Author: LL30s

A week had gone by since her sub-par rendezvous with Kyle. She had definitely slowed down on the dating apps and was less concerned about random male attention. It was for that reason that she hadn’t expected a notification from Bumble. It was a message from a guy she had matched with a little while back. She had sent him a message and he hadn’t replied, until then.

“Do you like pasta?” his message read. What a dumb question, she thought. Who doesn’t love pasta?? “Of course,” she replied. Instant text bubble dots. “Would you like to join me tonight at Rêverie?” (A well-known pasta restaurant downtown. Also not the real name.) She was surprised at the immediate date invitation. She had been used to endless conversations with no in-person meetings. Granted, that was mainly because of Covid restrictions and lockdowns and just, general pandemic life.

It was a Saturday. The only day of rest that she would have for the next several weeks due to her upcoming vacation, as well as several other commitments she had towards the end of the month. She had had zero intention of doing anything that day, but this unexpected and deliciously intriguing invitation had piqued her curiosity, so she agreed to meet up for dinner.

“How’s 9:30pm?” Wtf?, she thought. Was she an old lady for thinking that was an outrageously late hour to eat dinner – especially pasta?! She asked if they could meet earlier and he informed her that that was the time of the reservation, but would be happy to meet earlier for drinks.

She thought about it for a second. Reservation? He had literally just asked her out. Did he already have that reservation? Was she just filling a gap from a previous date that fell through? She half heartedly joked about it, so he explained. He said that he had called to make a reso literally as soon as she had agreed, and that that was the only time slot they had available. She was a little taken aback by how fast he did that, but he had hooked her in with the promise of pasta, so she agreed to meet him at 8:30pm at another bar down the street, then head over for dinner.

Having had no plans to go out, she was looking extra haggard that day. So, she put in a little extra effort and got herself all gussied up. When she headed out to meet him, she was really feeling herself. She drove downtown and found a free parking lot close to the restaurant. She walked down the somewhat bustling, lamp lit street, taking photos of beautiful murals on random buildings she passed along the way.

She arrived for drinks at a small hole in the wall type of establishment. Different sections of different coloured checkerboard flooring led her way in. She saw a man sitting in a booth and waved to him before awkwardly realizing that wasn’t her date. As she turned her head away in embarrassment, she noticed another guy sitting alone at a high top, his back facing the door. He had blonde spiky-ish hair, and was wearing a very loud, floral, collared shirt. Even from behind, she could already tell she wasn’t interested. Fuck.

She walked up to her side of the table and greeted him with an uncomfortable wave. He looked like his eyes could literally jump out of his head. Just wide, wide open. She sat down, and so began her awkward date with a guy she wasn’t in to.

There was nothing actually wrong with this guy. He was smart, well spoken, had a good job, and his own place. He looked really great on paper and was very kind. But he was desperately unfunny, and there was just no chemistry there whatsoever. Also, he held his drink weird. He would pick it up and it was like his wrist would go limp and he had to hold it inward. She worried she was being judgmental and that he maybe had a physical disability she hadn’t noticed in his Bumble pics. But no. Whenever he wasn’t holding his drink, his wrist was completely straight. What a weird way to hold a drink, she thought.

They chatted and made the typical first date pleasantries before finishing up and heading back down the street to Rêverie. The patio had cleared out and there was a calmer vibe there than at the first place. They were quickly seated across from an awesome mural on the restaurant wall, of a giant mouth eating a swirled-up forkful of pasta. She made sure to take a pic of it later when her date went to the bathroom.

The conversation was decent but unexciting. His eyes bulged out at her all night and his awkward drink hand distracted her as they chatted. Her meal was absolutely delicious, but she knew all that cream and cheese would come back on her later. It was worth it though. She loved her some pasta.

They finished their meal and he paid for everything. She had been the one to ask for the bills, and he made sure to say, “just one”. So she did try to pay her share, knowing full well she wouldn’t be seeing him again. She did, however, out of sheer awkwardness and manners, agree to message him when she returned from her vacation. He asked if he could walk her to her car, and she agreed. He hugged her awkwardly and kissed her cheek as they said their goodbyes.

She got in her car and watched him walk away down the street. Even though the guy was a dud, it was nice to be taken out and treated with respect, rather than just meeting up with a guy for a hook up. She was happy she had gone, and felt like she had maybe finally moved on from the sex-only part of dating.

Shortly thereafter, her vacation had finally arrived. She was beyond excited. It had been about 14 years since she had been out west to see her family. And this time was even more exciting because a friend of hers had moved out there a few years prior, and now she was actually able to go visit her!

It was that friend who suggested she keep her dating apps on while she was away. She was going on vacation with her parents to see all her aunts and cousins out there. It didn’t make sense to her to leave her dating apps on because she knew she wouldn’t be able to act on any matches she might have had. Still, her curiosity got the better of her and she agreed to keep them on, just in case.

When she was waiting for her luggage after finally arriving in BC, she cruised her dating apps to see what the selection was like. Holy. Fuck. BC guys are waayyyy hotter than Ontario guys! There’s not even a competition. There must be something in the water out there or something because like.. dang. [Insert fire emoji. Insert drooling emoji]

She immediately matched with a sexy British guy living out in White Rock. Even though he wasn’t native to the province, he definitely belonged there. He was funny and charming and they had great conversation right from the opening line. But once she explained she was on vacation with her family and that it would be hard to meet up, he just completely stopped replying. Which is fair. She knew it was pointless to chat with anyone she matched with, but it was also a serious ego boost whenever she matched with a BC smoke show.

She matched with several other BC hunks over her seven day stay. Some she ended up chatting with more than once, others ghosted her as soon as she turned down their date invites. She carried on, regardless, just enjoying the attention. It wasn’t until several days after returning home that she matched with someone she felt might actually be worth her time… (and who would make more sense connecting with as they lived in the same city)

Continue to Chapter Fifty Five

Over several weeks, there had been a lull in her dating life. Guys on dating apps had been more annoying than usual, and her FWB had been super busy… She was getting bored. And in case no one’s guessed yet, she liked attention.

She had always liked attention. She was loud. She was fairly outspoken (which had definitely led to her saying the wrong thing more than once in her life). But she loved when people noticed her. When people liked her. It used to be because she didn’t like herself, so people’s approval meant everything.

We’ve already touched on this in earlier chapters, but way-back-when, she used to think that even though she was fat and ugly and unlovable in any kind of romantic or sexual way, at least she was funny and had a good personality. It was those qualities that made her stand out. She thrived off the attention and validation she received from others because it filled the hole in her heart where her confidence and self worth should have been.

That’s why, on the rare occasions that a guy paid attention to her, she went head first into it and hoped like hell she didn’t fuck it up and scare him away. She could be whatever he wanted her to be. Whoever he wanted her to be. As long as he kept paying attention to her. His validation was what made her worthy. How sad is that?

Now though, she had filled that hole in her heart on her own. She had left her bad relationship, she had moved back in with her parents to get herself back on her feet, she had worked hard on herself both internally and externally, and she had been able to change her life in so many incredible ways. She took her life in to her own hands and it was that pride she now had in herself which finally made her feel worthy enough not to need a man’s approval.

So why, then, was she still OBSESSED with getting attention from guys? If she knew she didn’t need a man, why could she not get off these dating apps? Why did she still get so hooked when she had a crush? Why couldn’t she just take things as they came and not be completely consumed over why a guy hadn’t texted her back?

Because she’s a god damn attention whore, that’s why!

She liked being adored, and desired, and complimented and fantasized about. She felt sexy knowing a guy wanted her. It turned her on. But it was starting to feel like an addiction. She felt like she couldn’t go five seconds without checking her phone for some kind of notification from literally any male on the internet giving her the attention she so craved.

How could she stop that? Logically, she should have just deleted her dating apps. But she didn’t want to because she knew she did still want to find someone to be with eventually. Not necessarily anything serious right away, but you can’t catch a fish if you don’t cast a line, right?? That was a stupid analogy, but you get the point.

This overwhelming need for attention rarely played out in a cute way. The last thing she wanted was to come off as needy or clingy or anything crazy. But that’s how it seemed to guys. They thought she wanted *them* specifically. Like they’re so fucking wonderful!? But no. It wasn’t even really about these guys as people, it was about what they gave her – the dopamine rush from being adored.  

If she had learned anything throughout a year of lockdown dating, it was that guys are a dime a dozen. If one conversation ended, another one picked up literally right away. But it’s the guys that make you feel that little extra oomph; those are the ones that trip you up.

Because yes, in those cases, it was about more than just the attention she got from them. Sometimes she actually liked the guy as a person and just genuinely wanted to spend time with them. These “extra oomph” guys still aren’t that special, but they’re just special enough to put her obsessive brain in to overdrive. At times, it felt like she had to fight every urge in her body not to full on call the guy! (Which of course she would never do, let’s be real. Only psychos like to talk on the phone… coughcoughChadcoughcough).

She wondered if anyone else felt that way? How do other people curb their attention cravings? Why did she still feel like she needed it so badly? Was she making up for all the years she yearned for male attention and didn’t get it? Was she still subconsciously striving for their approval? Or was she even more subconsciously just still looking for “the one”?

A few days went by since her spiral down the attention seeking rabbit hole. In that time, she had begun messaging with a guy she had chatted with during the early days of quarantine. He asked her to meet up that coming weekend. It likely would be just another hook up, but the attention she had been craving was being fulfilled. In the same week, however, she had also surprisingly secured plans with Kyle for the day after this date.

