Author: LL30s

The next day at work, she spent the entire day just festering in her rage. She told her two friends about it in the group chat, she vented to her coworker as well. She usually felt better when she talked her problems out, but not this time. She was still so fucking angry.

Not only was she angry, she was in shock. This guy. This tall, cute, sweet-seeming guy did not at all appear to her to be the type of guy who would do something like that. Yes he was freaky with all the foot fetish stuff, but he had asked her permission for everything he wanted to try. So why, out of no where, would he take it upon himself to just finish all over her face like that?!

Was he just some lame, loser, man-boy who watched waayyyy too much porn? Well yes, very likely. But when they weren’t getting freaky; his attitude, his demeanor, his personality… he just seemed like such a nice guy! He was such a positive, sunshiney person. She did not at all expect that kind of behaviour from him. Nor did she expect to be kicked out and treated like a literal prostitute. (Not even! At least prostitutes get paid. She, apparently, let guys humiliate her for free!) This was the kind of shit she was used to throughout her toxic relationship, which just added to her fury. She was pissed off that she had been duped, again, by someone like her ex.

Monday came and went. By Tuesday, she was still upset, but the anger had dissipated slightly and she realized more than anything, her feelings were hurt. He crushed her by treating her that way. Yet again, another guy proved to her that she was only good for sex. She was nothing but a dirty whore to him. But that reality still just didn’t sit right with her because when they had met, and all throughout their first sexual encounter, he looked at her like the sun literally shone out of her ass. She saw a light in his eyes when they were on her. She had never felt about herself the way he made her feel when he was talking to her, telling her how gorgeous and amazing and awesome she was. (Obviously. Who wouldn’t like that?) But she felt seen by him. Until he used her as a disposable fuck toy.

Tuesday night, she was laying in bed watching TV. Her mind fading in and out from the show back to Chad. Then all of a sudden, IT HIT HER! She had the epiphany of all epiphanies! She realized what had actually happened.

When she and Chad were having sex and he asked her to swallow, she had then asked if he wanted to finish on her feet instead. Well, what if he didn’t hear “feet”?? He thought he heard her say the words, “do you want to cum on my face?”

That’s why he paused. He must have been surprised that she would ask for that.

That’s why he seemed disgusted and repulsed by her afterwards and wouldn’t cuddle with her when she got back in to bed.

That’s probably why he kicked her out so early. He thought she wanted him to do that on her face. He thought she liked being treated that way. No wonder his view of her changed, she thought.

She darted up in her bed and grabbed her phone. She wrote out a draft text and then spent the next 10 minutes editing it. When fighting with her ex, they would sometimes communicate via text messages to avoid all the yelling. She would have to ensure her words were expertly chosen so she wouldn’t receive his wrath. She took the time to write this text to Chad as if she were writing to him. But then she remembered that she did nothing wrong in this situation. That not only was Chad not her ex, but he was actually just some young, dumb guy to whom she owed absolutely nothing. That realization made it easier to send him this:

“Hello. I wasn’t going to message you because I was extremely upset with how things went when we last saw each other. I was furious that you would ask me to swallow but then you changed your mind without asking me and finished on my face. I’ve been so angry and shocked that you would do that because you really didn’t seem the type. But I just realized something. You thought you heard me ask you to cum on my face. I did not say that. I asked if you wanted to cum on my FEET. My face was muffled by the pillow and you must have misheard. I would never, in a million years, ask anyone to cum on my face. I fucking hate that. I can play the ‘whore’, but that is not something I would ever ask for. Then you asked me to leave so shortly after I got there and I couldn’t have been more insulted. But I’ve just realized what you must have thought of me in that moment. Anyways, it’s probably safe to say that after that, neither one of us is much interested in the other anymore. I just had to make sure you knew that that’s not what I said.”

She hit send and her stomach tied in knots. She then added, “You don’t need to reply to this” because she didn’t think she could handle anything more. She plugged her phone in to charge and resumed watching her show. Her hands were shaking. A few minutes later she grabbed her phone again to re-read her message and scrutinize every word. It was then she saw that he had called her immediately after receiving her text. She wanted to call him back but her dad was still awake in the room next to her and she didn’t want him to hear their conversation. She texted him an excuse as to why she couldn’t talk on the phone, to which he replied, “Ok all good going to bed” And that was the last she heard from him.

Once she realized what had actually happened, her anger faded and sadness took over. She was so disappointed that whatever could have happened with this seemingly nice guy, was all ruined now because of a lousy miscommunication. She still didn’t blame herself, but that’s when it registered to her how conditioned she had been to not speak up for herself and ask for what she wanted. Had she just stopped worrying about ruining the mood and said, “Wait! Stop! What are you doing?!” when he started to defile her face like that, maybe this entire thing could have been avoided?

She told her friends about her revelation the next morning. They reminded her that even before that miscommunication, the sex was already not great. She wasn’t in to all the freaky stuff he was in to, and even when she did ask for what she wanted, he was never able to come through for her and get her off the way she liked. Overall, the entire “relationship” wasn’t worth fighting for. And now, even if she did want to give him a chance if he were to reach out, she thought about how awkward it would be to look him in the eye again. She was also pretty certain that he could never see her the same way he had when they first met.

She was disappointed, but relieved to have figured out exactly what happened. It made her realize that she needed to be more assertive when asking for what she liked and wanted. As well as speaking up when she didn’t like or want something. She also realized that she had to let go of the subconscious fear she had of men’s reactions to her advocating for herself. These guys were not her ex. And if any of them did react to her concerns the way her ex would have, then they’re not worth her time anyways.

She felt satisfied and confident in her decision. Except for the small, nagging voice in the back of her mind dying to know what he would have said if she had answered the phone. Regardless of that unrelenting thought, she held firm in her choice not to contact him. And despite her track record which would suggest otherwise, she was hopeful that she would be able to stick to her guns this time.

Continue to Chapter Fourty Five

She was happy to have heard from Chad so soon after their hook up. They continued to chat over the next week, but never about anything important or deep. Always just the same pleasantries, “Hey gorgeous, how goes the day?” he’d ask. “Good, good. Busy morning. How’s your day going?” she’d reply.

She woke up Saturday morning to a text from Chad asking if she wanted to hang out that night. He had hoped she could come over to watch Hockey Night in Canada again. Unfortunately for him, she already had plans to hang out with her friend. And though she had already made these plans before she knew Chad, this friend happened to be an aesthetician and the owner of a successful mobile spa business. Months earlier for Christmas, her mom had purchased her a spa night gift certificate in support of her friends’ small business. Now that she had met Chad and she knew how into feet he was, she thought, what better time to combine her plans with her friend, and cash in on a mani/pedi as well?

When she had told Chad that she was unavailable on Saturday, he asked her when she wanted to see him again and they agreed to hang out the next day instead. He said he would text her, so she spent all of Sunday morning and early afternoon admiring her beautifully pedicured toes as she waited around to hear from him. Eventually he texted and reminded her that he worked on Sundays, so he’d only be free to hang out around 6pm. A little late for her on a Sunday. Also that info would have been nice to know when they arranged these plans… She thought about it and decided she still wanted to see him again so she agreed, despite the inconvenient timing.

Later that day, she drove the 34 minutes back out to the country. She texted him when she got there and waited in her car for his reply. She timed it and waited a full five minutes before texting him again. “Helloooo?” She got out of her car and awkwardly tip toed her way up his front steps. She felt like a stalker creeping up and peeking through the front window. She waited outside his front door for what felt like an eternity, constantly checking her phone for his reply. Finally he startled her as he exploded out of the house, catching his breath. “Sorry! My phone was charging. I didn’t see your texts…” he panted.

She was already annoyed, having had to wait so long even though he knew she was coming, so the vibe was off before he even opened the door. It had been off since he texted about not being able to hang out until later. Something just didn’t feel right to her, but she ignored it and told him, “No worries!” as she scurried inside.

Same awkward song and dance with his mom as they hurried past her and down to the basement again. She tossed her coat and purse onto the couch as she sat uncomfortably on the floor mattress. This time, there was no hockey, so he asked if she wanted to watch Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. The answer was no. No she did not want to watch that. She agreed, however, because she knew that’s not what they’d really be doing.

