been conditioned by society her entire life to be unquestionably nice all the god damn time.
She grabbed the weed and they headed towards the park, which was boppin’. People exercising and doing Yoga in the grass, people walking their dogs, families with kids riding their bikes. Most wearing masks, and most properly distanced. They found a bench under some trees, decently separated from others. Thankfully there was enough space that she could sit somewhat far away from him. She pulled out the pre-rolls and handed him one. He was surprised when she gave him his. “Oh, are you treating? I’ll have to get you next time!” he said. “Next time, yeah right!” she thought. They lit up, and so began the seemingly endless conversation about nothing.
He went on and on about how he worked for the government, how he was making all this money and was saving up to move out to the country. She was unimpressed. They live in a government town. Everyone works for the government. Also, if you’re making all this money, you could afford a clean hoodie. Or, gasp, maybe even just a nice long-sleeved shirt?! Then they got on to politics.
“I’m not big on politics,” he began. “But Trudeau this, Trudeau that…” And really, regardless of anyone’s feelings about Justin Trudeau, starting an argument about the Prime Minister is not ideal first date conversation. Then he got on to Trump. “I don’t know how those Americans could vote that old geezer, Biden, in. Who would vote for someone who’s about to die? He’s fucking up that country. I don’t care what you think about Donald Trump, he’d do a better job at running the country than Biden is,” he ranted. Red Flag number fucking three.
She tried to have a civilized discourse about this, more to clarify if he even really knew what he was talking about. But once he started talking about how Biden’s son had had drug problems, but that none of the Trump kids had ever done anything illegal (For real. He actually said those words), she knew he was just some hillbilly with an iPhone who got all his information from Fox news. Hence the nickname, Billy-Bob.
Finally, he said his stomach was grumbling and that he was hungry. She took that as an opportunity to get up and walk again, and to hopefully find a way to end this date early. As they began walking back towards the downtown core where all the restaurants were, she texted her friends in the group chat saying, “Help! This guy sssuuuccckkkkssss”, and asked for ideas of how to get out of there quickly. It was almost unanimous among them, “Tell him you got your period!” She tried not to laugh out loud.
As they approached a restaurant with a curbside menu, he suggested they split something. She told him she wasn’t hungry but was fine if he wanted to eat. It was like they were deciding where to park and meet up again. This guy could not make a decision to save his life! “Actually, do you think we could look for a bathroom?” she blurted out. That was it. She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get out of there, and Lady Problems were her only exit strategy.
They headed towards the McDonald’s that was always open; the place where she had spent many a drunken night after the bars in her younger days. The doors were locked. Open for delivery only. Then they checked the mall. All doors locked. Open for curbside pickup only. Gotta love lockdown, right?? “Can you hold it?” he asked obliviously. “Actually,” she began. “I’m pretty sure I just got my period. I don’t have my purse with me, so I’m unprepared. And with no bathrooms available, I think I have to cut this short…” “Oh damn! Yeah, okay. No problem!” he replied. Men are such gullible idiots.
They raced back towards the parking lot. She, leading the way because apparently Billy-Bob has a hard time walking next to people?? So weird. “Well, hey, maybe next time we could – ” She cut him off. “Okay thanks! Nice to meet you!” she shouted as she hurried away from him and got into her car. She texted her friends, “Did it! Heading home now, I’ll fill you in then lol”, as she hit reverse and got the hell out of there.
All she could do was laugh at how ridiculous that date was. As she got closer to home, she realized she hadn’t been gone that long. Her parents would have wondered why she was home so early after having lied and told them she was out helping her co-worker who had just moved in to a new place. So instead of going home, she picked up an almond milk iced coffee from Tim Hortons and headed towards some wooded trails close to her house. She grabbed the rest of her pre-roll that she hadn’t finished, took her iced coffee, and went to sit among the trees to relax, get stoned, and release all that weird date energy.
The perfect way to salvage what was actually a really beautiful Saturday afternoon.