When the weekend came, she woke up Saturday morning to two sexy texts from Kyle making a good case to go over to his place that day instead of the Sunday. She debated it in her head but thought, “good sex with a friend is better than awkward small talk with a stranger”. Plus, isn’t that the whole point of Friends with Benefits; to hook up with the person you know, rather than continuous strangers? She told Kyle she would be over in the early afternoon, and rescheduled her date with the other guy for the Sunday, instead.

When she went over to Kyle’s, they fooled around as soon as she got there. It definitely did not go on as long as previous encounters they’d had, but it was good. However, he had basically been partying non-stop since she had last seen him on Canada Day, as one does in their 20’s, so he was pretty tired. In fact, the texts he had sent her asking her to come over were both sent between 4:30am and 6:30am. She should have expected him to be exhausted.

They cuddled for a little bit, but not surprisingly, he fell asleep. Meanwhile, she just lay there, wide awake, secured tightly in his arms. She was a bit annoyed at first, but she realized that she actually really enjoyed the intimacy of it all. She rested with him for a while, but eventually readjusted herself and turned on the tv, waking Kyle up in the process.

He apologized for being so tired, but at that point she genuinely didn’t mind. She was happy to be there instead of stuck at home, and she was going out to her friend’s place later that night anyways, so it’s not like it was a wasted day. She told him to go back to sleep, and gently tickled his arms and chest to help him relax, as she turned on Netflix and began watching a movie.

Eventually, it was time for her to get ready to go. He was already several hours late for the plans he had for that evening as well. She got dressed and fixed her hair and face. She told him that he owed her some hot, rough, sex the next time they got together, and he nodded yes before kissing her forcefully at the front door. A kiss that reminded her of what she loved about their little trysts.

When she left, she had a new outlook on her whole FWB/dating situation. She didn’t feel that neediness anymore. Granted, she had just gotten the attention she had been craving, but she also kind of hadn’t? He wasn’t fawning all over her, he was friggin’ sleeping the whole time.

She went on to have a lovely evening with her friends, but woke up the next day knowing she had zero intentions of seeing this other guy. Even though this guy had given her more attention than Kyle had over the last couple weeks, she just all of a sudden didn’t care about it. About any of it, from anyone. It had occurred to her that a lot of her feelings were really just hormones.

After having been off birth control for a few years (she stopped when she and her ex were trying to have kids, before she knew about her fertility issues), she had become fairly in tuned with her natural cycle. She knew that she was always crazy horny two weeks before her period. The week before her period was when she was moody and PMS-y, the week of her period was, well, you all know. And then the week after her period was her sane week.

All those needy, attention seeking feelings occurred during her crazy horny week. Her hormones were all over the place and she realized she had been overthinking everything. She really wanted to get back to her “It is what it is” attitude. She vowed that she wouldn’t text Kyle again. If he messaged her, awesome. But she was done chasing after him. She was done chasing after anyone, for that matter. If a guy wanted to meet up with her, he would ask and he would make it happen.

In the meantime, she was going to get back to herself. Back to working out regularly, back to making plans with her friends with no regard for whether or not she might hear from some guy… She needed herself to become her priority again. Then, whenever she did get some attention from a guy, it would feel even sweeter.

Continue to Chapter Fifty Four

She had been able to distract herself from thinking about Kyle throughout the weekend, and was excited that her birthday week had finally arrived.

She and her best friend share a birthday. Every year since their 20th, they had celebrated together, along with another one of their best friends whose birthday is three days earlier. When she had moved away with her ex, she had to endure several years of FOMO as she watched her friends celebrate without her. So now that she had moved back home, she was beyond excited to be able to celebrate with her Birthday Twin again.

As she and her friend were finalizing their plans, she casually mentioned how great it would be if Kyle came. Especially because the friends who had originally introduced them would be at the party, so he would know people and it wouldn’t be awkward for him. She had been debating with herself about whether or not to invite him, and was especially skeptical after having seen that pic of him and his lady friend. But even so, she really wanted to end her birthday with a BANG… wink wink 😉

“That’s a great idea! He could come DJ for us!!” her friend suggested. She froze. As much as she loved that idea, she worried that if Kyle came to DJ, he would be there for the entire event. She had had it in her mind that she would invite him to come a little later on. The party would be starting at 5pm for a BBQ, and would be extending into the later evening. This would be the first big social event post lockdown, and she didn’t want to be worrying about some guy when she could be catching up with her friends whom she hadn’t seen for some time.

The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that she really did want him to be there, but she was nervous about texting him. She wasn’t sure if this was too “relationship-y”, or if this was a perfect FWB opportunity. The Monday before her birthday, she got up the nerve to message him, and was overjoyed when he enthusiastically accepted her invitation.

The day of her birthday, she headed right over to her Birthday Twin’s house after work, where the party was taking place. A few people were there early and they all helped decorate. Other friends started arriving and soon the party was in full swing. Kyle had yet to text her, so she texted him and pretended she “forgot” to give him a time. Fortunately, he wouldn’t be able to make it there until closer to 8pm. PHEW! She had time to get some drinks in her and build up her liquid courage. Not only was she not actually dating this guy so it would be hard to explain to people why they’d be all over each other, but also some of her friends had read the blog post about him so they knew aalll the dirty details. It made her blush to think about everyone meeting him.

She told Kyle to text her when he arrived and she would come out front to meet him. It was a good thing she did because when he got there, they shared a spectacular greeting kiss that made all her worries fade away.

She brought him around back and the other birthday girl greeted him excitedly, asking where he wanted to set up his DJ stuff. Other people came over to greet him, and she suddenly felt herself needing to retreat to the bathroom. She just got the urgent feeling that she couldn’t be there for the introductions. She felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to explain things to people who hadn’t read the blog or didn’t know about their situation. Another friend found her in the bathroom and talked her down off the figurative ledge.

Once Kyle was all set up and people had dispersed, she felt more comfortable coming back out to socialize again. When she did, Kyle saw her, wrapped his arm around her waist, and pulled her in to stand beside him at his “DJ booth”… which was just a folding table up on the deck. He showed her how to change songs and transition from this to that. Nothing sunk in, of course, but she felt special getting a crash course. They danced, they drank, they kissed. She missed the feeling of being “coupled up”, and made sure to soak up every second of it.

The sun had long been set, and people had slowly taken their leave. Eventually the party had dwindled down to six; she and Kyle, her Birthday Twin and her husband, and another friend and her fiancé. They moved the party inside and just kept on raging. She and Kyle had barely left each other’s side the entire night. As the birds began to sing in the early morning, they headed downstairs to the guest room while the other couples stayed up a bit longer.

For the first time in years, she ended her birthday exactly how she wanted to – with super hot birthday sex. All those birthdays she had celebrated with her ex, not once did she enjoy herself like she did that night. Inviting Kyle was the best idea she ever had. Her heart had been so full all afternoon and evening. She was overjoyed to be able to see her friends again and feel like things were getting back to normal. But Kyle was the cherry on top. It was the perfect end to the perfect birthday. And not once did she think about his girlfriend-not-girlfriend situation.

Canada Day was the next day, and the plan was to go party at a local beach. Kyle had left early in the morning as he had some things to attend to. However, he was going to the same Canada Day event as it was being hosted by their mutual friend. He kissed her goodbye and told her he’d see her later. Obviously they were hung over as fuck, so she, her friend and her friend’s husband didn’t make it there until 4pm. When they arrived at the beach, Kyle had already been and gone. He was DJing at another beach party and would be returning later.

She had a hard time getting back in to party mode. Everyone else there were in their 20’s. She and her friends were among some of the older party-goers. Two days of drinking in a row was definitely not the norm for her anymore. But eventually she got there. She had wandered off and was chatting with a lovely young woman who had drunkenly confided in her about her relationship struggles. She felt like it was divine intervention that she had met this girl, and was happy to offer advice and share her own experiences.

As they chatted, she saw Kyle approaching. He had just gotten back to the beach and had searched her out before greeting any of his other friends. Her heart exploded with butterflies. It really didn’t take much to make her feel special. He kissed her hello and he greeted the girl she had been talking to. Of course he knew her. He knew everyone.

He soon went off to chat with other people, and they didn’t really interact much throughout the remainder of the evening. As things were winding down, she went to find him and asked what his plans were for the rest of the night. To her dismay, he wasn’t able to come back to her friends’ place for another sleepover. He needed to go home to actually sleep as he had plans to go to some big rave in the woods the next day. Definitely not her scene. So they kissed goodbye and parted ways.

The next day she slept all day. She had foolishly made plans with another friend to celebrate yet another birthday that weekend, so she needed to get some rest before another night of partying. (Who the hell did she think she was planning a week long party experience like that?? Not only was she not in her 20’s anymore, but after being stuck in lockdown for so long, how the hell did she think she could handle all this?! Spoiler alert, she was in bed by 10:30pm after partying for her other friend’s bday.)

That first weekend of July came and went. She and Kyle had kept in contact by sending funny memes here and there, but they hadn’t had a real conversation since Canada Day. She wanted so badly to message him, hoping to arrange another rendezvous, but she didn’t want to come off as clingy. She was trying to remain cool and casual… except she was pretty sure he was aware of how uncool she was, but knew he liked her anyways.