Sure enough, as soon as he hit play, he was kissing her. But not the sweet, slow, passionate kissing that he started with the last time they were together. This was sloppy, wet, porno kissing. Not what she was expecting, or really what she was into in that moment. But it’s not like she hated it…

That seemed to be the theme of whatever this relationship was with Chad. Everything he did was just a bit out of her comfort zone, but not so far out that she ran for the hills. She kept reasoning with herself for every flaw that came up, talking herself back in to enjoyment. What was it about this guy that kept her so drawn in?

Soon the sloppy kissing stopped and he was on his back, pulling her head down towards his junk. She told him to be gentle this time as he had really hurt her throat during their last encounter. She continued to pleasure him for a while, with zero attempts from him to touch or please her as she did it. Just hair pulling and head smooshing. Finally she had had enough, so she stopped and lay on her back, indicating that it was her turn.

He immediately began fingering her but with zero warm up. She needed some hot button rubbing to get her going before she’d be ready for him to shove his friggin hand inside of her. She told him again what she liked. He started to rub her there but, again, missing the mark. She kept guiding his hand until she finally just gave up and let him finger her, deciding she would take the reigns to get herself where she needed to go.

Things were feeling good. She was getting more into it and it started to feel better and better. While he was pleasuring her, he had adjusted himself so that they were both laying on their backs with their feet at each other’s heads. She was sucking his toes (at his request – she did not just offer up that service), and he had been sucking hers (because she knew he liked it. And again, not her first choice, but it wasn’t that bad). He commented on how much he loved her pedicure. And then, once she was really warmed up (from his fingers, not his feet), he asked, “Can I put my foot inside you? I saw it in a porno and it was so hot…”

“Did he just ask to fuck me with his foot??”

She froze and really didn’t know what to do. Did she want his fucking foot inside of her?? Absolutely not. Did she want him to get off on the kinky shit he liked, though? Yeah, sure. It’s weird because, she was definitely not into all this foot stuff, but she enjoyed seeing him get off on it. She just wished he could step his game up when it came to what made her feel that way.

After some hesitation, she told him he could try it. He tilted his head back and mouthed “yes!”, with excitement. She closed her eyes and imagined it was his hand. But as his big toe entered her, she freaked out and stopped him. She had become a very open-minded person after everything she had experienced throughout her toxic relationship, but some things were still just too much for her. For some reason though, she felt guilty for stopping him. He, however, seemed unbothered; quickly crawling up on top of her, kissing her instead. This time, she liked it.

He then grabbed a condom and they started having sex. He was on top of her, things were feeling really great. Then, without any warning… he fucking spit on her like she was the star of an amateur porn hub video. Pulling her hair from the front, spitting on her face and licking it up – just dirty, raunchy shit that she never would have asked for. Having been in a relationship with a porn addict for seven years, this was not her first time being used as a porn star stand in. She disliked it as much then as she had with her ex.

Should she have stopped him and said something in the moment about how she really didn’t like being spit on? Definitely. But at the risk of sounding like a broken record at this point, she later realized that her relationship with her ex had conditioned her not to speak up for herself in those situations. She had already stopped his foot thing, she didn’t want to protest again.

It appeared that subconsciously, she still had it in her head that sexual pleasure was primarily about the man, and her pleasure was secondary. Even though she knew that logic was unsound, it stopped her from saying anything in the moment. Her only thoughts at the time were that if she said anything, it would have wrecked the mood and stopped the sex. And in her experience, that would have meant that she would be in big trouble. Images flashed in her mind of her ex hovering over her, yelling and screaming as she cowered in a naked ball on the bed. She was terrified of going through that again, so she just let it happen.

They kept at it for a while until he told her he was ready to finish. He asked if she would swallow which, again, not her first choice, but also not her first time so… whatever, sure. Except she then had the idea for him to finish on her feet, instead. She thought that would be something that he’d really be in to, and it was better than taking a load in the mouth. When this idea had occurred to her, she was in an awkward position with her face somewhat muffled by the pillow. She asked, “do you want to cum on my feet?” He paused and said, “Ya we can do that…”

As she moved to adjust her position allowing him better access to her feet, he grabbed her by the throat and pushed her face down into the mattress. Sounds aggressive, but at this point we all know how much she enjoyed being choked. So for a split second, she thought that move was super hot. However, she knew that position wouldn’t allow for him to jizz on her feet, so she figured she would be swallowing. That is, until it became clear that he had decided in that moment, without consulting her, he would prefer to just cum all over her face instead.

In that split second of realization, she scrambled to move her hair out of the way and she closed her eyes to prepare. It happened so quickly, and it went literally everywhere. Her hair, her face, the mattress, his stomach. Fucking everywhere.

When he was done, she just lay there for a moment in complete and utter shock. In her mind she flashed back to the first time her ex had ever done that, and the fight they had afterwards. All the things he said to make her feel like a slut, like she had in some way wanted that to happen. She snapped herself out of it and slowly sat up, her hand beneath her chin in case anything dripped off. Always the lady, she pushed her instant rage down and simply asked him to hand her a Kleenex. “A little warning would have been nice,” she said through her gritted teeth. “I thought I was going to swallow it…” “That was hot!” was all he replied.

She wiped her face with several tissues and scrambled to find her clothes. dressing quickly. He laid back down on the bed and she went upstairs to wash her face. In the bathroom she scrubbed her cheeks and rinsed her hair, putting it up in a bun. She returned to the basement and he was just laying there, back to watching Jersey Shore.

She climbed back on to the mattress next to him and took a big swig of her water. Unlike the last time when she felt so comfortable and happy as she climbed back in next to him, this time he didn’t even adjust his position to welcome her into the bed. They both laid there awkwardly, their elbows invading each other’s space. She took it upon herself to link arms with him, and he held her hand which softened her anger for the moment, just slightly. But there was no conversation.

She lay there next to him, just stewing in her rage. She knew he was kinky and she didn’t have a problem playing the “whore”, to an extent. But if he was going to treat her like that during sex and humiliate her so grotesquely, the least he could do was treat her like a god damn queen afterwards! Instead, he just lay there silently watching TV like she wasn’t even there. She asked why he was so quiet and he replied that she had just drained him, but that he had enjoyed it. At least one of them had…

Chad put on another episode of Jersey Shore and she tried with all her might to pull out some conversation. To make it feel as comfortable as it was the last time they had had sex. But he would barely look at her now. The spark he had in his eye for her had faded and he didn’t see her the same way he had before that night. He was almost repulsed by her, she felt.

While they were having sex he kept saying, “you like being a little whore, don’t you?” This was not her first foray in to dirty talk. And what? – she’s going to reply, “Actually, no. I prefer to be respected and seen as an equal”?? In the moment, she just went with it. But also, sometimes Yes, she did like being a little whore! But that was during sex. Not afterwards! Being ignored and brushed aside after being spit and jizzed on, was really not her idea of a good time.

The second episode finished and instead of hitting play again, he sighed. She knew in that moment that he wanted her to leave. “Are you kicking me out??” she asked. He hmm’d and haahh’d, “Well… I was just thinking, I should probably have dinner. I’m super tired.. gotta work in the morning…”

“FUUUCCKKK YYOOOUUUU!!!” she screamed at him in her head.

She jumped up and threw her sweater back on, grabbed her coat and purse and was at the stairs before he was even off the mattress. “Y’know, it’s a really long drive to come out here for such a short time…” she said, trying to remain calm. He muttered out some more excuses and followed her upstairs. She put her shoes on as fast as she could and tried to leave quickly, but not before he leaned in for the most awkward goodbye kiss in the history of the world. She had been there for a whopping 90 minutes, including the 10 minutes she fucking waited outside.

She rushed down the front steps and got into her car. Driving home as the sun set, she couldn’t decide how she felt. She was more in shock than anything. Did that actually just happen?? Did that CHILD just use her as a cum dumpster and kick her to the curb?! (Basically a child. He was almost 4 years younger than her)

What the fucking fuck just happened?! Her hands gripped tighter on the steering wheel as she followed the winding roads back to the suburbs. By the time she was back in town, she was fucking fuming. And to top it off, she couldn’t even go home yet because she had told her parents she was going to a friends’ place and would likely be home between 9 – 10pm. It was 8:05pm when she pulled in to a Tim Horton’s parking lot just five minutes from her house. She waited there for 45 fucking minutes before going home so she wouldn’t have to explain why she was back so early.

