I’ve recently discovered that I have ADHD. It occurred to me while I was watching a celebrity’s Instagram story. She was speaking candidly about her ADHD tendencies, and she carried that dialogue on to her podcast. So much of what she was describing pertained to my own life experiences. I began researching ADHD in women, and was shocked to find how many symptoms resonated with me.
Never once in my 30 something years on this earth had it ever occurred to me that I could have ADHD. I always thought of it as only hyper physical activity. My younger male cousin was diagnosed with it as a child. He was constantly bouncing off the walls, running around, never stopped moving and never shut up. Yes, I could be chatty – ask any one of my elementary or high school teachers – but I was never hyperactive like that. The most I’d ever thought of myself and my odd tendencies was that I was just quirky. Creative. A right brained, emotional Cancer with a lot to say. Could all my “quirks” actually be symptoms of ADHD?
I made an appointment with my doctor in early July 2023. In our 15-minute conversation, she felt she could say with certainty that I do in fact have ADHD. However, she informed me that as a General Practitioner, she couldn’t provide me with an official diagnosis. If I wanted to obtain one, which would provide me with certified documentation, I would have to see a psychologist and pay upwards of $2,000. No thank you.
She then suggested an online counselling program called Frida, which would cost something closer to $600. Significantly cheaper, yes, but I still don’t have that kind of money to shell out for a piece of paper. (I later learned that Frida also offers online therapy and assistance in navigating your diagnosis. Still, though, I just can’t afford that right now.)
Fortunately, my doctor has been my GP since I was a child. She knows my history and she knows me. She said she felt comfortable prescribing me with one month’s worth of a medication called Vyvanse, and that we could reconvene to see how I felt after taking it. Before she did so, however, she first wanted me to take home some ADHD literature, along with a short quiz to see if I did, in fact, fall within the parameters of an ADHD diagnosis. We scheduled a follow up appointment two weeks from then.
When I got home, I read through the information my doctor had provided me, and I completed the quiz. There were only two symptoms out of twelve that did not resonate with me. I was shocked to see it all on paper. My entire chaotic life staring me back in the face.
All those years of thriving in clutter and chaos, of not being able to stick to a budget, of being impulsive and emotional and anxious and depressed. Feeling such little self-worth and constantly experiencing joyous, euphoric highs, but equally heart breaking and gut-wrenching lows. These feelings and examples can apply to any number of people for any number of reasons – society alone plays an overwhelming part in all of that – but the extremity of it all, for me, now had a real root cause.
A glimmer of hope shone through as I realized this could be the beginning of a whole new chapter for me. One in which I don’t feel depressed and ashamed and scattered and frantic all the time. One where I might be able to put into practice all my well-intentioned ideas and efforts for my future and my life. Would this be the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for?
The two weeks passed, and I returned to see my doctor. It was actually my doctor’s resident I met with this time. In typical ADHD fashion, I forgot to bring the quiz back with me. The resident gave me another quiz and I filled it out again. We then discussed my options. She confirmed that she was authorized to prescribe me with a month’s worth of Vyvanse, but asked if I had read the information I had been provided, and if I was sure I wanted to try this medication. I had and I was. She then sent in an e-prescription to my pharmacy, and I left the appointment feeling even more hopeful.
After resolving some issues with my pharmacy, I was finally able to get my prescription filled three weeks after my appointment. First the medication was on backorder, then the pharmacy just didn’t call me for two weeks. When I finally was able to start it, it was the week I was going away on vacation. I went back and forth with myself debating whether I should start it that week, or wait until I got back. It’s not like I really needed to focus on anything while I was away. Ultimately, though, I did decide to start taking it so that I could get it into my system and hopefully start seeing a change by the time I came home.
The prescription said to start with one 20mg pill per day, in the morning. After two weeks, it said to double up and start on 40mg. I started the pills on the Tuesday of the week I was going on vacation, and left that Friday. I was away for ten days, and the entire time I didn’t really notice a difference in myself.
My first day back at work, however, was day one of starting on the 40mg. Holy. Hell. What a change! I can’t remember a time I had ever been so productive. I had almost two weeks’ worth of work to catch up on, and I was back on track by mid-week. That was the main thing I noticed first, that I was laser focused. By the end of the first week on the 40’s, I also noticed an uptick in how much water I had been drinking. Specifically, because I was constantly waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I realized my mouth was often very dry, and noted that as one of the side effects I was experiencing.