The day she decided she would send him a message, was the day he posted another story of him and his “primary”. She realized, then, why she hadn’t heard from him in a while and was relieved she hadn’t texted him. She then decided not to message him at all. She knew he would text her eventually. Maybe she’d be free. Maybe she wouldn’t be. She was noticing the same patterns in herself that she would repeat with every other guy she had a crush on. She didn’t want to be that girl with Kyle. Especially because they had laid out the stipulations to their “relationship” pretty clearly.

She knew she couldn’t wait around for him. And yet, now every guy she chatted with seemed to wane in comparison. However, over the previous week, Tom had begun messaging her again. He had wished her Happy Birthday and they had chatted a few times here and there. Maybe she could re-focus her attention on him as a distraction from Kyle!? What she really needed to do was get the fuck off the dating apps in general and just focus on herself again…

Pfft! Fat chance!

Continue to Chapter Fifty Three

Less than a week went by before she and Kyle arranged to hang out again. They made plans for her to go over to his place when she finished work the following Thursday. She had hoped to get together on the Friday, but he already had plans. Typically, she didn’t like going out during the week as she had to be up early for work, but she decided to make an exception for Kyle. For good sex, it was worth bending the rules.

Earlier that week he had posted a funny Instagram story that read, “It’s not men vs. vibrators. It’s men 🤝 vibrators”. She laughed and commented about how much she approved of that sentiment. So, when they arranged their next rendezvous, she jokingly asked if she should bring hers, and was surprised when he replied, “Sure! Bring all the toys you want!” She only had the one vibrator, but she was intrigued by the idea of Kyle being open to using it on her, instead of being threatened by it. She also thought about what a great addition it would be to the sensory deprivation experience he had planned for her.

Thursday arrived and she made up some other lie to tell her parents about where she would be going after work instead of coming home. (Ahh, the life of a 30something year old teenager…) She had had a particularly rough day that day, so when she got to Kyle’s place she was still in a bit of a huff. He listened as she ranted a little bit upon arrival, but after a few minutes he looked at her and said, “Your day is done. You’re here now…” In that moment, their eyes locked. He pushed her up against the wall, kissing her strongly and deeply. Her troubles literally just melted away.

It wasn’t long before he took her to the bedroom, ordering her to lay on her back as he fetched all his sexy tools. First, he hand cuffed her. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything to handcuff her to, but he told her to keep her arms resting above her head, and she did as she was told. Then he put a set of wireless earbuds in her ears and turned on a white-noise playlist. She couldn’t hear anything other than the sounds of waves crashing. It was soothing and exciting at the same time. Then, he pulled a black head band type thing over her eyes, and she was finally in full sensory deprivation mode.

She could feel his big, strong hands gently caressing her entire body. It sent chills up her spine. He tickled her upper thighs before spreading her legs and going in for some oral pleasure. She couldn’t believe how heightened her senses were. It felt like every tingle was amplified a hundred times over. Then all of a sudden, she felt the insane intensity from what she knew was her vibrator. A Magic Wand, to be specific.

She literally screamed. She hadn’t expected it, and he had also put it directly on her hot button which was more vibration than she was able to handle without warning. Kyle was a fast learner, though, and figured out pretty quickly what felt good for her, and what was too much. It was a feeling she had never experienced before. An intensity she could not compare. Coupled with her overwhelmingly heightened senses, her body was shaking and was overcome by pleasure.

When he could tell she was too overwhelmed, Kyle stopped with the wand and went back to manual. Then all of a sudden, her legs were thrown up beside her ears and he was inside her. It was another indescribable intensity that she couldn’t have ever imagined. He was going hard and deep and it was absolutely mind blowing. Earth shattering, even. Truly, one of the best sexual experiences she had ever had.

When they were done, the only thing left in tact were the handcuffs. The ear buds and blindfold had fallen off in all the commotion. He uncuffed her and she just collapsed into his arms. “Yeaahh…. my neighbours definitely heard us…” he laughed. She was mildly mortified. With the ear buds in, she hadn’t been able to control how loud she was. Woops!

After resting a while and regaining some strength, they shared some chips and salsa in bed. They had worked up quite an appetite. He also put on The Office in his attempt to prove to her it was better than Friends (Good luck, bro. #FRIENDS4eva!).

They only watched two episodes. She wanted to be home in somewhat good time as she did have a busy day ahead of her. Once she had put herself together again and was ready to head out, he kissed her goodbye. A kiss so passionate and intimate it made her toes curl. She could not have asked for a better Friends with Benefits experience and was already anticipating their next encounter.

The following evening, the Friday that Kyle had plans, she had been scrolling through Instagram when she saw a photo of him and his “primary”. Her stomach dropped. This girl was a cute, short, brunette with curly hair and a septum ring. His smile in the photo went from ear to ear. She felt uncomfortable looking at it. “No wonder he didn’t want to tell me what his plans were…” she thought as she opened Tinder to distract herself.

In theory, this whole “non-monogamous” thing of Kyle’s really didn’t bother her. She had been able to compartmentalize her relationship with him from his relationship with this other girl. But seeing her. Seeing them together. Seeing how happy he looked. It freaked her out. Did this girl actually really know what he was doing? Did this girl know about her? Did this girl know about the crazy hot sex she and Kyle had been having?

She thought about how she would feel if she were in this girl’s shoes. She would be fucking pissed! But then again, she really had no idea what this girl knew or didn’t know. Or how she felt. Or what her relationship with Kyle was like. She only knew what Kyle told her. And from what he had told her, everything was cool. Even the friend who had introduced them had confirmed that this girl was not his girlfriend.

This thing with Kyle was supposed to be fun, light, and casual. Obsessing over whether or not his girlfriend-not-girlfriend knew or didn’t know about her was not her definition of casual. She had to stop overthinking everything…

Continue to Chapter Fifty Two

She spent the next day nursing her hangover in bed. It was early afternoon when she received the cutest text from Kyle saying, “Hey, it’s the DJ from last night. How are you feeling today?” “It’s the DJ from last night”? Like she would forget him?! She was messed up, sure, but she was unlikely to forget the guy who went down on her in her friend’s bathroom the first night they met.

She thought it was so sweet of him to check up on her, and to actually follow through on what he said he would do. (Isn’t it sad that based on other experiences, the bar is set so low that a simple text could make that much of an impact?) She replied and assured him she was fine. He then asked if she was free to get together sometime that coming week. She didn’t want to confirm anything so far in advance because she was used to plans falling through, but they agreed to touch base later in the week.

Thursday arrived and she messaged him early in the morning. Her stomach was in knots with excitement and anticipation. Unlike most men, Kyle replied quickly and was always sweet and complimentary. He never made her feel anxious about texting him first, and was always receptive. She gave him her weekend schedule and they arranged for her to go over to his place that Saturday. A little afternoon delight, if y’know what I mean… wink wink 😉

She could hardly wait for Saturday to arrive. When it did, she told her parents she was going for a hike with some friends, then headed out to Kyle’s place. She texted him when she got there and he came out to meet her since his place is a little confusing to find. They walked in to his apartment and she was blown away by how clean it was. Definitely not a bachelor pad. A respectable (young) man lived there.

She could hear herself talking a mile a minute. Kyle remaining his chill, smooth self while he listened to her blabber on about whatever the hell it was she was talking about. Then she pulled out a joint and asked if he wanted to smoke. She knew she needed a second to decompress before things got real.

She sat down on the couch while he fetched an ashtray. When he came to sit down, he sat so close to her she thought he was just going to envelope her in to himself. But because he was so close, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, she felt comfortable enough to swing her legs up over his. They were like sexy little puzzle pieces that fit together just right. They puffed on her poorly rolled joint before they both agreed it was shit weed and they weren’t getting anything from it.

It was then that his beautiful, honey coloured eyes looked up at her as he put the joint out. She could feel herself involuntarily bite her lip. Then he kissed her so deeply she felt it in her toes. He moved on top of her as she lay back on the couch. Just a hot, sexy makeout sesh in his living room, no big deal. Things started to progress and he told her to go to his bedroom. All the nerves she had felt before arriving had come rushing back as she walked ahead of him into his room.

He came towards her and kissed her passionately as he grabbed the scruff of her neck and jerked her head back. Her nervousness dissipated into the firey passion of his touch. He guided her backwards on to the bed, their clothes coming off in the process. Except she kept her tank top on, she wasn’t sure why? She hadn’t kept it on with Tom. Maybe it was Kyle’s excessively chiseled body that made her insecure? Whatever the reason, it wasn’t anything he did. He made her feel sexy and hot and beautiful and desired. It was just her in her own head.

Regardless, as soon as she hit the bed, his face was between her thighs. She was almost immediately trembling and losing control of her senses. He was incredible. So eager to please. And she was eager to let him. He went to town for a while before she couldn’t take it anymore and brought him up towards her. It was electric, the passion between them.

He paused for a moment and knelt between her legs, she on her back looking up at him. He said, “Next time, I want to try sensory deprivation on you…” She knew what that meant, but she wanted him to elaborate. “I want to blind fold you, put noise canceling head phones on you, hand cuff you, and take complete control of your body…” Ummm… YES PLEASE! The only reason he didn’t do it right then was because he had to look for his handcuffs (as one does…)

They rolled around in that bed for hours. The sex was even better than she had expected. He was rough and dominating and completely in control. Exactly the way she liked it without it going too far. The sex with Tom was amazing, but this was just next level. Words can’t describe how mind blowing it was. She kept asking herself how the hell did she get so lucky?