She wanted to shower so badly, but knew that her parents would ask questions if she were to shower at night. Instead, she gave herself a little bird bath in her upstairs bathroom sink. Washing her face again, her feet, her legs, her vagina. Rinsing her hair again… Just utterly disgusted. But miraculously, she wasn’t disgusted with herself. This was surprising as it wouldn’t be unlike her to blame herself for a shitty experience with a guy. But this time she knew she did nothing wrong.

Was she the one to ask him to spit on her? Or lick her face? Or to do any of that freaky foot shit? No, that was all him. And she certainly did not invite him to finish on her fucking face!! Literally one of the most humiliating sex acts she had ever experienced. Yes, she went along with most of what he wanted, but he was the one doing it. He was the one enjoying it. Not her.

She told him what she wanted him to do for her, and he was terrible at it. He was the one in to the rough stuff – she didn’t ask for any of that. Agreeing to the things that he wanted to do didn’t make her a whore. It didn’t make her a slut. It didn’t maker her anything except a kind and generous lover! She did what he liked, what he wanted, what he asked for, and he did nothing to reciprocate.

She didn’t mind getting gross and dirty every now and then. Sometimes the best sex is the really dirty, raunchy, nasty sex where you both finish sweaty and satisfied. But after all she did for him and allowed him to do to her, to then not cuddle with her? To barely look at her or carry on a conversation? To kick her out after AN HOUR AND A HALF, making her feel like the biggest whore out there?! She was livid. Fucking furious. She wanted to drive all the way back there and just rat him out to his mom and tell her about what a fucking skeeze she had raised.

She wrote out a draft text for what she wanted to say to him if he were to text her the next day. Which he didn’t. He had used her and turned her into his little whore, and now he was done with her. The fact that this boy – not a man, a BOY – had used her like that, just made her want to murder someone. Instead, she hid all her dating profiles and decided that that was it for her for a while. She couldn’t win with the older guys. She couldn’t win with the younger guys. She couldn’t win with guys her age. Maybe it was time to start playing for the other team? “Lesbians are really on to something,” she thought. “Men fucking suck.”

She felt overcome by so many feelings. Anger, rage, fury all held strong at the top. But there were also overwhelming waves of shame, embarrassment, rejection, sadness… just to name a few. She crawled into bed after her little bird bath and just stared blankly at the wall until she fell asleep…

Continue to Chapter Fourty Four

She and Chad kept chatting here and there throughout the week, but she realized early on that he really wasn’t great at texting. He told her that he much preferred talking over the phone (what a psycho), so she had to remind herself to chill the fuck out when she wouldn’t hear back from him for hours at a time. She had hoped to meet up with him that weekend, but he already had plans. It wasn’t until the following Monday after their parking lot encounter when he asked if she wanted to hang out the next day.

She rolled her eyes. Of course he asked her to hang out on the ONLY night that week that she had plans. She asked if he was free on the Wednesday instead, and he said he would have to let her know. “Probably for the best”, she thought to herself. She knew that if they met up they would both want to have sex, and she had just gotten her period that Sunday.

After her experience with Craig in the hotel room all those months before, she wasn’t in a rush to meet up for more period sex. To her surprise, though, Chad ended up being free on the Wednesday and was eager to have her come over. She really wanted to see him and didn’t want to wait, so she decided she would have to just deal with the period thing, and hope that he was cool with it.

Wednesday arrived and she couldn’t stop thinking about him all day at work. When her shift ended, she nervously fixed herself up and drove out to the country where he lived. (What was with her and country guys?!) She texted Chad when she pulled in to the driveway and he came outside to meet her. As she walked in and took her shoes off at the front entrance, she looked up to see an older woman sitting in his kitchen. “That’s just my mom, chillin’” he said as he half-heartedly introduced them.

She stood there in shock for a moment before giving an awkward wave and thinking, “Oh don’t mind me. I’m just here to fuck your son…” She realized then that he had never flat out said that he lived on his own, but that she had just assumed he did. But who was she to judge? She was even older than he was and she was also back living with her parents. Still, it was definitely awkward AF.

Throughout the half hour drive out there, she kept going back and forth in her head about how she would address the whole period thing. She decided that she would just explain that because of her condition (PCOS), her period was very irregular and she never knew when she would get it, which is true. But, aw, just her luck! She felt cramps as she was driving out there and was now worried she would get it that day. That’s believable, right?!

As they got down to the basement, she asked where the washroom was. He told her, and she hurried back up to the bathroom at the top of the stairs. She took her Diva Cup out and went pee. As she finished and wiped herself, she had to do a double take – there was no blood! Her Diva Cup was empty and there was nothing on the toilet paper. What in the holy Universe was going on?! Did she actually just catch a break and her period ended just in time?! She knew she couldn’t be that lucky and that it would 100% come back once they had sex, but at least this gave her a more plausible explanation as to her not knowing she’d had her period.

She went back downstairs and sneakily put her Diva Cup in her coat pocket. She then asked, “so um, hypothetically, how do you feel about period sex?” He spun around and asked, eyes wide with surprise, “Wait, what? You have your period??” She lied and said, “No, no, but…” and went on to explain about her irregular periods and how when they have sex, it might trigger it. To her surprise and delight, he was totally cool with it and they got comfortable together on the mattress that he had set up on the floor in front of the TV. (Super sexy, right??)

They started watching the hockey game he had invited her over for. The entire scenario was actually fairly reminiscent of her first date with her ex-boyfriend. Her ex had invited her over to watch hockey and they ended up having sex between periods (Ha! Periods… no pun intended). She tried not to think about that experience with her ex, and to stay present with this cute, tall, albeit super young, new guy. Soon enough, they started making out. He complimented her on her kissing skills and before she knew it, his hand was down her pants. “You’re not bleeding at all!” he said. “Oh just you wait…” she thought.

She let him try to pleasure her for a few minutes, subtly guiding his hand to her hot button every now and then. And yet, he still kept missing the mark. She eventually became impatient and decided it was her turn to pleasure him. She started to do her thing when he aggressively pushed her head down and started thrusting. He had mentioned over text that he liked a rough BJ, but she hadn’t realized how rough. “Is that okay?!” he exclaimed with a look of concern on his face as she sat up, choking. She told him to be a bit gentler, and he obliged, for the most part. It was definitely still rougher than she would have liked, though.

Chad then asked if he should grab a condom. She said yes and began to assume her favourite position. “Actually, do you want to lay on your back?” he asked her. “Sure,” she replied and thought, “Great, less work for me!” She laid on her back, somewhat diagonally on the bed. “Actually, do you mind straightening out a bit?” he asked. “Man, this guy is specific!” she thought as she adjusted herself again.

He put on the condom and instead of climbing on top of her as she had expected, he took her right leg and spread it out as far as she could go, and laid down perpendicular to her. They began having sex and she quickly realized why he was in such an odd position. Earlier that day he had asked her over text if she was in to getting pedicures. She replied that yes, usually she was but that she hadn’t gotten it done in a while due to Covid.

He told her that he was really in to legs and feet. It was then that he showed her just how much, as he began to kiss her calf and lick her foot up and down, sucking on her toes also. “Your legs and feet are fucking amazing!” he said as he continued to thrust and lick. He particularly enjoyed the anchor tattoo on her calf, as well as her handmade anklet.

She had never been with anyone with a foot fetish before. Her ex was in to all kinds of risqué things, which he forced her to act out fairly often. None of which, though, had anything to do with feet. Her immediate instinct was to pull her foot away. Not only were her feet the most ticklish part of her body so it took everything in her power not to kick him in the face, but she had also worked all day in the same smelly socks and shoes which, had she known, she would have changed after work.

He didn’t seem to mind in the least. And when she thought about it, compared to all the weird things her ex had forced upon her, having her legs and feet kissed and licked really wasn’t that bad at all, so she tried her best to get in to it. As she got over the initial shock of the foot thing, she was able to get her mind back in the game and start to try to enjoy herself again. However, it was then that she noticed his own foot inching closer and closer to her face.