That weekend, I had been invited to a friend’s house to celebrate her husband’s birthday. My diet (though it’s not a “diet” per se, just my food preferences) is already a lot different than that of my friends. They had burgers and sausages and all sorts of things prepared for the BBQ, and I brought my little chicken burger for myself. There were tons of delicious sides, and I was excited for the meal. However, when all was said and done, I ate my chicken burger without a bun, and only nibbled on a few sides before I was full. That’s when it occurred to me that the Vyvanse was hindering my appetite.
I thought back to what I had eaten all week, and though I was definitely eating three meals a day, I realized that I hadn’t snacked in bed since before I went away on my vacation. This was a huge win for me. If you’re up to date on the blog you’ll know, I had lost a bunch of weight throughout the pandemic. While I was still doing well keeping it off, some of my bad eating habits had been pretty hard to break. Snacking in bed being one of them.
I was overjoyed that this might be the start of me really getting my few remaining unhealthy eating habits under control. While I’m aware that Vyvanse is an amphetamine which is why it was curbing my appetite, I also know that I am an emotional eater who eats when I’m bored, and I realized that I hadn’t felt that feeling of boredom in some time. That feeling of like, an infinite void that needs to be filled, and only food can satiate it.
I know it’s a chemical thing because of the medication, but I felt, in my own unprofessional medical opinion, that my brain was sort of being re-wired to no longer have that feeling of emptiness. I made a mental note to ensure I would continue to eat my three meals a day, whether I felt hungry or not, so as not to fall into any disordered eating patterns.
The following week was about the same, however that weekend (so almost two weeks of being on 40mg, and almost a full month total of being medicated), I went away to a friend’s cottage. I had taken the Friday off of work, and after I was packed and ready, I was sitting in the living room chatting with my mom. She asked me if everything was okay. I confirmed that things were better than okay, and began to tell her how I was feeling being on Vyvanse.
Her face lit up as she expressed her relief to understand why I had been acting so differently all week. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but she went on to explain that for that entire week she had thought I was mad at her. I had been going up to my room earlier than usual, I was more reserved, and I wasn’t constantly chatting her ear off. It blew her mind to realize that my medication had noticeably altered my behaviour that much. I wasn’t “buzzing” anymore, she said. I was stunned to find out she had noticed such a difference in me. I assured her that nothing was wrong, and thanked her for giving me some outside feedback.
Later that night at the cottage, as we kept warm and dry sitting around the patio table under the gazebo, I confided in my two girlfriends that I had started Vyvanse. In almost complete unison they both reacted as if a lightbulb had gone on in both their heads. They then each expressed how they had noticed a significant difference in me at the BBQ the weekend before. Nothing bad, they said, but they noticed I had been quieter. They said I still seemed happy, and not that anything seemed wrong, but that there were sometimes lulls in conversation throughout that night, for example, that usually would have been filled with me talking. “In a good way!”, they clarified.
Once more, I was shocked that the people around me had observed such a drastic difference. I truly hadn’t realized that my behaviour had changed that significantly. Except then I began to notice even that night that I was more quiet than I usually would have been. Again, not that anything was wrong, I just didn’t feel a need to add too much to the conversations that were being had. I was more intent on listening.
That weekend I also noticed a significant decrease in my alcohol consumption. I’ve mentioned this in previous blog chapters, that even before starting on Vyvanse I had been consciously trying to slow down on drinking. Booze had never done me any favours, and I was over that feeling of shame and guilt from doing stupid things. I also definitely could no longer handle the 2-3 day hangovers I had grown accustomed to. Now, however, even just casual drinking, with no intent of drinking to get drunk, was of little interest to me. I can equate it to that feeling of, y’know when you’re full? And the thought of taking that last bite will just send you over the edge? It was sort of like that.
In addition to the drinking, back in June I had also decided to slow down on smoking weed. That was about the time it had occurred to me that I might have ADHD, and I was noticing that the weed wasn’t serving me as it used to. I would smoke it at night to help me sleep, but over the last several months or so (maybe year, even?), I realized that it was the weed that was causing my nighttime anxiety, and was doing the complete opposite of what I was intending it to.