When they finished, they just lay there together, wrapped up in each other, basking in their mutual satisfaction. She loved the feeling of his arms around her. She felt so petite, and comforted, and safe. Once they had regained some strength, they began chatting about anything and everything; past relationships, past mistakes, their interests, their families…

They talked about how crazy it was, the way they came to meet each other. Had he not just randomly come over to her friend’s place that night, they might not have ever met. And if they had met somehow (they do have a few of the same friends), the connection might not have been there. They wouldn’t have even met on a dating app because he was a few years shy of her minimum age limit. It just blew both of their minds how attracted they were to each other, and how fortunate the circumstances were in which they entered each other’s lives. But it was then that he told her… drum roll please...

He was sort of in a relationship.

“Sort of” meaning, he was non-monogamous. He had a “primary” girl that he had been seeing for a while. He assured her that he was always 100% upfront with this girl about his desires. He explained that in his (even) younger days, he had cheated on girls and was not the kind of boyfriend or companion he knew that those girls deserved. Once he realized that being tied to one woman just wasn’t for him, he was able to communicate his wants and needs more clearly to his partners, allowing anyone he was with to decide for themselves what she’d be willing to put towards her “relationship” with him.

Her immediate reaction was “OF FUCKING COURSE!”, which she kept to herself. But really, of coouurrsseeee he was in a relationship! She knew he was too perfect. The other shoe had to drop some time. But then she thought again and realized, what else did she want from Kyle other than just a fun time?

She didn’t want to get serious with him. She didn’t want him to become her boyfriend or meet her parents or become super enmeshed in her life. The fact that he had a “girlfriend”, for lack of a better term, was actually pretty perfect. It would prevent her from getting too close. It would ensure their relationship stayed purely fun and sexual, and there would be no chance for confusion on either of their parts. This also allowed her to feel zero guilt for continuing to chat with and meet other guys.

However, the real deal breaker would be if, since he’s not a one-woman kinda guy, he were constantly out and about, just stickin’ it in anything that moved. So she asked him how many people he was sleeping with and he assured her that it was only her, and this other girl. She could handle that, for now at least.

Some of you might be thinking that Kyle is just a total Fuck Boy and that this is a terrible idea. That’s totally fair. She was quite aware of her horrible track record for picking good guys. But this time felt different than any other experience she had ever had with a guy. She was secure in herself. In her sexuality. In where she was in her life. She had been open to the opportunities that the Universe had been presenting to her, and now this was the situation she was presented with. A 26 year old, drop dead sexy, honest, communicative, sex bomb of a man had literally just been dropped in her lap. They wanted the exact same thing out of their “relationship”, and she felt nothing but excitement for what might lie ahead.

The conversation moved away from that topic, and eventually things got hot and heavy again. Around 5pm, she got herself ready and headed home. She had plans with her friends to go to a patio that night for the first time in what felt like a century. He messaged her while she was out and told her he had had a great time. She reciprocated those feelings and they agreed to hang out again soon.

And so began her first official foray into the world of Friends with Benefits. She could. not. wait. for all the fun he was planning for their next rendezvous…

Continue to Chapter Fifty One

It had been two weeks since her date with Tom. He still had yet to really reach out. He had commented on a few Instagram stories, but nothing about hanging out again. She knew she could reach out to him just as well, but around that time, lockdown had ended and her social calendar had filled up quickly. She truly had just been too busy to fit him in, so why reach out with no time to see him?

One Saturday, she had spent the entire day lounging out by a pool with all her friends. Basking in the sun, drinking ice cold Michelob Ultra’s from the cooler beneath her lounge chair, and regaling everyone with the tale of her most recent mind blowing experience. After re-telling the story that afternoon, she had decided that the following day, she would send Tom a quick message and see if he was interested in meeting up again.

After the pool, everyone went home to shower and change, and would all be regrouping at one of her friend’s houses for a barbeque and more drinks. She was having the best time. After having not been allowed to see friends again for so long, she could not have asked for a better day. It was getting late, and one of the couple’s left. Shortly thereafter, another couple was headed out. They had been invited to another get together, but they weren’t sure if they really wanted to go to that other party, and had mentioned that they might be back later.

They left, and then there were three. She, her friend, and her friend’s husband. Once a throuple, always a throuple. (That’s an inside joke. They were not actually a throuple. This friend doesn’t even read this blog because she lives through all these stories first hand. So the inside joke is wasted here. Even worse now that it’s been explained. But fuck it, it stays. They call themselves a throuple. They were drunk when they decided that. It was hilarious.)

So she, her friend, and her friends husband were all still drinking and partying. Just happy that fun was legal again. It was around midnight when the front door burst open. The couple from before had returned, and they brought two friends. Two guy friends. She was already drunk, and therefore very much ready to get her flirt on. But she then was informed of how old these fellas were. One of them was a cute, blonde 29 year old. Not completely beyond her minimum age, which was 30. Unfortunately, though, he had the same name as her brother and was therefore immediately disqualified as an option.

The other guy was a sexy, black, 26 year old, Dubstep loving DJ (self taught throughout quarantine). As insanely hot as this guy was, 26 was just waayyyy too young. So, even in her inebriated state, she had resigned herself to just window shopping that night.

The DJ, we’ll call him Kyle, went to set up his stuff while she and the other guy chatted a bit. As she listened to this guy tell her about when he also dyed his hair blue (as she had), she watched the friends who had returned scurry around setting up strobe lights, all different colours. Soon, the actual lights were off, the party lights were on, and the rave music was bumpin’! Definitely not her first choice of tunes, but she was used to being outnumbered with this particular group of friends. She was in the proper state, however, to just let her body move as it wanted. She danced with her friends, closed her eyes and felt the music.

Then, all of a sudden, she felt someone’s hands on her hips from behind her. Instinctively, she thought it was her friend just being funny. She looked back, and to her shock and delight, she saw Kyle looking back at her. She was so surprised. Last she knew, he was across the room DJing. She didn’t even see him come over, and now he was grinding with her from behind. It had been like a literal decade since she had grinded with a guy, let alone a fucking smoke show like Kyle. She smiled at him and turned back around, deciding that a little dancing couldn’t hurt. However, she could only push her ass in to this stranger for so long before she wanted to switch it up. She turned around to face him, and in that split second, they were just immediately making out.

He was definitely the one who initiated the kiss. Even though she was dancing with him, she still had no intention of pursuing anything with this (figurative) teenager. And even in the moment when their lips first touched, she still had that hesitant feeling of, “Oh fuck! No! He’s too young!” But all that went out the window when she really got in to it. When she felt what an amazing kisser he was. When she felt the electricity between them. When she felt that chemistry and connection to him, even though at that point they had exchanged less than ten words between them.

She didn’t know what it was, she was just drawn to him. And he to her. It was insane. She had never felt sparks like that with someone. The closest would have probably been Tom, but it was nothing as immediate as it was with Kyle. Maybe it was the way he pulled her hair as he kissed her. Just subtly, from the nape of her neck, under her hair. Just a quick, hard, tug at her hair, then a grab at the back of her neck as they kissed. He was so intense, in the best possible way.

He stopped kissing her for a moment and looked her in the eyes, then he whispered in her ear, “Am I too young for you?” She threw her head back and laughed (in a cute way, not in a cackly-witch way) and replied, “Oh yes, definitely,” as she kissed him again.

She and Kyle made out for what felt like a millisecond (but was likely, like, 10 minutes?), before he tore his lips from hers and whispered, “Follow me to the bathroom in one minute.” He left her there, basically delirious from that whirlwind of a make out sesh, and she couldn’t wait even a second longer before she just had to reunite with him. Seriously. The attraction was indescribable.

She opened the bathroom door slowly. Kyle whipped it open, grabbed her by the back of the neck, and pulled her in. Pushing her up against the wall, they ravaged each other. We all know how much she loves being choked sexually, and apparently this guy could just tell? He was so good at it and she hadn’t been so turned on since… well, since two weeks prior with Tom. But this experience was so different. With Tom there was sooo much build up. It was the anticipation that made things so explosive. Whereas Kyle was just immediate intensity and animalistic sexual tension.

He stopped kissing her and held her against the wall. “Get on your knees,” he told her. She thought about it for a second. And in that moment she just realized, no fucking way am I getting on my knees for a fucking 26 year old. “No.” she told him plainly. He smirked. “Okay, lay down on your back,” he replied as he motioned for her to lay in the small, narrow entry way into the bathroom. “What??” she asked, confused. “Lay down on your back.” he repeated. She was excited and horny and confused all at the same time, but she did as she was told. He knelt down and ripped her pants and underwear off her. “Holy fuck, is he gunna go down on me?! Oh my god. He’s gunna go down on me!!” she said to herself in disbelief. He adjusted himself lower and just as he was about to start, alarms went off in her head; “YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD!” they yelled at her.

“Oh my god, I have my period!” she blurted out. She had her Diva Cup in, it’s not like it was a bloody mess down there. But in all the commotion, she had completely forgotten about it. He looked up from between her thighs and smiled. “I don’t care…” he said as he went to town.

Holy. Fucking. Fuck.

Until two weeks before that, she had never gotten off from being eaten out. Now, here she was, having her mind blown once again, in that same fashion. She finished twice. He moved back and sat down on the closed-lid toilet. She lay there for a moment, looking up at the ceiling. “Did that actually just fucking happen??” She got up and figured she should probably return the favour. But as she started he stopped her and said, “I’m on Molly. I’m not gunna cum. Don’t even worry about it,” and he kissed her instead.