She brushed it off at first but soon realized that he wanted her to suck on his toes also. That, she thought, was where she’d draw the line. She was sooo not in to that. But she looked at his foot and saw how clean it was – no hairs, no snaggle nails, and they smelled like soap. “Fuck it! Might as well go all the way with this shit…” she thought to herself as she closed her eyes and took his big toe in her mouth.

It was an instant thrill for him and the sex all of a sudden became that much better for her, also. They kept at it for a while. “Oh fuck, you’re so wet!” he exclaimed. “Hm yeah, that’s blood!” she thought to herself, feeling a huge déja vu to her experience with Craig. She hoped Chad would be cooler about it than Craig was once they finished.

Soon enough, they were done. Chad crawled towards her and kissed her deeply. This wasn’t the same pleasurable experience she had had with Steve. Not only did he barely get her warmed up because he couldn’t seem to find her hot button, but she had also been so concerned about her period the whole time, that she wasn’t really able to vocalize what she really wanted. Oh, and also the whole foot fetish thing had really thrown her off.

She felt content with the experience in general, though. It certainly wasn’t the best sex she had ever had, but she enjoyed the intimacy afterwards and Chad’s unwavering attraction to her kept her ego boosted and her heart happy. It was then, though, that they both noticed that, yep, she had her period. She asked Chad if he had any Kleenex, and he headed upstairs to grab some. Since he was going up, she asked if he minded going outside to grab her backpack from her car. She had her hair brush and makeup in there and knew she would need to freshen up.

He went upstairs and she just sat there, half naked and bleeding on his mattress. Thank goodness for dark sheets. She grabbed her Diva Cup and put it back in, but now her hands her a bloody mess. He returned with her backpack, but no Kleenex. “Um, hello! Where’s your sense of urgency! I’m sitting here dripping on your mattress, with blood on my hands like I just murdered someone!!” she scolded him in her head. He strolled back upstairs and came back with a roll of toilet paper. She rolled her eyes. This would not help. So she did what she had to do and spit on the toilet paper, allowing herself to wipe her hands just enough that she could get dressed and go upstairs to wash them properly.

She fixed herself up in the bathroom, and awkwardly walked back down to the basement. She thought Chad would be grossed out and put off by her visit from Aunt Flo. However, she reminded herself that though period sex is one thing, springing a foot fetish on someone was also somewhat alarming and that if she could be cool with him being in to feet, he should very well be cool with something as natural as a woman getting her period.

Fortunately, he was. She came back downstairs to find Chad just chillin on the couch, watching hockey and waiting for her to come back. They cuddled on the mattress together and watched the rest of the game. They kissed and held hands and she was more comfortable with him after one afternoon, than she had ever felt in the seven years she had spent with her ex.

It was a week night. She couldn’t stay too late as she had to get up for work the next day. He walked her out and they agreed to hang out again another time. Though she was hopeful, she had yet to have a second date with any of the guys she’d met online, so she wasn’t going to hold her breath.

Imagine her great surprise, then, when she heard from him the next afternoon…

Continue to Chapter Fourty Three

A week or two after her experience with Steve, she received a new follower notification on Instagram. She had recently added her Instagram handle to her dating profiles and had received a few new followers as a result. She checked the notification and saw the profile of a tall, blonde, extremely cute guy. She looked closer and could have sworn she recognized him from somewhere. Though she did live in a somewhat “big” city, the connections between people in that city made it feel more like a really small town. She was sure she had met him before somewhere.

She wanted to message him immediately but thought better of it and waited until the next day. That night when she was swiping on her dating apps again, she got so excited when she came across his profile. She swiped right and it was a match (shocker)! He was 30 years old, so a few years younger than she, and his name was Chad (not actually his real name, but definitely something equally as douche-y).

She had set her age limits on her apps to range between 30 and 40 years old. So 30 was the youngest she was willing to go. She had never been with a younger guy, but her experience with older men (both in person and online) hadn’t been all that great. Steve had been a huge letdown, and the older guys she chatted with online all came off as bitter and resentful. On the opposite end of the spectrum, younger guys hadn’t been jaded by the world yet and seemed so happy and positive, so she decided not to be put off by his age.

The next afternoon on her lunch break she sent Chad a message saying hello and told him he looked really familiar to her, asking if he had gone to her high school. Shortly thereafter she received that absolute cutest voice message she had ever heard. Chad replied to her questions that no, he hadn’t gone to the same high school as her, but explained that he had seen her on one of the dating apps, thought that she was drop dead gorgeous and just absolutely had to add her on Instagram. He asked her about herself and continued dishing out the compliments.

She was blown away. Not only that he was so forward and complimentary, but the fact that he sent a voice text allowed her to “meet” him more fully, for lack of a better term, than she would have simply over text. She messaged him back, thanking him for all the kind words, and they agreed to chat a little later on that day.

That night while she was stoned watching Netflix, she saw her phone light up. Chad was calling her. Who the FUCK calls anyone these days?! Unless it was her mother or her doctor, she never spoke to anyone over the phone. She watched the call go on until he hung up, then he sent her a text right after asking her to call him back and saying that he wanted to chat and get to know her. She waited about half an hour before she went out to the garage to smoke a joint and call him back. She was so nervous. She let it ring six times before hanging up. Hey, at least she tried, right?

The next morning she received a text from him apologizing for missing her call, explaining that he had fallen asleep. They chatted a bit more throughout the day and arranged another time for a phone call; that afternoon after she had finished work. She felt much more comfortable chatting with him on the phone in the privacy of her own car, rather than at home where her parents could possibly hear her.

He called her at 4:30pm on the dot and they spoke for a few minutes. He asked where she worked, and she told him. They then realized that he was literally 3 minutes away from her. All of a sudden, this cute guy she thought she might really be in to was on his way over to meet her. She had a mild, mini panic attack worrying that her appearance wasn’t good enough that day to meet up with a guy.

She hadn’t showered, her hair was up in a ratty old bun, and she had just worked all day so she felt all sweaty and gross. There was no turning back now, though. He was already pulling up to her work. She watched him reverse and re-park his car twice as he called her to tell her he had arrived. She waved to him from her car that was parked in the actual parking lot, not on the road where he had parked, and he started walking towards her.

As he approached her, she realized what attracted her to him. He kind of reminded her of Machine Gun Kelly. She and two of her girlfriends had had an ongoing debate over the last several months over who was hotter, Machine Gun Kelly or Pete Davidson from SNL (the link between them that brought on the comparison was that they had been in a movie together and were apparently good friends in real life). Both of her friends were 100% on Team Pete, whereas she was all aboard Team MGK. It would appear that her type was tall, blonde and skinny.

As Chad approached her, she saw his eyes widen with delight as he scanned her up and down. He hugged her and she just instinctively melted into his embrace. The chemistry was there from the instant they set eyes on each other and any concerns she had had about literally anything, had vanished.

They sat on the hood of her car and chatted. She watched his eyes continue to scan her, and she noticed how much he seemed to be looking at her legs. As they chatted, he gave her knee a sweet li’l squeeze and she felt her stomach explode with butterflies. He explained that he was heading out to meet up with a friend but that he couldn’t resist the opportunity to meet her. He told her how stunning she was and how happy he was that she had messaged him. They each gave a brief rundown of their own stories and made tentative plans to meet up again.

This little meet-cute couldn’t have lasted longer than 15 minutes. Even so, she had butterflies galore and could barely contain her excitement in anticipation of their next rendezvous.

Continue to Chapter Fourty Two

When she got home from her pleasure filled evening, she went upstairs to nap as she had barely slept the night before. When she woke up later that day, she opened her dating app to creep Steve’s profile and relive her amazing night, only to find… he un-matched with her.

They hadn’t exchanged numbers. And now, after what she thought was a fun and satisfying night for both of them, it appeared that she had been ghosted. Her heart sank and her stomach tied in knots. Her mind raced with a million different questions; Why?? Why did he un-match? What did she do? What didn’t she do? What was wrong with her??