So that cottage weekend, being on the 40mg of Vyvanse, I barely drank, and the one time I took a single toke of someone’s joint I felt the head rush and the high immediately, and an overwhelming wave of instant anxiety. That pretty much sealed the deal for me that weed just isn’t for me anymore. I’ll admit, though, I did bring some hash with me that weekend. The body buzz was exactly what I had hoped for to chill me out by the fire. Can’t give up all external pleasures, right?
Driving home from the cottage that Sunday, I was reminiscing about the fun we had just had over the last two days, and was doing some self-reflection. It was then that it hit me that I really hadn’t experienced my typical level of joy or excitement. I had definitely had fun and enjoyed myself, but I realized that my emotions had sort of plateaued. I’m usually a very excitable and enthusiastic person, but I hadn’t been that weekend. I had felt sort of flat, but only realized it afterwards.
At the same time, I realized that I hadn’t felt my typical lows lately, either. When I get sad or anxious, there’s no hiding it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I feel a negative emotion, it’s all consuming. But I hadn’t felt like that in a while, either. No complaints on that end. The lows I’ve felt in my life were oftentimes very dark and lonely, so it would be a relief to not ever get to that point again. On the other hand, though, I really didn’t want to lose my joy.
Fortunately, my follow up appointment with my doctor was the next day, and I could talk all this out with her then. When I arrived for my appointment, I was left in the examination room for about ten minutes before my doctor came in. When she did, she didn’t ask me about how I was feeling, she immediately started talking to me about my work, and life in general. I was thrown off, but I answered her questions nonetheless. It was only a few minutes into our conversation that I realized she was likely gauging my speech pattern. Seeing if I was still talking a mile a minute, and observing my general behaviour.
When we finally got down to what I was there for, I told her all about the side effects I had been experiencing, both positive and negative, and I mentioned how I had been feeling emotionally flat. She confirmed that that was one of the main side effects for all ADHD medication, and we agreed that it would be a good idea to reduce me from 40mg to 30mg. She told me to use the 30’s during the week, but to keep the rest of the 20’s I had for weekends when I wouldn’t need a high dose. This would allow me to still function without noticing a significant change in how I would feel. She submitted the e-prescription and, fortunately, my pharmacy was more on the ball this time and I was able to pick up the new dosage the next day.
That first week on the 30mg dose seemed like any other week. I wasn’t as productive as I had been on the 40’s, but work was also slower that week so there was less to do. I had no plans that weekend, so I was thinking about not taking the 20mg pills like my doctor had suggested, because what would I need them for if I was just doing nothing at home? Saturday, however, I did end up having things to do, so I took a 20mg and had a great day. Got a lot done around the house, went for a hike with the dog, was feelin’ good. Then Sunday I had literally nothing whatsoever to do, so I decided to skip it.
At my initial appointment with my doctor, she had told me that Vyvanse was a medication that did not need weaning off of. She said people can just stop taking it and there were minimal withdrawal side effects. It was for that reason that I thought a “medication vacation” would be fine for one day. However, as the day progressed, I felt myself feeling anxious. Restless. Uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt sad for no reason, and the emotional boredom void had come back in full force. I ate literally anything and everything in sight that day, which just increased my anxiety and depression, and re-introduced the self-loathing I hadn’t felt in a while. I thought this was all because I had nothing to do and I was just bored, but I realized that evening that it was because I hadn’t taken the meds that day.
I was so surprised by how immediate and intense all these old, negative feelings and habits were. Lesson learned, I guess. No medication vacations for me. I’d rather be medicated every day for the rest of my life than feel so terrible about myself ever again. I’ve done three decades of that, I’m good.
Aside from all these noticeable side effects, both good and bad, I wanted to find out more about this new identity I was shifting in to as someone with ADHD, as well as learn more about Vyvanse and its affects. I first started researching the effects of Cannabis on people with ADHD.
I was surprised, yet not, to discover studies have shown that more than half of daily Cannabis users have ADHD. I’m sure most of you know the effects that weed has on the body. However, if you’re one of the few people on the planet who’ve never tried it, Cannabis, while often providing a fun, giddy, all-consuming positive feeling, can also decrease motivation and impair memory, as well as hinder executive motor functions. It can also increase disorders such as paranoia, anxiety and depression. Additionally, I found out, it further impairs areas and functions of the brain that are uniquely impaired by ADHD.