“Are you fucking kidding me!?!” She thought to herself. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, this completely random, sexy, unbelievable specimen of a human being just stumbled in to her life, gets her off twice, AND she didn’t have to give him blow job?! Who the fuck was this guy?? He’s perfect!!!…. (except for that whole, being born in 1995 thing. That was a real bummer.. But she was definitely not thinking about that at the time.)

They kissed again for a second but then she got dressed and left the bathroom. He followed shortly after and eye-fucked the shit out of her as he walked back over to his “DJ booth”. Her friend immediately grabbed her and brought her outside so she could fill her in on every detail. Meanwhile, the friends who had brought Kyle took him on a tour of the home gym that was set up in the basement.

Later on when she and Kyle were reunited on the dance floor (re: the living room floor, beside the couch), he told her that his friends told him there was a room set up for the two of them if they wanted to go bang. She laughed, and appreciated the support, but she was perfectly fine with how things had gone thus far. She didn’t want to have sex with him while everyone was upstairs. Whenever they did have sex, and oh boy she knew they would have sex, she wanted to be able to enjoy every second of it, just the two of them.

She had been drinking since noon that day, and towards the end of the night had decided to smoke some weed also. Having not partied in so long, the combination just didn’t sit right with her and she ended up calling an Uber. It was like 4am at this point, though, so she should have been going home anyways. It’s not like she was in her 20’s anymore like some people…

Kyle had noticed that she seemed sick and came to check on her. She assured him she was okay but that she was going to go home. He kissed her passionately on the lips, then kissed her softly on the forehead. “I’ll text you tomorrow. Get home safe. I hope you feel better,” he whisper-shouted in her ear. She felt butterflies throughout her entire body and couldn’t wait to hear from him the next day.

Oh ya… Tom, who?

Continue to Chapter Fifty

After their intense kitchen makeout sesh, she went back to sit at the table as she sipped her beer and watched him finish cooking. The pizza was ready in no time and as he placed it down in the centre of the table, he then grabbed a bottle of sparkling wine he had taken out of the fridge, and popped it open. “Let’s celebrate!” he said as he poured. They clinked their glasses, and began to eat their dinner. It truly was one of the best pizzas she’d ever eaten.

Throughout dinner and while he was cooking, Tom had kept asking if the music he had on was okay. It was just some jazzy instrumental type stuff. Perfect as background music. However he kept offering to put something on that she wanted, so finally she suggested a Canadian artist named Dan Mangan. He plays like rock/folksy type stuff, perfect for the type of evening they were having.

They finished their meal and moved over to the living room. They sat side by side on the futon, and Tom was really enjoying the music she had suggested. It took very little time, however, for him to move in and start making out with her again. She lay down on her back and he moved up on top of her. And though the kissing was wonderful, he wasn’t going any further than that. He’d caress her cheeks, stroke her hair, bring his hands slowly up and down the sides of her, but no attempt to move on to second base. She decided to expedite the situation by taking her tank top off. It was then that he asked if they should move the party to the bedroom, to which she happily agreed.

They walked over into the bedroom, making out along the way. She backed up towards the bed, their faces never separating. She laid back on top of the covers, but again, the same thing as before; cheek caresses, hair stroking… no attempt to move further. Then all of a sudden he stood up, grinning and giggling like a literal child, and he walked out of the room leaving her topless on his bed, extremely confused.

She thought maybe he went to get water or something? So she took the opportunity to speed things up by unclipping her bra. When he came back in, he started his awkward, anxious, uncertain movements again. “So um.. should we.. umm?” he stammered. She looked up at him and said slowly, “Do.. you want to take your clothes off?” “Oh yea, yea.. I guess I should eh?” he laughed nervously.

She moved up the bed and now got under the covers. He joined her, wearing just his (pretty sexy, actually) black boxers. Again, more kissing. He moved his hand down her back and made an audible “Oouuu” sound when he realized her bra was undone. She laughed and he took it off, and now the party was really getting started. Finally her boobs were getting some attention! But still, just soft, slow kissing.

She was enjoying herself, of course. But all this tender loving was just a huge giant tease for her. All she wanted was for him to be rougher with her and to really get things going! Instead, just more cheek caresses. “What’s a girl gotta do to get choked around here??”

The making out continued, and she could feel him getting aroused. It was then that he pulled away again and stood up. He backed away from the bed and then just sat at his computer chair, frantically trying to find new music to play.

“Is something wrong?” she asked. “No, no, I just, um… Yea. Um.” he stammered. “Is this too fast for you? Because I’m fine,” she assured him. “I’m really enjoying this. But if this is too much, we don’t have to do this..?” “No it’s good! It’s great!” he replied. He was just so nervous! How could someone who knew exactly what to do, who was so surprisingly smooth in his moves and in his “game” (by cooking her dinner and whatnot), be so insanely nervous??

He turned the music up a bit so his landlords wouldn’t hear, before crawling back in to bed with her. Then finally, fiinnaallyy, he moved his hand slowly down her sides, tickling her as he went… and he began touching her where she was dying to be touched. “Oh my god, you’re so wet!” he said, surprised. “Well no shit, Sherlock! You’ve been teasing me for friggin half an hour!” she laughed in her head. Then, he started going down on her.

Typically, she had never really gotten anything out of that. Clearly, though, she just hadn’t had it done properly because Oh. Em. Gee. Tom was freakin’ amazing at it! With some help from his fingers also, he was able to get her off three – count ’em 1, 2, THREE times during foreplay.

She couldn’t believe it. She had never gotten off three times in a row from a guy, maybe ever. Her ex certainly couldn’t do that for her. None of the other guys she had casually been with had done it either. But Tom did. However, after she finished, he jolted up and ran out of the room again. “WTF is going on?” she thought. He was back shortly after and said, “Just had to wash up..”

She then realized that he had gone to wash her juices off his face. The first time he left he had probably gone to wash up too. Never in her entire life had she been with someone who stopped mid-hook up to go wash their face. Grab a kleenex, maybe? But run away to the bathroom to fully wash their face? Nope. And it’s not like she peed on him or anything! He wasn’t like, drenched! She was just surprised, and even maybe mildly insulted?, that Tom would go wash her off of him like that. She had also taken note, though, that he definitely had some anxiety issues, maybe even some OCD or something? So she just chalked it up to that. And hey, it was nice to kiss a clean face.

He climbed back into bed and kissed her again before rolling over on to his back to reach into the nightstand for a condom. She took that as an opportunity to return the favour. As she pulled his boxers down, it was like a holy light came shining out. Never had she ever seen such a glorious… specimen. It wasn’t too big. It wasn’t too small. It wasn’t too thick. It wasn’t too skinny. Basically the Golidlocks of penises – it was juussttt right!

She found herself to actually be eager to give him a BJ, which was not the norm for her. It was one of her least favourite bedroom acts, actually. They don’t call it a job for nothin’! She got started and he was clearly enjoying it, but he stopped her and moved her on to her back as he got the condom on. Apparently this evening was mainly going to be about her pleasure. And she was A-Okay with that!

He climbed on top of her and they began to have very vanilla, missionary sex. Nothing wrong with that at all, it definitely felt good. But soon he realized that she needed more. By simply taking cues from her body and body language, he realized, “Ooohh.. you like it a little harder and rougher, don’t you?” She nodded and a big smile grew across her face. “Okay then…” he said.

With one strong, smooth move, he flipped her over onto her knees and moved in behind her. They started going at it faster and harder, and he reached around to start rubbing her as he thrusted. Her brain literally exploded (obviously not literally). This insane, overwhelming, mind blowing, earth shattering feeling came over her. He kept going, harder and faster, until they both finished together. Did you read that? TO-GETH-ER!

She had never finished at the same time as a partner ever in her life. She actually wasn’t sure if she had ever really finished from sex at all?! Even he was blown away because as he collapsed next to her, he literally said, “Oh my god, was that real life?!”

They lay there together, naked. Their heads at the foot of the bed. Her hair was covering her eyes but she could see through the strands that Tom was laying beside her, his eyes closed, with the biggest, goofiest grin she had ever seen spread across his face. He stroked her back and they just rested together, enjoying the aftermath of the amazing experience they had just shared. That was the best sex she had ever had in her entire life.

She sighed and glanced at the time; 9:15pm. “Oh fuck,” she thought.

How was she going to explain this to her parents? Yes, she was a grown woman who didn’t need to ask permission to go over to a guy’s house. But how does one explain to their parents that they’re out and about during a pandemic, during lockdown, when there’s nothing at all to do at that hour?

She had told her parents she had gone for a walk with her friend, and when she had decided to stay at Tom’s for dinner, she told them that she was just hanging out on her friends’ patio. So she did have a plausible explanation, but how long could she stay out before her parents really started asking questions? She really, really didn’t want to have to explain anything to them…

He got up to get them some water, and she took that opportunity to get dressed. He came back and was visibly disappointed to see she had clothes on. “I’m really sorry,” she began. “But I’m going to have to get going soon…” “Oh, okay, yeah…” Tom replied awkwardly. She walked over to him, took a sip of water, and she kissed him again. That seemed to squash the anxiety she could sense was building inside him.