She was sure it had something to do with her “gross, disgusting body”. “Fuck all the weight loss,” she thought. She told herself that her stomach was still fat and saggy in some places and so obviously she was too disgusting for anyone to want to be with. Obviously she wasn’t good enough for him – for anyone. She was still stupid and naïve and gross and undesirable. All these negative thoughts filled her brain as she just sat on her bed thinking. Worrying. Spiraling dangerously close to the dark place she had resided in her mind not so long ago. It’s honestly mind blowing how quickly one can regress when faced with a situation like this, regardless of any growth or healing they’ve done.

She hadn’t felt that low in some time, so she tried to stay positive. She tried to remind herself that her value is not based on what someone else thinks of her. She was worthy of love, kindness, affection and respect, regardless of what her body looked like. However, the sting of rejection was hot and piercing.

She went downstairs and ate another pot brownie. Once she was stoned, she lay on her bed with her earbuds in, listening to her favourite indie/pop music to get herself back into a more positive headspace. It worked for that moment and she was able to carry on the rest of the day, somewhat, as if nothing had happened. But even that Monday, she still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of her insecurities and low self worth. She went all day hating herself, but not wanting to burden anyone with her negative, whiny, self-hating thoughts. She wished she still had a therapist to turn to, but since she didn’t, she just kept it all in.

By early Monday evening, however, she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t keep her feelings bottled up in her head any longer or she was going to explode. She texted her two friends in their group chat and, thank the universe and the stars above, her friends let her vent all her self-deprecating ramblings to them. No judgement, just some listening ears and sound advice.

She unloaded her seemingly unending neuroses on them, and they told her that maybe he just wasn’t ready for all that? He was in the middle of a divorce, after all. Who knows what he was feeling? He had told her that she was his first since his ex-wife, so maybe her friends were right and he just wasn’t ready for anything with anyone at that moment. Some guys do have feelings too, right??

One of her friends dropped this nugget of knowledge on her and said, “Hating your body isn’t going to make a shitty guy be more in to you. They’ll be shitty anyway, at some point.” Which is so incredibly true. Her hating herself wouldn’t change the fact that this guy un-matched with her. All it would do is make it more difficult for her to let herself meet someone else.

Her other friend chimed in saying, “I know that you think it’s physical, but to the right guy, those little things won’t matter.” That friend had also consulted her husband about this situation, and she found it insightful to get the male’s perspective. Her friend’s husband said that if it were him, and he had brought some random woman back to his house, the place where he spends time with his children, so shortly after a separation, that he would feel like a huge slime ball. He confirmed what her friend had said, that likely it was all just too overwhelming for him. And that might also explain why he never tried to have sex with her.

All of that could very well be true. And it did comfort her to think that his rejection of her might not have had anything to do with her at all. At the same time, however, it infuriated her that he would have just cut all ties like that. “Grow up!” she thought. This guy was fucking 40 years old, two kids, a job, a house… Grow some fucking balls and tell her straight up, “I had a nice time with you but unfortunately I realized that I’m just not ready to jump back in to dating right now.” How hard would that have been??

Still, she felt much better after talking to her friends. She hated dumping all her emotional shit on them (that’s what this blog is for 😉), but she was going crazy just thinking about it and keeping it bottled up. Once she let it out and was able to receive such sound advice from two people who know her better than most, she was able to take a nice deep breath and let it go.

She was happy to have had the experience itself, because it really was incredible. But now, it just was what it was. It’s not like she wanted anything more serious with this divorced father of two. So really, what was she holding on to? The rejection of it all? No thanks. Better to appreciate the pleasurable parts of her evening and let go of the rest. Hopefully she’d have better luck on her date the following weekend.

She messaged Fragile Masculinity Guy that Wednesday and told him which day she was free that weekend. She knew she wouldn’t get a reply until later in the week, so when she still hadn’t heard from him by Friday, she wasn’t surprised. But then she never heard from him Saturday either. Not great for the ego, especially after the overwhelming rejection from being ghosted by Steve. So, she rolled up a fatty and threw a frozen pizza in the oven.

“Fuck online dating!” she thought to herself as she went out to smoke her joint. She opened Tinder as she puffed away. Old habits die hard, apparently…

Continue to Chapter Fourty One

Her random Tinder date texted her when he was outside and she hurried out to meet him. She got into his car and was greeted by his handsome, chiseled face and bright smile. “Hello Steve!”, she thought. (Oh, apparently we’re calling him Steve?)

They drove back to his place out in the country. Dark farm land as far as the eye could see. They chatted about all sorts of things on the drive out there. One of which was that she was really in to music, and he wasn’t. In fact, he told her, when The Tragically Hip were doing their farewell tour because Gord Downie was dying of brain cancer, he found himself nodding and agreeing with people, “oh it’s so sad, what a tragedy”, yet he truly had no idea who Gord Downie was.

This fact baffled her because she had grown up listening to and loving Canada’s favourite band. Kingston’s own – The Tragically Hip. Gord Downie was a huge celebrity and a Canadian icon in her eyes. She was heartbroken and devastated when he died. “Potential red flag?”, she thought, only half-jokingly, to herself. They laughed about their different tastes in music and continued their conversation.

Once they arrived and had gotten comfortable at his place, they each had some pot brownies that she had brought from her parent’s party, and he poured them both something to drink. Gin on the rocks for himself. And for her, one random Grower’s cider/cooler he had in the back of the fridge.

He put on some music and they cuddled up together on the couch. They joked and flirted. Their feet intertwined on the chaise part of his sectional couch. So much of her life already felt like she was back in high school – living at home, having had to borrow her parents car, lying to her parents and sneaking out to meet boys… and this experience was no different.

She felt like a teenager again. The excitement, the butterflies, the awkwardness. Even the music. Late 90’s/early 2000’s rap and R&B, to be specific. She found herself sitting beside him grooving to Notorious BIG and JaRule. She laughed to herself that Steve may not have known who Gord Downie was, but at least this blonde haired, blue eyed, white guy had solid taste in classic rap and R&B.

They put on a movie and, as expected, they got closer. And closer. And soon they were making out. But like – really good, hot, making out. The awkward high school feeling had dissipated and now she was with a man. A sexy, strong, dominant man who took matters in to his own hands when she was too shy to start anything. As they continued their passionate kiss, he tugged hard at her hair and pulled her head back, kissing her neck softly and sensually. Her entire body tingled.

He then put his hand on her throat and held tightly as he kissed her deeply. It was in that moment that she remembered that they had talked about this a while back – how he found choking to be a huge turn on, and so did she. All of a sudden her excitement and passion doubled. She knew she was in for something good. And sure enough, he did not disappoint. He teased her for what felt like hours. Coming in for a kiss and pulling away, while he held her hands above her head with one hand and lightly tickled her up and down with the other.

Then, he moved his hand slowly behind her head, gripped the scruff of her neck and lifted her up to standing. He pulled her head back and began kissing her neck again. It was for sure a super hot moment, until she realized they had somewhat started dancing?! She was all of a sudden acutely aware of the movie being paused and the music being back on, and that she was slow dancing topless to Waterfalls by TLC (classic). It took everything she had not to burst out laughing. If her life weren’t enough like high school already, let’s add the soundtrack to a Grade 10 dance!

They didn’t “dance” for too long before he wrapped his strong, muscular arm around the back of her neck and lowered her back down to the couch. He moved his hands slowly down the sides of her body and placed his hands tightly on her waist. She could feel the tips of his fingers grip her lower rib cage and she felt so petite as he held her. Though, she was still completely self conscious about her stomach.

It’s a feeling that just never goes away, regardless of any weight that she had lost. But she was also completely comfortable at the same time. He showed no signs of disinterest or repulsion towards her not-completely-toned-somewhat-still-chubby-belly, which was her worry. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He kissed and touched and seemed to enjoy every inch of her. He actually seemed to get off more on worshipping her body rather than anything else they were doing.

He stared her deep in the eyes as he gripped her throat with one hand and started to pleasure her with the other. It was then that a cover of Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers came on the playlist. She immediately pictured Patrick Swayze cuddled up to Demi Moore at her pottery wheel. The sensual yet corny feeling of that scene from Ghost played in her head, awkwardly distracting her from the pleasure she was experiencing. It took everything she had not to sing along over-dramatically as she would have in any other situation. It’s just a good song, okay!? Fortunately, he was very good at what he did and she was able to resume focus on the incredible sensations he was giving her.