Like most stoners, I started smoking weed in my teens. I was about 17, I’d say, when I started, and had smoked fairly regularly ever since. I knew that pot’s negative effects are most harmful on young, developing brains, but I wasn’t aware that people with ADHD, whose brain development is already delayed by slowly maturing frontal lobes, are thus more vulnerable to the effects on neuronal connections. Basically, I was already at a neurological disadvantage, and I made it worse by self-medicating with weed all those years. Well fuck!
I was down the rabbit hole now, and next started looking in to ADHD and dating. What sparked this whole ADHD journey for me in the first place was hearing about the actress with ADHD talk about her dating life. She was recently divorced, and was starting on the dating apps. She quickly realized that they were a bad idea for her because she knew that she would hyper fixate on a person and would undoubtedly be left heartbroken over and over and over again.
At the time, I had never even really heard the term “hyper fixate”, but alarm bells went off in my head because that is 100% what I do. I cling to anyone who pays me the slightest bit of attention, and then I’m left bewildered and devastated when they inevitably ghost me or things just don’t work out.
One article I found talked about how dating apps, at first, can often be an ADHD brain’s ideal activity as every swipe and new match triggers a burst of dopamine. Then all of a sudden you have dozens of new matches, multiple conversations going on simultaneously, and several dates lined up in one week. When I read that my jaw dropped because that is literally the exact dating app pattern I fell in to when I first became single. In the 3+ years since, I’ve learned to curb my matches and conversations so I don’t feel overwhelmed, but damn! That hit it right on the nose for me.
It then went on to explain that while that pattern can occur for anyone, it’s amplified in the ADHD brain. Specifically, in regard to an ADHD brain’s inability to focus. It said that dating apps reward distractibility, and when a person with a short attention span is spread too thin, it can be difficult to be fully present for one person or match. Then the cycle of desperately wanting to be in a relationship, yet at the same time wanting to lean in to the stimulation of serial dating, just continues to repeat.
Again, reading that blew my mind because that is exactly how I feel. I dated someone at the end of last year for about 4 months (see Chapters 72 through 76). On paper he was everything I could have ever wanted from a potential relationship, except the entire time I kept feeling like there was something missing. I know that some of that had to do with some minor sexual incompatibility, but I realized after reading that article that it also had to do with me not wanting to settle down, or take myself off the market. The lure of other new and exciting encounters was always running in the back of my mind. And while the dating pool is undoubtedly polluted with narcissists and fuck boys, I realized me not being in a relationship also has to do with my constant craving for that next dopamine hit.
The article stated that the rush of dopamine is also a cause for the hyper fixation ADHD brains experience. Matching with someone gives you the rush of knowing someone is interested in you, then once a connection begins to build, you’re hooked. It continued on to explain how it’s extremely difficult for a person with ADHD to move slowly in a relationship because their brains are just so delighted by the way a new relationship makes them feel.
Another “Aha” moment for me there because I felt that that explained a bit more as to why I allowed my ex and that terrible, toxic relationship to move forward as quickly as it did. My ex is the dictionary definition of a Narcissist, and he love bombed the shit out of me when we first met. I didn’t have the language to express that at the time, but that’s definitely what happened. And so, my naïve little ADHD brain was thus overjoyed at all the attention, validation and reassurance he gave me.
I feel like that also explains why I ignored all the blinding red flags he presented. He would tear me down and the fantasy bubble in my brain would burst, but then he would love bomb me again and I was sucked right back in. On one hand I felt frustrated to have realized this after the fact. I think about all the heartache I could have avoided had I been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, so I might have been better prepared for someone like my ex. On the other hand, it’s a bit of a relief to know that that entire time in my life wasn’t just me being desperate and stupid. It was literally a neurological disorder hindering me from making fully informed choices.
That article led me to another ADHD related piece on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). I had never heard that term before, but my god, I was flabbergasted after reading up on it. The article explained that RSD is when a person experiences severe emotional pain because of a failure, or from feeling rejected. Experts suspect that it happens due to the ADHD brain’s inability to regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviours, making those feelings much more intense.
According to this article, research has shown that Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD brains is similar to another disorder called Rejection Sensitivity, but there is one key difference. Both disorders involve the brain’s inability to properly regulate its own emotional signals. Emotions then become too big to manage, causing feelings of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Both conditions can also cause severe feelings of anxiety before an anticipated rejection, as well as overreactions to feelings of rejection which can lead to anger, rage, extreme sadness and extreme anxiety. The Dysphoria part of RSD, however, can bring on feelings of intense and overwhelming emotional pain.