They went back out to the living room where she had left her shirt. And as she stood there, drinking her water, watching the Dan Mangan music video that was playing on the TV, she noticed Tom scoot off into the bathroom. She thought nothing of it until she heard the shower going. Again, nothing wrong with cleaning up after getting down and dirty, but she had never been with anyone so concerned with cleanliness!

He wasn’t in there long, and offered for her to take a shower too. She declined. How would she explain wet hair to her parents, let alone being out so late during lockdown. He got dressed and he walked her back out to the patio. They kissed again. A long, deep, sensual kiss. She apologized, saying, “Sorry to be the guy about this… It’s just my weird home situation…” “All good,” he replied. “I hope you enjoyed that at least though? I know I did!” She looked at him confoundedly. “Are you kidding?” she blurted out. “That was absolutely incredible. Yes, I definitely enjoyed that!” They kissed one last time, and then she was on her way.

When she got home, she made sure to message him and apologize again for having to leave so abruptly. He replied and said, “No worries at all. And thanks for introducing me to Dan Mangan. I’m still listening to it now.” She was beyond satisfied with how her spontaneous Saturday afternoon had gone. This day had been absolutely nothing like she had expected, in the absolute best possible way. She was hopeful that she and Tom would hang out again.

A few weeks have gone by. He’s continued to watch her InstaStories, and they’ve chatted briefly here and there after he’s commented on things. But he has yet to ask her to meet up again. She knew she didn’t want to date date him, but the longer they went without him asking her out again, the more she realized that she really did want him to. Apparently it would be up to her to get things moving again. Until then, she was just happy to have had that experience at all.

Continue to Chapter Fourty Nine

Earlier that month, she had received a follow request from a guy who had seen her on one of the dating apps. She checked out his open profile and saw that he was a bit of an amateur photographer. She enjoyed his photos but he had none of himself, so she was skeptical of accepting his request. A few moments later, however, she got a Tinder notification from him. “Hey! I just requested you on Instagram. Hope that’s okay 😊”. She was happy to have a face to go with the photos.

He had a kind face and seemed pretty nerdy. Definitely not her type and frankly, she didn’t even remember swiping right on him. He was very tall, and had dark blonde/light brown hair, which satisfied her MGK thing for the most part. She really did seem to have a specific look in mind, apparently. He had a goofy, child-like smile, and was very clean shaven. His profile said that he was 37, but he really didn’t look it. Maybe that’s why she had swiped right on him? Apparently she had really developed a thing for the younger guys, but it was a bonus that he wasn’t actually younger.

After examining his profile, she decided that she was fine to add him to her Instagram. She then replied to him in her DM’s where he had also messaged her saying that he had come across her on Tinder. They started chatting and he was polite, complimentary, and inquisitive. He asked all the right questions and chatting with him came so naturally. He didn’t over do it on the conversation, either. When there was a natural end, he wouldn’t push it with the small talk. And he never once mentioned sex. He just watched her InstaStories and asked her about all the walks she had been going on lately, or commented on the artsy posts she shared.

That Saturday after she had lost the interest of the other Tom, this nicer Tom had happened to message her as well. He asked how she was doing and what she was up to. She replied and told him that she was thinking about going on one of her walks, and asked if he wanted to join her. She had barely hit send before he replied “Sure!” He asked where she wanted to go, but also suggested they hit some walking trails near his place as he lived really close to a beautiful, picturesque area of town with amazing walking trails and beautiful views. She was happy to switch up her surroundings and try a different trail.

Tom sent her his address and she told him she would text him when she was on her way. She finished cleaning for her mom, then showered and got ready. When she arrived at his house, she was completely taken aback. He lived in a gorgeous, old white house surrounded by a stunning, overgrown English garden. There were birds and squirrels and bunnies just flourishing all over the property. You’d never know you were smack dab in the middle of a bustling city. She texted him that she had arrived and waited for him to come out to meet her.

“Hey!” he shouted from way up the driveway, still half inside. He hurried out and they exchanged sweet yet awkward greetings before heading out. As they went to cross the street, a family of geese and goslings appeared and crossed the street right in front of them. She was so excited! She had never seen little baby geese up close like that. He was less than impressed as he saw this all the time. These geese were very prevalent around that area. But he was sweet and patient as she took a million pictures and videos before they continued on their way.

Once they got to the trails, the conversation just flowed out of them. Tom was genuinely interested in anything and everything she had to say, and he asked such awesome questions that allowed for no lulls or awkward silences. He told her about himself and what he did for a living. And though much of it went over her head as she had zero knowledge of Software Engineering, she did enjoy listening to him express his passion for what he did.

They walked all along the river, checked out some local water falls that she had never even heard of in all her years of living there, and as they returned back, Tom invited her to join him on his quaint little patio for a drink. She hesitated at first because she really had only intended to go for a walk with him. Even though she knew she liked him as a person, she wasn’t sure if she had any romantic feelings for him. That being said, he really didn’t seem like the type to put the moves on her, so she accepted his offer.

He walked her around the side of the house to where a side apartment was located. It was then that he explained that he didn’t own this gorgeous house, but that he was renting his space from a lovely little old couple who had lived there for 20+ years. Ah, that explains it, she thought. He went inside to grab some refreshments, and she just sat on his patio, looking up at the trees overhead, while she watched the birds fly over her and listened to their sweet songs. Tom came out a few minutes later with a bottle of wine, two wine glasses, and two fancy beers she had never heard of. “Pick your poison,” he said.

She had to drive home later so she suggested they share a beer. He poured it into the wine glasses and joined her on the patio. As she sipped this delicious brew, she noticed him inch his chair closer to her. His hand grazed her thigh and she felt tingles throughout her entire body. She had forgotten what subtle, flirty body language felt like. They chatted a bit more and sipped their beers, then Tom offered to give her a tour of the English garden on the front lawn. She happily accepted and they brought their drinks out to the front of the property. He showed her around, then brought her to sit on a darling, ornate cement bench.

As they sat there, basking in the sun, a cool breeze washing over them, the sounds of the birds chirping above them, she felt his hand gently tickle and rub her back. “Holy fuck, he is putting the moves on!“, she thought to herself. It was then that she realized she had been talking a mile a minute. She couldn’t believe how nervous she was all of a sudden. No one had wooed her like this in… well, maybe ever! She nervously hadn’t been looking at him as she blabbered away, but as she turned her head, she locked eyes with him and her stomach exploded with butterflies. He leaned in, and he kissed her. A soft yet strong, lovely kiss. She kissed him back, and now they were making out in this beautiful English garden.

This was not at all what she had intended when she asked him to join her for a walk. She thought he was just a nice guy and hadn’t wanted to go for another walk by herself. She thought back to Tommy and the other Tom she had just been in contact with and realized that the Universe had definitely been pushing her in this direction. She didn’t want to resist this. She didn’t want to run from what could clearly be an incredible experience. He wasn’t her typical “type”, and normally she would have interpreted his kindness for weakness, for lack of a better term. But she had just been so used to always having to fight for guy’s attention. Yet, here Tom was, giving it freely. She told herself as they were making out that she was going to enjoy every second of this, whatever may happen.

Shortly after, Tom heard some voices in the backyard and realized his sweet, older lady landlord was coming towards them. They quickly stopped what they were doing and picked up their drinks to head back to his more private patio. “Oh hello, Tom!” the old lady said as she approached. Tom introduced them and she complimented this lovely woman on her beautiful garden before they headed back towards his apartment.

They sat on the patio and immediately picked up where they left off. He stopped kissing her for a moment and asked if she wanted to stay a while. “I can’t,” she said, knowing that if she did, the chances of them having sex would be very high. She worried that it would ruin things too quickly. “I have to go home for dinner. I have to pick up hamburger buns for my parents…” she lied. He paused and said, “Um, that’s what you said last time?”

She panicked. She had completely forgotten that he had asked her to come over after one of her walks a few weeks back, but she lied and just randomly said that she had to go home for dinner and was supposed to bring home hamburger buns. Using her quick thinking and wits, she replied, “Yeah so? We eat a lot of hamburgers..?”

She was surprised yet relieved that he seemed to accept that answer as truth. But she really was enjoying herself, and reminded herself that she wasn’t going to run from this. So she fake texted her parents and told him, “Okay, all good. I can stay.” “Great!” he said excitedly. “In that case…” and he rushed back inside. He was only gone a few moments before he came back out with a giant mason jar full of weed. “What the fucking fuck?!” she thought. “Who is this guy?!”

He did not seem the type to smoke weed, nor to have a giant friggin mason jar full of it. He then told her the story about how his lovely, geriatric landlords actually grew weed behind the house. They had these giant, super tall plants and one day, some kids had hopped the fence and stolen a bunch. As shady as it was, Tom had then jumped at the chance to precure some for himself, as well. So he chopped off a limb and his landlords never noticed because they had already just been robbed.

She busted out laughing. This guys was NOTHING like she had thought. This tall, awkward, nerdy guy was actually super cool and fun and charming and she just kept thanking herself for not judging this book by the cover. When Tom brought out his jar of weed, he had also brought out a pre-roll. He didn’t like smoking alone so he was eager to try this new strain with her. They puffed a bit, finished their drinks, and then headed inside.

“Well I guess if you’re staying, we should probably eat something!” he said as he headed over to the fridge. He began listing things off that he could whip up for them and she just stood there thinking, “This guy has a stocked fridge, and is about to cook me dinner… This is what a grown ass man looks like…” (Isn’t it sad that something as minor as having groceries was such a big deal to her?) “Raise your standards, sis”, she told herself.