She and Steve enjoyed each other for hours. He was the most caring, concerned, generous guy she had ever been with. He made a point to ask, “does that feel good?”, “do you like that?”, “tell me if that’s okay…” She had never in her life been with anyone more concerned about her comfort, well being, and pleasure. The entire experience was basically all about her. Yes she returned the favours, of course, but he seemed happier and more turned on by making her feel good. He pleasured her like she hadn’t been pleasured in years, maybe ever, but never once did he try to have sex with her. They did everything but – and it was fucking fantastic. He knew exactly what he was doing and she enjoyed every satisfying moment of it. It was 2:30am by the time they finished.

They went to his bedroom and immediately she felt like she was in a college guy’s dorm room. (They had graduated from high school, apparently) Typical single guy IKEA bed, nothing on the walls, clothes on the floor beside the hamper, not in it. She was unbothered. They got into bed where he fell asleep in minutes and she tossed and turned all night because, duh – she can’t sleep anywhere. Morning came and so did they, again. Nothing like waking up to morning sex (except not sex).

She couldn’t believe how her night had turned around and what a great experience she had had. They got dressed and decided to go grab a coffee, but then agreed he would just drive her home at that point anyways. It was a fun, spontaneous, comfortable, consensual, incredibly pleasurable experience that she was so happy she agreed to instead of letting her fear and insecurities get in the way.

Continue to Chapter Fourty

Lockdown had really taken it out of her. Her desire to be out experiencing life had dwindled as she became accustomed to being stuck indoors, as well as becoming very well acquainted with her introverted side. Even so, she had continued chatting with guys on dating apps to keep her options open for whenever lockdown was lifted.

She had been chatting with a tall, dark haired 30-year-old mechanic with tattoos since just after Christmas. He was hot and nice and tall and funny; exactly what she was looking for. Up until that point, she hadn’t really invested anything into any of the conversations or interactions she’d had with guys. But she found herself really hoping that she would be able to meet up with this one.

They didn’t talk too often at first. He would message her sporadically but when he did, he was always interested in whatever she had to say. Which, let’s face it, was often just the same old thing because, in lockdown, life is just one consecutive Monday. Don’t misunderstand, they definitely had some sexy chats, as well. But overall their interactions had been fairly G rated. The most explicit pics she ever sent him were cleavage shots in her sports bra after a workout because he had told her that he’s a big “boob man”. It didn’t get any racier than that, which is what made her realize that she was actually kind of in to him.

A week or so before society opened up again, she and he had been messaging and she asked if he wanted to meet up when lockdown was over. He said yes, except he was still skeptical of meeting people because of Covid. That only made her want to meet him more, but she agreed to wait. Eventually though, after lockdown had been lifted for about a week, she asked him if he wanted to meet even just for a walk or to grab a coffee? His reply was, “Ooooh”. She waited an hour before replying, giving him a chance to add an actual real response to her question, which he never did.

She had lost patience at this point. Even before this, their conversations had started dwindling because you can only make so much small talk with a person before finally meeting them. So she then replied, “Based on the lack of a real response, I guess I have my answer. No worries, never mind.” To which he replied instantly, instead of half an hour later as he typically would. “No! Sorry! I read that as I was doing the dishes and forgot to respond” he said. A likely story, but then he continued, “Yes! Let’s do something. Coffee and a walk?”

She told him to message her later that week to discuss the details. But alas, who could have predicted? – He never texted her. She didn’t really expect him to, though. She had come to terms with the fact that this guy was basically just using her for cleavage pics in a time when it wasn’t necessarily safe to be out seeing cleavage in real life. But she didn’t want that. She wanted to meet someone. Go out for a drink or a walk or whatever – just something!

In addition to her sporadic conversations with Mr. Mechanic, she had continued to chat with other guys as well. The guy she had been chatting with back in December, the one she played 20 Questions with and who seemed jealous of her chatting with other guys (Chapter Thirty Six, for reference) had ended up messaging her in early February, shortly before lockdown was to be lifted. As annoying as that fragile masculinity moment had been, he was actually really sweet and charming, and he ended up asking her out whenever lockdown was over. She agreed, but then he went cold again after they made that tentative plan. It wasn’t until after lockdown was over that she heard from him again. It was a Saturday, and they flirted with each other all afternoon. It was her second weekend of freedom yet she had no plans, so she had asked him if he wanted to get together that night. Unfortunately, he was too hungover from partying the night before, so they made plans for the following weekend instead.

She had, thus, resigned herself to staying in that night. However, it wouldn’t be just a quiet evening at home like she had expected. Her parents were having friends over for dinner and drinks and they invited her to join them. Having nothing else planned, she agreed. This was no ordinary old folks get together, though. One of her parent’s friends grew weed in his backyard and came flush with edibles to share with the group. Pot brownies and weed gummies galore. She had one of each and a glass of wine, and before she knew it she was tipsy and buzzed and feelin’ all kinds of alright. She enjoyed the delicious dinner her parents made, and she laughed with them and their friends, genuinely enjoying her evening.

It was almost 8 o’clock. They had eaten, they had tidied up the kitchen, and she was thinking about heading up to bed as her parents pulled out some kind of marble board game. It was then that she realized the dishes still needed to be done. She made a plan in her head to finish those up then head upstairs. As she stood up and walked towards the kitchen, she checked her phone and saw a Tinder notification. She checked it and saw that it was a guy she hadn’t really chatted with for several weeks.

He was 40, divorced, two kids, and owned a house out in the country. He looked like your typical cis-gender white guy. Like he played hockey in high school and now wears a collared shirt and tie and works behind a desk all day. Basic Bitch aesthetic aside, he was still super hot. She remembered he had always been so polite and friendly during their conversations. And while they may have touched on the subject of sex, he never overtly went too far with it. She was happy to see his message.

He asked her what she was up to that night and if she wanted to get together. At that point she was more than tipsy, and was extra stoned so, though her immediate answer was “YES!”, she took some time to think about it before she replied. As she finished the dishes she decided that yes, she did want to go.

He sent her his own address in case she wanted to let someone know where she’d be, and he reassured her that if at any point she wanted to leave, he would bring her home. She felt comfortable and at ease, but now all of a sudden she had to figure out how she was going to leave her parents party to go hang out with some random guy from the internet. She told her parents that she was invited over to a friend’s place at the last minute, and that she would be taking an Uber. Her parents thought nothing of it and wished her a fun evening. She ran upstairs to freshen up before he arrived to pick her up. She was tingling with anticipation of what the night now had in store for her…

Continue to Chapter Thirty Nine

Back in November, she had finished work and was walking across the downtown core to go meet up with some friends for a “socially distanced” patio dinner. She was early and she really had to pee. On her way to the restaurant, she tried to run in to a nearby chain bookstore. One of those big ones with the Starbucks’ in them. Unfortunately, she was told that their bathrooms were closed due to Covid protocols. She would have to backtrack towards the mall so she didn’t pee her pants. In her rush to head back, she almost smashed into a guy walking opposite her on the sidewalk. He seemed like he was 10 feet tall. She looked up to apologize for her clumsiness when she realized – “wait! I know this guy!”

Of all the people she could have run in to in that random moment downtown, she happened to run in to a guy she knew through her ex. Carl, we’ll call him. This guy was good friends with a close buddy of her ex’s. They had gone on several camping trips together throughout her relationship. She had met and gotten close to his (then)girlfriend. She knew this guy Carl well enough, but never in a million years would she have tried to reach out to him when she moved back to her home town. Yet now here she was, literally running in to him. It never ceased to amaze her what a small town that big city was.

They got to chatting, her bladder seemingly less in need of release. Carl couldn’t believe how great she looked and couldn’t stop telling her. That was nice to hear. Part of her hoped the news would reach her ex, but Carl told her that he hadn’t spoken to him in several months. Then the compliments continued and she knew he no longer saw her as his buddy’s chubby girlfriend. He was looking at her the way she looked at pizza.