That emotional pain is so powerful that it’s difficult for a person with ADHD/RSD to even describe. However, it demonstrates in behaviours such as being easily embarrassed or self-conscious, as well as having extremely low self-esteem. It is also often difficult to contain one’s emotions to any perceived rejection, resulting in rage in some people, or uncontrollable tears in others (me). In an effort to control these uncontrollable emotions, people with ADHD/RSD may turn their feelings inwards, which could look like a snap onset of severe depression. They’re also often “people pleasers” and become intensely focused on avoiding disapproval from others.
The day I read all that, I sat on my bed and cried and cried and cried. Never had I ever been able to articulate exactly how I felt, and this article had done just that. I now understood why, growing up, I had always hated myself so severely. Societal influences aside, it now made sense why I was constantly striving for people’s approval. Trying to be the best version of whatever person I perceived that they wanted me to be, while at the same time just utterly loathing myself and wondering why or how anyone could ever care about or like me. It made me realize, too, why I would constantly be thinking that my friends and family were mad at me. Did I say the wrong thing? Am I being annoying? Did I do something wrong?
It also explained why I had molded myself into some stranger of a person to suit my ex’s expectations, and made sense of why I’ve always been overly emotional. How, when I would get sad, it would manifest as severe, dark, end-of-the-world depression. This realization was extremely overwhelming, but it was also a relief. It felt like the scattered puzzle pieces of my life were finally coming together and falling into place.
After all that research, I was then led towards treatments and medications. A quick Google search of Vyvanse showed me that this medication works by altering the balance of chemicals in the brain by increasing its norepinephrine and dopamine levels. I already knew that dopamine was a natural occurring substance in the brain that stimulates feelings of pleasure. While norepinephrine, I read, is a stimulant that helps you stay awake, pay attention, and think clearly.
If taken properly, Vyvanse has helped thousands of people with ADHD overcome their struggles and live happy, productive lives. Its effects on the ADHD brain have proven to increase energy and focus, while decreasing feelings of anxiety and irritability, as well as excessive talking. It also, as I mentioned experiencing, decreases the need for food and sleep. Some other side effects listed which I had also already experienced were dry mouth, and over heating/sweating. It was both surprising and hilarious, though, to read that Vyvanse has also been reported to cause hypersexuality; an excessive preoccupation with sexual thoughts, urges and behaviours. And here I thought I was just texting fuck boys because I was ovulating!
Even though I’ve yammered on about this for ages now, I still cannot properly express the overwhelming relief I feel to have realized that I have this disorder. Growing up, I remember there being such a stigma on ADHD or ADD, and I’m so happy that the mental health conversation in society has come around to a more positive and productive place. Finding this out about myself has been, and continues to be, such a blessing. Knowing why I think and behave the way I do has made me a happier, more complete version of myself.
I’m grateful to my doctor for being so receptive to my suggestion that I could have it, and for working with me to adjust my medication to a dosage that suits me perfectly. Though at the time of writing this I’ve only been on this new dosage for a couple weeks, I no longer feel that emotional flatness that I had felt on the higher dose. Yet I still feel the positive changes of it like being better able to focus, and not feeling that constant brain fog, or severe feelings of self-loathing and depression I had become so accustomed to.
I’m optimistic that this will also have a positive effect on my dating life. I’m looking forward to being able to regulate my emotions and feelings, and I feel like I am now better suited and more open to actually finding someone to share my life with. This time, whenever I do get into another relationship, I’ll do it as the real me. Not as the person I think my partner wants me to be.
If any of this has resonated with you, I lovingly suggest that you talk to your doctor and see if you, too, might have ADHD, or any other kind of mental health disorder. Ignorance is not bliss. The more self aware we are, the better able we are to give ourselves the best possible chance of living happy, healthy and productive lives. There’s no shame in the mental health game. Finding this out about myself has brought me so much peace, and my hope for anyone else struggling with mental health issues is that they can find that same relief for themselves, also.
Now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest, stay tuned for more mis-adventures in dating in the coming weeks. Wednesdays at 8pm, EST.
Sources:
Busy Philipps is Finding Herself
The Damaging Effects of Cannabis on the ADHD Brain
From Love Bombing to Boredom: Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?