After a little back and forth, Tom decided he could make them pizza. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!! You can never go wrong with pizza. She had told Tom about her recent weight loss and how she had cut out beef, pork and most dairy from her diet. She still ate cheese though. Specifically because, pizza is life. So he grabbed some peppers, olives, onions, and cheese and began preparing their meal.

“I usually use goat cheese but I’m out at the moment…” Tom said as he began chopping peppers. “Oh, well forget it, then!” she joked. As he began cooking, she noticed he seemed kind of flustered. Making like, quick, anxious movements and thinking out loud. He then hurried over to the table and asked her to come sit. He plopped the weed jar down in front of her and asked her to roll them a joint while he prepared dinner. This date really could not have been going any better.

She began grinding up the buds as she watched him shake up some weird, white substance in a jar. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Oh, just prepping the starter…” he replied. She then realized that HE WAS MAKING HER A SOUR DOUGH CRUST FROM SCRATCH! She asked herself again, “Who the fuck is this guy!?” She couldn’t believe that this guy, this random guy she had had absolutely zero intention of really giving a chance, was cooking her an incredible, homemade meal from scratch. She had never experienced this kind of chivalry in her life. Not that she didn’t think she deserved to be treated well, but she just never had been so it was quite the surprise and adjustment.

She finished rolling their joint and then grabbed her drink and walked over to where he was cooking so she could get a better view. She was genuinely so interested in this sour dough crust process. He then began his awkward, anxious movements again. “Am I distracting you? Do you want me to go back and sick down?” she asked. “No, no!” Tom replied. Then, without warning, he just swooped in towards her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her. Her arms flew up around his neck and they just started making out hardcore, right there in his kitchen.

This time the kissing was just like.. wow. Before it was just the soft, sensual type kissing, and was always somewhat awkward as they had been sitting beside each other so it wasn’t a really great angle. This kitchen kiss was like… whoa.

She could feel herself getting tingly and becoming super duper turned on. Tom moved his hands up to the sides of her face and held her cheeks as he slowed down. “Okay no. I have to finish this..” he laughed as he stepped back from her. She legit had to catch her breath and steady herself on the couch she had been leaning on. This was going to be the best pizza she had ever eaten…

Continue to Chapter Fourty Eight

Friends with Benefits. What does that mean?

In her experience, she had discovered that men lay more emphasis on the Benefits portion of that statement. Whereas women, or at least she, felt the Friends part was equally as important.

She wanted the connection. The chemistry. She yearned for the best parts of a relationship without the hassle and complications of having to consider another person’s thoughts and feelings. She wanted the friendship, the fun, the silliness, the playful teasing, the flirting, the butterflies, the intimacy, the body shaking and mind-blowing physical experiences… She wanted ALL of that, but without having to integrate that person into the rest of her life. That’s what Friends with Benefits meant to her.

She had gone through enough drama throughout her last relationship. She wasn’t ready for all the questions and introductions and advice and comments from nosy people in general who should mind their own business about other people’s relationships. She was enjoying being on her own. She just wanted to have someone whom she trusted on stand-by for the moments when she needed the intimacy that only a romantic/physical relationship could provide. Why was this so hard for to find?

She answered her own question. She knew that it was the emotional intimacy part of a relationship that most men have trouble with. Men are much more adept at compartmentalizing things, whereas women often have their feelings and emotions intertwined with one another when it comes to sex. Men seemed to prefer the physical intimacy, but lacked the emotional depth for the friendship part of FWB. So unless she wanted to be treated like a one-hour whore, she had resigned herself to likely not finding a suitable guy to enter in to a friendly, no strings attached type agreement.

After her most recent bad date, she had chatted with several more guys on her various dating apps. What else was new? One day, she matched with yet another super hot 40-year-old. He had blue eyes and shaggy blonde hair; the just-rolled-out-of-bed look that most guys can’t pull off. But he could. His name was Tommy. She found out later that he was only 5’7, but that’s how hot he was that she was willing waive her height requirements. He messaged her and very quickly got to the point.

“What do you look for in a guy?” Tommy asked. She answered her typical answer and asked what he looked for in a woman. A lot of what he described did apply to her. She told him that, and he asked, “Even the sexual part?” He had said that he was looking for someone in tune with her sexuality, and maybe a little kinky. She replied, “Well, everyone has different levels of that,” and asked him to give her an example.

The scenario that Tommy described turned her on instantly and she became extremely intrigued. The problem was that this conversation was taking place at like 10 o’clock in the morning while she was busy at work. When she had woken up that morning, she replied to his message from the night before. So this unexpected yet extremely fun and spicy conversation was taking place at a very inopportune time.

She kept trying to pause the conversation and pick it up when she was done work, but he kept replying to her with more sexual comments, even asking her to go to the bathroom at work and take a pic of herself playing with her nipples. Really dude?! You’re a 40-year-old man. What do you do during the day that you think people can just up and drop everything at work to go play with their own tits in the friggin work bathroom?!

He finally let up when she promised to send him a pic after work when she would have the time to take a good one. She never did it, though. And likely should have blocked him. Instead, she just ignored his texts for the rest of the day. But the next morning, the same fucking thing. He had texted her in the morning, so she made up some lie as to why she didn’t message him the night before. He then began throwing out ideas of how she could “make it up to him”, as if she actually owed him something. She obviously knew there was no point to pursuing a FWB thing with this guy. He clearly didn’t listen, and was already only focused on himself getting off, disregarding what she wanted. She stopped replying to him and he got the hint.

The very next day, though, she matched with a guy named Tom. Not Tommy, but Tom. Same name. Different, hotter, younger guy. Much younger. Twenty nine friggin years old, in fact. The thought of hooking up with someone that much younger than her weirded her out a little, but he was tall and hot and he told her immediately how hot he thought she was. What was the harm in having fun with a younger guy?… (aside from her own evidence and experience with younger guys proving to her that it was a bad idea and they were not worth the hassle…)

Tom took even less time than Tommy did getting to the point. His introduction message to her was, “Hey, are you down for FWB?” She paused and thought about it. Based on that sentence alone, she already knew what this type of guy was like. Did she want to waste her time? Well, it seems that yes, she did. It was a Thursday evening. She was bored, lonely and horny. So she replied, “Umm.. yes? If the chemistry is there..” He responded with, “Mmm. Nice” and sent her a link to his Instagram. She requested him, he requested her. They began following each other, but then there was no further conversation. She was unbothered and just continued on with her evening. However, the next day on her lunch, Tom sent her a voice message.

The last voice message she had received from a guy was when Chad sent her one all those weeks ago. This new guy, Tom, was 29. Chad was 30. Were voice messages a red flag about younger guys?? She shook that question out of her head and just focused on Tom’s hot voice, replying to him via written message.

They started chatting a bit. He asked about her day, she asked about his. He told her that he was going to do some weight training with friends after work and they got on to the topic of staying in shape. “I’m sure we could come up with something physical to do together…” he teased. She flirtily feigned confusion, so he offered to elaborate. Again, she was at work, but at least she was on her lunch at this moment because the message he sent her was so dirty, yet so sexy.

It was like he could read her mind. The scenario he had laid out covered literally everything she liked in the bedroom and, for a moment, she was about ready to just leave work and go hook up with this guy right then and there. Never had a guy articulated exactly what she liked without ever having discussed it before. Maybe this guy could be her Friend in Shiny Benefits!

She and Tom didn’t chat much that evening as he was off working out with his friends. But Saturday morning she found the nerve to ask what his plans were that afternoon. He replied by saying, “I’ll probably be free around 2pm”. It was only 9am, so that was plenty of time for her to get herself ready for a hook up. However, she thought back to her second time with Chad and remembered that horrible feeling of being kicked out only an hour and a half after she had gotten there.

She decided to reply by telling Tom that she was fine to meet at 2pm, but that she wasn’t down for just a “wham bam thank you ma’am” type thing. She explained that she would have wanted to chill a bit, and hopefully fool around more than once. She then sent a hopeful, “Cool? 😉” to which she received no reply.

An hour later she went back to check and discovered that not only had he unfollowed her, but he had also blocked her on Instagram – “User Not Found”. She flipped back over to Tinder and found that he hadn’t unmatched with her there. What an idiot. If she really wanted to be crazy she could have totally let him have it, but instead she just unmatched. What did she care if this horny 29-year-old man/child whom she had never met, wanted her or not? Except now she had nothing to do on her Saturday afternoon.

Her parents were attempting to get a project going in the backyard, so her mom asked if she would help with her To-Do List by sweeping and mopping the floors. Of course she obliged. As she was putting some things back after having cleaned the upstairs, she noticed that she had an Instagram notification. She checked it and saw a message from a guy she had become friendly with over the last few weeks. Though she was familiar with him, in that moment she stopped dead in her tracks as she made a connection that hadn’t been there before. This guy’s name was Tom, too! Wtf was with all the Tom’s??

Was the Universe trying to tell her something…?

Continue to Chapter Fourty Seven

After the whole Chad debacle, she ended up hiding all her dating profiles. What was the point of chatting with guys at that time anyways? Every other week they were going in to another lockdown. The opportunities to actually get out and go on real dates were not presenting themselves to her, so why keep chatting mindlessly with guys when there was no possibility for it to go anywhere?