She knew he was now hitting on her and, again, was complimented by it but just didn’t feel the same way. He wasn’t making her feel uncomfortable or anything. He was actually really friendly and funny and interesting, and it was really great catching up. He asked her if she wanted to get together for coffee sometime, to which she agreed but assumed, like most casual interactions of that kind, it likely might not happen. They hugged awkwardly which she immediately regretted because like, ah! Covid!, but that worry dissipated as her bladder filled back up and she had to literally run to the mall bathroom before she exploded.

Later during dinner, she received a Facebook message from him saying how great it was to see her and that he really did hope they would be able to get together. She didn’t reply until she got home later that night. After having thought about it over the course of her evening, she figured it couldn’t hurt to meet up with him. He had always been super nice to her whenever they had hung out. He was smart, funny, a great conversationalist, and he was actually an accomplished amateur nature photographer which she found very impressive.

He was attractive enough, but not her usual type. Was it mentioned that he was 6’5? An actual tall guy wanted to take her out! However, she had just never seen him in a romantic light before. And despite all his great qualities, to her he would always just be a guy that reminded her of her ex. Still, she decided that yes, she’d be down to go grab a coffee and catch up. She left the ball in his court and then never heard from him, which she was totally cool with. Less pressure for her to actually follow through.

That is, until, he contacted her in January. One random Thursday evening, she was watching Family Feud with her parents as she did every night because her life was super exciting (Seriously people, relax with the jealousy), when she received another message from him asking if that coffee date was still on the table. He suggested they just go out and grab one, or if she were brave enough (pandemic wise) she could go over to his place for coffee and he would make them lunch. At that point, they were all still in lockdown and he even lived across the bridge where they had a curfew of 8pm. The rules were cracking down to try to get this fucking pandemic under control, so she was now even more hesitant to meet up. She thought about it a bit, though, and decided she was tired of the boredom from staying in. So instead of going over to his house, she suggested they just go for a walk. He agreed, and they made plans for the following weekend.

Carl contacted her the next week and they decided to check out a sweet little trail closer to her end of town. She became more and more anxious as the day approached. That Sunday, she got ready and nervously drove out to meet him. Unfortunately, he had mis-remembered the correct bus route he should have taken so she ended up having to leave the trail where she had been waiting, to go pick him up. This actually worked out better for her, though, because if she were driving, she couldn’t be nervous. She had to focus on the road which left no room for awkwardness.

They arrived back at the trail and it was already way more comfortable than she had anticipated. He filled her in on his job and the success he was having after having struggled for the last several years due to his relationship with his ex, as well as professional set backs. She was happy for him that he was doing so well. But of course, they also talked about her and her ex. It was the common ground they had together. She filled him in on why they broke up and what she had been doing since. He complimented her on her success and she on his.

Then, Carl suggested they go sit down on some nearby benches. He took off his backpack and pulled out two sandwiches, some danishes and other baked goods, a bottle of water for her, and an energy drink for him. He had actually gone to a downtown market on his bus ride over there, and bought them a little winter picnic. How cute and thoughtful is that?! She was surprised and flattered. All of a sudden, it felt like she was on an actual date with a really nice guy. How weird for her. It was then, though, over a sandwich and an energy drink, that they began discussing the more nitty-gritty parts of their respective relationships.

As he told her about his ex and how she had cheated on him with her now-husband, he then went on to inform her that he was fairly certain that her ex had cheated on her. Several times. As often as he could, in fact. Which really, wasn’t very often. But often enough, apparently.

She was shocked and in disbelief. Carl asked if her ex’s friend, the guy that he was also friends with, had ever come visit them when they were living in Northern Ontario. She said that yes, he had. He then asked if that friend and her ex had gone out together alone that weekend.

She really couldn’t remember. She remembered the three of them going out for dinner, but couldn’t recall if the boys had gone out alone later. He then basically confirmed that they had, even though he wasn’t there. She thought back hard but truly had no recollection of how the night had ended. Likely because she would have been stoned and a little tipsy and had probably just gone to bed. Is that when they could have gone out? She had so many questions and she cursed her spotty stoner memory.

Carl said that he didn’t know for sure, but that the friend had basically implied that they had gone to a strip club that night. He couldn’t say with absolute certainty, but he was fairly sure that that was just one of the times he had cheated. She wondered if he actually in fact could say for certain, because it felt like the friend had basically told Carl all of that verbatim. She figured he was trying to salvage what was left of his “bro-code” by remaining somewhat vague.

Not only that, though. He also recalled a time that they had all gone camping – her and her ex and Carl and their friend. Carl said that while he was strolling around the campsite taking his nature photographs, he was listening to her ex’s conversation with this friend. They were talking about other women, and the friend asked her ex how she felt about him and his perverted, sex-crazy ways. Her ex casually responded with, “Oh her? She doesn’t matter. She’s just my blow job machine.” (Pause for immediate outrage.) Carl then said he looked up from his camera at her, and she was just sitting across the fire pit, looking dead inside. He didn’t think she had heard, which she hadn’t, but he said that it was on that camping trip that her ex and this friend talked about all the times he had cheated on her, most of the time when this friend had been visiting.

She was blown away. Livid at the thought of her ex actually saying those disgusting words about someone he supposedly “loved”. She was furious and completely insulted, but not surprised. This was definitely something he could have done. However, she just really never thought he had cheated. They were together basically 24/7. When could he have had the time? She knew it was entirely possible for him to have had an online affair because he had been on and off dating apps throughout their entire relationship. But to actually, physically, cheat on her – she just really believed that he never had. She was disappointed she never knew because that would have been an easy final straw to have ended their relationship much earlier. Guess not, though. She was just left in the dark all those years. Either by his expert lies, or her persistent willful ignorance.

She and Carl stayed on the subject for a while but it got to the point where she couldn’t listen or talk about it anymore. They continued their walk and talked about other more current subjects. When they completed the loop a second time they decided to call it a day and went back to her car. She drove him back to the bus stop and they agreed to get together again after lockdown was lifted.

As she drove away, she thought about how nice this guy was. How they had actually been through similar situations because his ex-girlfriend had been emotionally abusive to him as well. Physically, also. She was able to hit and punch and hurt this giant man because he refused to ever lift a finger to retaliate. She knew he understood how she was feeling. Not only because he had been through a similar situation, but because he had literally seen her go through her own shit with her ex. As she drove home, reflecting on her enjoyable afternoon, her hands began to clench down on the steering wheel. Her jaw started to tighten and her shoulders tensed up. She began vibrating with rage.

She was angry that she had been fooled. She wished she had followed through on any number of the red flags she had ignored. She was mad at herself but, once again, her fury still rested primarily on him. She had had to run some errands after her date, so in her fit of fury, she sat parked in the grocery store parking lot and texted another one of her ex’s friends to ask if he had ever heard anything about this. She needed to get some fucking confirmation.

This friend was someone she trusted implicitly. He was probably one of the nicest guys she had ever met. She remembered a time one afternoon, all those years ago when they first met and barley knew each other, he stood up for her against her ex. That entire afternoon her ex had continuously, repeatedly, excessively been calling her bitch “as a joke” (kind of like what’s his name from Breaking Bad). She had just been blocking it out. Ignoring it. But this guy eventually stood up and said, “dude, come on! Stop calling her a bitch!”

It stopped her ex in his tracks. He apologized and tried to laugh it off. He was embarrassed and she was surprised. Grateful to all of a sudden feel seen. She wondered how a great guy like that would be friends with a shitty guy like her ex? He and his lovely and amazing girlfriend are still her very close friends. They even invited her to visit them after she had broken up with her ex, just before Covid hit. She knew that she would get a straight answer from him.

After she texted him, though, she realized that her ex never would have told this friend anything about him cheating. His friend wouldn’t have hesitated to give him shit about it so she figured it was a dead end. Sure enough, he replied to her saying that he hadn’t heard, nor had he ever seen, anything regarding her ex being unfaithful. Still, she knew Carl wouldn’t just be saying that for the sake of saying it.

