Over several weeks, there had been a lull in her dating life. Guys on dating apps had been more annoying than usual, and her FWB had been super busy… She was getting bored. And in case no one’s guessed yet, she liked attention.
She had always liked attention. She was loud. She was fairly outspoken (which had definitely led to her saying the wrong thing more than once in her life). But she loved when people noticed her. When people liked her. It used to be because she didn’t like herself, so people’s approval meant everything.
We’ve already touched on this in earlier chapters, but way-back-when, she used to think that even though she was fat and ugly and unlovable in any kind of romantic or sexual way, at least she was funny and had a good personality. It was those qualities that made her stand out. She thrived off the attention and validation she received from others because it filled the hole in her heart where her confidence and self worth should have been.
That’s why, on the rare occasions that a guy paid attention to her, she went head first into it and hoped like hell she didn’t fuck it up and scare him away. She could be whatever he wanted her to be. Whoever he wanted her to be. As long as he kept paying attention to her. His validation was what made her worthy. How sad is that?
Now though, she had filled that hole in her heart on her own. She had left her bad relationship, she had moved back in with her parents to get herself back on her feet, she had worked hard on herself both internally and externally, and she had been able to change her life in so many incredible ways. She took her life in to her own hands and it was that pride she now had in herself which finally made her feel worthy enough not to need a man’s approval.
So why, then, was she still OBSESSED with getting attention from guys? If she knew she didn’t need a man, why could she not get off these dating apps? Why did she still get so hooked when she had a crush? Why couldn’t she just take things as they came and not be completely consumed over why a guy hadn’t texted her back?
Because she’s a god damn attention whore, that’s why!
She liked being adored, and desired, and complimented and fantasized about. She felt sexy knowing a guy wanted her. It turned her on. But it was starting to feel like an addiction. She felt like she couldn’t go five seconds without checking her phone for some kind of notification from literally any male on the internet giving her the attention she so craved.
How could she stop that? Logically, she should have just deleted her dating apps. But she didn’t want to because she knew she did still want to find someone to be with eventually. Not necessarily anything serious right away, but you can’t catch a fish if you don’t cast a line, right?? That was a stupid analogy, but you get the point.
This overwhelming need for attention rarely played out in a cute way. The last thing she wanted was to come off as needy or clingy or anything crazy. But that’s how it seemed to guys. They thought she wanted *them* specifically. Like they’re so fucking wonderful!? But no. It wasn’t even really about these guys as people, it was about what they gave her – the dopamine rush from being adored.
If she had learned anything throughout a year of lockdown dating, it was that guys are a dime a dozen. If one conversation ended, another one picked up literally right away. But it’s the guys that make you feel that little extra oomph; those are the ones that trip you up.
Because yes, in those cases, it was about more than just the attention she got from them. Sometimes she actually liked the guy as a person and just genuinely wanted to spend time with them. These “extra oomph” guys still aren’t that special, but they’re just special enough to put her obsessive brain in to overdrive. At times, it felt like she had to fight every urge in her body not to full on call the guy! (Which of course she would never do, let’s be real. Only psychos like to talk on the phone… coughcoughChadcoughcough).
She wondered if anyone else felt that way? How do other people curb their attention cravings? Why did she still feel like she needed it so badly? Was she making up for all the years she yearned for male attention and didn’t get it? Was she still subconsciously striving for their approval? Or was she even more subconsciously just still looking for “the one”?
A few days went by since her spiral down the attention seeking rabbit hole. In that time, she had begun messaging with a guy she had chatted with during the early days of quarantine. He asked her to meet up that coming weekend. It likely would be just another hook up, but the attention she had been craving was being fulfilled. In the same week, however, she had also surprisingly secured plans with Kyle for the day after this date.
When the weekend came, she woke up Saturday morning to two sexy texts from Kyle making a good case to go over to his place that day instead of the Sunday. She debated it in her head but thought, “good sex with a friend is better than awkward small talk with a stranger”. Plus, isn’t that the whole point of Friends with Benefits; to hook up with the person you know, rather than continuous strangers? She told Kyle she would be over in the early afternoon, and rescheduled her date with the other guy for the Sunday, instead.
When she went over to Kyle’s, they fooled around as soon as she got there. It definitely did not go on as long as previous encounters they’d had, but it was good. However, he had basically been partying non-stop since she had last seen him on Canada Day, as one does in their 20’s, so he was pretty tired. In fact, the texts he had sent her asking her to come over were both sent between 4:30am and 6:30am. She should have expected him to be exhausted.
They cuddled for a little bit, but not surprisingly, he fell asleep. Meanwhile, she just lay there, wide awake, secured tightly in his arms. She was a bit annoyed at first, but she realized that she actually really enjoyed the intimacy of it all. She rested with him for a while, but eventually readjusted herself and turned on the tv, waking Kyle up in the process.
He apologized for being so tired, but at that point she genuinely didn’t mind. She was happy to be there instead of stuck at home, and she was going out to her friend’s place later that night anyways, so it’s not like it was a wasted day. She told him to go back to sleep, and gently tickled his arms and chest to help him relax, as she turned on Netflix and began watching a movie.
Eventually, it was time for her to get ready to go. He was already several hours late for the plans he had for that evening as well. She got dressed and fixed her hair and face. She told him that he owed her some hot, rough, sex the next time they got together, and he nodded yes before kissing her forcefully at the front door. A kiss that reminded her of what she loved about their little trysts.
When she left, she had a new outlook on her whole FWB/dating situation. She didn’t feel that neediness anymore. Granted, she had just gotten the attention she had been craving, but she also kind of hadn’t? He wasn’t fawning all over her, he was friggin’ sleeping the whole time.
She went on to have a lovely evening with her friends, but woke up the next day knowing she had zero intentions of seeing this other guy. Even though this guy had given her more attention than Kyle had over the last couple weeks, she just all of a sudden didn’t care about it. About any of it, from anyone. It had occurred to her that a lot of her feelings were really just hormones.
After having been off birth control for a few years (she stopped when she and her ex were trying to have kids, before she knew about her fertility issues), she had become fairly in tuned with her natural cycle. She knew that she was always crazy horny two weeks before her period. The week before her period was when she was moody and PMS-y, the week of her period was, well, you all know. And then the week after her period was her sane week.
All those needy, attention seeking feelings occurred during her crazy horny week. Her hormones were all over the place and she realized she had been overthinking everything. She really wanted to get back to her “It is what it is” attitude. She vowed that she wouldn’t text Kyle again. If he messaged her, awesome. But she was done chasing after him. She was done chasing after anyone, for that matter. If a guy wanted to meet up with her, he would ask and he would make it happen.
In the meantime, she was going to get back to herself. Back to working out regularly, back to making plans with her friends with no regard for whether or not she might hear from some guy… She needed herself to become her priority again. Then, whenever she did get some attention from a guy, it would feel even sweeter.
Continue to Chapter Fifty Four