She went a few weeks without her dating apps, and she felt rejuvenated. However, it was then that her co-worker tested positive for Covid. Fortunately, it was a mild case and her co-worker is back in good health. But at the time, every employee who had come in close contact with that person was put on 14-day isolation and required to get tested twice during that time. Fortunately, again, everyone else tested negative and there was no outbreak at her place of employment. A true Covid fairy tale, if you really think about it.

So, after having tried so hard to break free from online dating, she was now presented with two full weeks of nothing but time and boredom. What else was she to do but un-hide her profiles?

She chatted with a few guys here and there.  Nothing special, no sparks. But then she matched with a sort of cute guy on Bumble. We’ll call him Billy-Bob (you’ll understand why later). He had a shaved head (not bald, shaved), some decent scruff, and a cute enough face. What she found really intriguing about this guy, though, was that she and he had so many similarities in the way they conversed online. Like her, this guy was all about the long, elaborate paragraphs. He corrected his typos immediately, just like her. And he was very forthcoming about wanting to start a family. A real over-sharer, one might say. Exactly like her.

Throughout those long, run on paragraphs, however, she did get the impression that this guy was kind of a weenie. But because of their similarities, and her efforts to try to explore outside her “type” (because clearly her typical choices in men were severely lacking), she talked herself in to getting to know him better and tried not to let minor annoyances deter her from giving him a chance.

They only talked for a day before he asked if she wanted to meet up. At that point, her required isolation would have been up in 3 days, and she had already received her second negative Covid test. So, she decided that she felt comfortable breaking quarantine to go for a socially distanced walk with him.

At first he suggested going somewhere closer to her end of town, which was not an option . With her luck, they would run in to someone she knew – or worse, someone who knows her parents – and she would then have been forced to explain who this stranger was that she was with. Everyone knows everyone where she lives. Not only did she not want people knowing she was “dating” during a pandemic, she also didn’t want anything getting back to her parents. Until she got really, REALLY, serious with someone, she wanted those parts of her life kept completely separate.

For some reason, that concept was difficult for Billy-Bob to understand. He kept arguing with her and putting words in her mouth, saying she was embarrassed to be seen with him and that it was dumb to be worried about something like that. After a little back and forth, he finally withdrew and said, “okay, I can respect that.” Oh can you, now? Because based on the last 10 minutes of heated discussion, it doesn’t seem like you can. Red Flag #1, which she ignored (obvs).

So after they agreed not to meet near her place, she suggested they meet at a neutral location downtown. He agreed, but then went on a 20-minute tangent about not wanting to park downtown. “It’s so hard to navigate down there. There’s never any parking. What if it’s not free on the weekends? Are we meeting at this parking lot? What entrance are you talking about?”

To clarify, they had decided to go for a walk around a popular downtown park. The entrance she meant was the entrance directly in front of the parking lot they had agreed to meet at. Why he insisted they park in the same parking lot, she was never sure. What difference did it make where she parked, as long as they met up at the right spot??

By the time they had sorted that out, she was mentally exhausted. She told him how ridiculous that exchange was, and he agreed. Except he made it seem like she was the one who had made it so difficult because she had refused to allow him to meet her near her house. When in reality, he was the idiot who didn’t know how to drive or park downtown. Red Flag #2. Even still, she kept her plans with him to meet the next day. Apparently after two weeks of forced isolation, cooped up with her parents, she was willing to overlook a few things if it meant she could leave the house.

It was a Saturday. She drove downtown and found a parking spot no problem. After she parked, she checked her phone. He had messaged her three times telling her he was parked directly in front of the strip club that faced this parking lot. Truly. He mentioned it t-h-r-e-e times. Who the fuck cares that you’re parked near the strip club?! Get out of your car and wait for me, no??

She walked towards the strip club and saw his shaved head in the driver’s side of an old jalopy. Don’t even ask what kind of vehicle it was – it was a shit-box, that’s all she knew. He spotted her and got out of his car. As soon as she saw him in person, she immediately regretted her decision.

This guy looked NOTHING like his pictures. Well no, he did. But it was clear that those photos were a decade old, at least! The cute guy with light scruff that she thought she was meeting, turned out to be a chubby, prickly, frumpy potato man, dressed in sweat pants and a stained zip-up hoodie. Think Shawn Desman if he let himself go. He went to hug her hello. Thank fuck for pandemic protocols – “Sorry, no hugs. Covid.”

The night before, when Billy-Bob had suggested they go for a walk, he also suggested they smoke a joint together. She was all for smoking joints, but was not down for sharing germs with this stranger. In the midst of getting dressed, she grabbed her phone and ordered 2 pre-rolls from a pot shop near where they were meeting. After they exchanged hello’s, they walked in that direction, but he didn’t walk beside her. He kept walking behind her. If there were other people coming down the side walk from the other direction, she would have understood. But even when no one was around, he ended up behind her. WTF man?? How can you hold a conversation like that!?

As they approached the pot shop, she began putting on her mask. “Aw, don’t tell me you’re one of those!” he exclaimed. “We’re outside! You don’t need to wear your stupid mask outside!” She stopped at looked at him blankly, wondering if he was actually serious. Then she gestured vaguely to the left to indicate that, ta-da, they had arrived at their destination. She was just putting the mask on when she interacted with the employee at the curbside window. But even still, relax please!

If she wanted to wear her damn mask downtown, where there were still plenty of people around, she would! In fact, she probably should have worn it the entire time she was on her date! She didn’t know Billy-Bob! How did she know for sure he wouldn’t infect her?? Fuck off with your “don’t wear your mask outside” bullshit! She was ready to call it right then and there. If only she hadn’t been conditioned by society her entire life to be unquestionably nice all the god damn time.

She grabbed the weed and they headed towards the park, which was boppin’. People exercising and doing Yoga in the grass, people walking their dogs, families with kids riding their bikes. Most wearing masks, and most properly distanced. They found a bench under some trees, decently separated from others. Thankfully there was enough space that she could sit somewhat far away from him. She pulled out the pre-rolls and handed him one. He was surprised when she gave him his. “Oh, are you treating? I’ll have to get you next time!” he said. “Next time, yeah right!” she thought. They lit up, and so began the seemingly endless conversation about nothing.

He went on and on about how he worked for the government, how he was making all this money and was saving up to move out to the country. She was unimpressed. They live in a government town. Everyone works for the government. Also, if you’re making all this money, you could afford a clean hoodie. Or, gasp, maybe even just a nice long-sleeved shirt?! Then they got on to politics.

“I’m not big on politics,” he began. “But Trudeau this, Trudeau that…” And really, regardless of anyone’s feelings about Justin Trudeau, starting an argument about the Prime Minister is not ideal first date conversation. Then he got on to Trump. “I don’t know how those Americans could vote that old geezer, Biden, in. Who would vote for someone who’s about to die? He’s fucking up that country. I don’t care what you think about Donald Trump, he’d do a better job at running the country than Biden is,” he ranted. Red Flag number fucking three.

She tried to have a civilized discourse about this, more to clarify if he even really knew what he was talking about. But once he started talking about how Biden’s son had had drug problems, but that none of the Trump kids had ever done anything illegal (For real. He actually said those words), she knew he was just some hillbilly with an iPhone who got all his information from Fox news. Hence the nickname, Billy-Bob.

Finally, he said his stomach was grumbling and that he was hungry. She took that as an opportunity to get up and walk again, and to hopefully find a way to end this date early. As they began walking back towards the downtown core where all the restaurants were, she texted her friends in the group chat saying, “Help! This guy sssuuuccckkkkssss”, and asked for ideas of how to get out of there quickly. It was almost unanimous among them, “Tell him you got your period!” She tried not to laugh out loud.

As they approached a restaurant with a curbside menu, he suggested they split something. She told him she wasn’t hungry but was fine if he wanted to eat. It was like they were deciding where to park and meet up again. This guy could not make a decision to save his life! “Actually, do you think we could look for a bathroom?” she blurted out. That was it. She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get out of there, and Lady Problems were her only exit strategy.

They headed towards the McDonald’s that was always open; the place where she had spent many a drunken night after the bars in her younger days. The doors were locked. Open for delivery only. Then they checked the mall. All doors locked. Open for curbside pickup only. Gotta love lockdown, right?? “Can you hold it?” he asked obliviously. “Actually,” she began. “I’m pretty sure I just got my period. I don’t have my purse with me, so I’m unprepared. And with no bathrooms available, I think I have to cut this short…” “Oh damn! Yeah, okay. No problem!” he replied. Men are such gullible idiots.

They raced back towards the parking lot. She, leading the way because apparently Billy-Bob has a hard time walking next to people?? So weird. “Well, hey, maybe next time we could – ” She cut him off. “Okay thanks! Nice to meet you!” she shouted as she hurried away from him and got into her car. She texted her friends, “Did it! Heading home now, I’ll fill you in then lol”, as she hit reverse and got the hell out of there.

All she could do was laugh at how ridiculous that date was. As she got closer to home, she realized she hadn’t been gone that long. Her parents would have wondered why she was home so early after having lied and told them she was out helping her co-worker who had just moved in to a new place. So instead of going home, she picked up an almond milk iced coffee from Tim Hortons and headed towards some wooded trails close to her house. She grabbed the rest of her pre-roll that she hadn’t finished, took her iced coffee, and went to sit among the trees to relax, get stoned, and release all that weird date energy.

The perfect way to salvage what was actually a really beautiful Saturday afternoon.

Continue to Chapter Fourty Six