She knew for a fact that he had made out with a girl from his college when they were living in that small town. Who knows if that’s actually all he did? But she also knew about his porn obsession and all the bullshit he did online. So many sex sites and porn and chatting with other girls and… ugh. That could fill an entirely different chapter… (And this is just the stuff he actually told her about! Who knows what else he did?) If he was capable of all of that, of course he was capable of sleeping with other women too.

She wasn’t hurt. She was angry. While she had been waiting for her confirmation reply, she had gone in to the grocery store. She stood there in the coffee aisle, staring at her chosen brand of coffee. She kept looking at the price. The tag read: “Sale! Was – $15.99. NOW $12.99!” She stared at the tag. She stared at this small bag of ground coffee. She thought to herself, Why the fuck am I still drinking this expensive ass coffee?! She knew it was because that’s what her ex drank. That was the coffee that he had deemed the best. And for the last fucking year, she had still been paying this ridiculous fucking price for this stupid, bougie, ex-boyfriend fucking coffee!! Her blood boiled and her face got hot in her mask. She grabbed the closest, cheapest (yet not gross) brand of coffee there. Thank you, Nabob – $6.99.

She stormed back to her car and sat fuming behind the wheel. She took several deep breaths and actively attempted to use her mindfulness tools that she had learned in therapy. Eventually, she was able to bring herself down and level herself out. Then all of a sudden, her anger shifted into indifference. She realized, at this point, what would be the benefit of staying angry about this? She had already ended the relationship. She was doing incredible in her life. And she was happy. The only thing being angry about this would do is make her miserable and then, he would once again have control over her.

Fuck. That.

She took one last deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth, and she let it go. She was glad to have found out, and had enjoyed her afternoon with Carl (aside from this part of their conversation). But she knew it would be too difficult for her to really maintain any kind of relationship with him, platonic or otherwise. She would just be continuously reminded of her ex. Now she was filled with the anxiety of what she would tell Carl if and when he asked her to hang out again. Awesome, she thought as she started her car and drove home.

Continue to Chapter Thirty Eight

Shortly after the phone conversation about her ex, the holidays were finally upon her and she had so been looking forward to some time off. She was going to enjoy Christmas with her parents and her brother, she was going to see her friends, she even had a laser hair removal appointment set up! She was excited to celebrate New Years with her friends and ring in 2021 on the most positive note possible…

Then lockdown was announced. No friends. No fun. No New Years celebration. Christmas was still the same but then she was just left at home with her parents for nine days. Nothing wrong with spending time with her parents, but one can only watch so many episodes of a week-long CSI marathon with their mother before going a little stir crazy.

Each day was melting in to the next and the boredom was all consuming. What cures boredom? Why, matching with a ton of guys on dating apps, of course! So, she just started mindlessly swiping right. Let’s be real though, a lot of swiping left also. But she ended up chatting with a bunch of different guys. Some were just innocent introductions, some were actually pretty interesting conversations, and some were a little more risqué.

One of the more innocent conversations she had was with a guy who lived out in the country, in a big house on a lake, all by himself. He was in his early 30s and was already living his retirement life, as he put it. He wasn’t the hottest guy she’d ever seen, but his profile made her giggle so she kept chatting.

After about half an hour into their first conversation, she checked his profile again and realized the one mutual friend they had was an old friend of her ex’s. That friend worked in research at one of the universities in her hometown so she figured this guy knew him from there. But upon further investigation, she saw that this guys hometown was her ex’s home town. Meaning, this random guy she matched with on Facebook Dating, could very well be an old friend of her ex’s. What are the fucking chances?!

She immediately asked him about their mutual friend. He said that yes, he knew him, but they hadn’t been in contact for some time. Then she asked about her ex but he said he didn’t know anyone by that name. This guy was French and her ex would have gone to school at the English high school. So, even though they grew up literally a stone’s throw away from each other, this guy likely didn’t actually know her ex. But how friggin strange is that?! Small world.

They changed the subject and she realized that this guy was really nice, but definitely not her type. (Of course he wasn’t. Nice guys rarely were.) She tried not to reply as quickly, or give as much to the conversation. She didn’t want to full on ghost him, but its so hard explaining to someone that you just don’t like him that way. Especially after he sent her the most boudoir-esque photo of himself laying on his bed like the subject of an oil painting, in an effort to show her how one would take a good ass pic. It was pretty hilarious and incredibly awkward to look at, but she played it off smoothly. She didn’t want to em-bare-ass the poor guy (hahaha see what I did there? Sorry – anyways…)

Meanwhile, she was also chatting with a few other guys. One guy wouldn’t stop telling her how hot she was, which obviously she enjoyed. But he was gorgeous, also – super fit, great eyes, nice smile. And not even that short! He said he was 5″11 which, really, could mean 5″9, but that’s still taller than her ex so she counted it as a win. All throughout their conversation he still continued to tell her how hot she was and he kept asking why and how she could be single. She explained her story briefly and he seemed genuinely interested. Eventually they ran out of small talk so they decided to start a game of 20 questions.

One of the questions he asked her was “how many other guys are you talking with”, adding, “I don’t care, I’m just curious.” She knew he definitely did care, but she also wasn’t going to just say no one. She told him she had 3 other conversations going, but that he was the only one she had talked to that day. Both were lies. She had like five or six other conversations going, two of which she had been chatting with at exactly that moment. Her guard was up now, though. He had just given her a glimpse of his fragile masculinity. But they moved on and kept playing. He said he wanted to meet her, and she wanted to meet him, but lockdown, remember? He then said he had to go take care of something and that he’d be right back. But that was the last she had heard from him that day.

He messaged her another few more times over the holidays, and a few times in to January as well. Each time ended it with “I have to go check on something,” and he just stopped replying. Or sometimes not even saying that and just no reply until the next time he decided he was bored enough to chat with her. She eventually stopped answering. Too bad, though. He was a smoke show and would have been great for the no-strings-attached hook up she was looking for. Oh well, on to the next!

On Bumble, she matched with a hot guy with a ginger beard – which should have been the red flag indicating how much he would suck. This guy had one picture, his name was “Ask”, instead of his actual name, and he had no bio. She messaged him a little wave to start the conversation. They went through the typical pleasantries and then he said, “well come pick me up”. No one would blame her for assuming that all this guy wanted was sex. She replied, “Oh, I think we both might be barking up the wrong tree here. I don’t have a car, nor do I have a place to hook up. Not gunna happen.”

Well, he was most offended by that comment.  “Excuse me?!” he said. “That’s awfully presumptive of you!” He then began to list the other things they could have done if she had picked him up, like gone for a walk or gone to get a coffee. She explained why she assumed that sex is all he wanted, to which he replied, “Don’t whine. I’m not here for that.” Who was whining?! She had expressed to him the image that he was projecting, and he got upset. Then he unmatched with her which really pissed her off because she wanted to be the one to un-match. What a dick.

If that charmer wasn’t enough to tire her of these stupid apps, she then matched with another guy on Bumble. A tall, brown eyed, dark haired, 29-year-old. In one pic he had a major porn-stache, in another he was dressed as a walking beer pong table. Clearly her standards were sky high. But his bio was funny and in his not-stupid-pics he looked pretty cute. She messaged him a quick “heyy” to which he replied “YESSSSSS!!” almost immediately. He was very excited that she messaged him and told her that he was actually about to extend their match had she not reached out. They chatted for a little while, and he was definitely the funniest out of all the guys she’d talked to.

They talked about how she had never been to Europe, but that he had been to Paris twice in 2016 during a European vacation of several countries. She said, “Well you’ll have to show me around Paris sometime”, clearly joking and just being flirty. To which he replied, “Well I’ll contact my travel agent, but he’ll need your number. This is for official purposes only. Definitely not for my own personal use.” She laughed out loud and sent him her number. A few short minutes later she received a text, “Hi, this is Dave from Air Canada, checking in about your future trip to Paris…”

That was it. She officially liked this guy. He was cute and funny and didn’t seem to take things too seriously. Except, when he wasn’t being funny, he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. They went back and forth with the Dave from Air Canada bit for a while but then he just had nothing interesting left to say. Shortly after, he was heading out for a walk so the conversation ended. But it picked back up a few times over the holidays and still, it was slow going as far as interesting conversations went. That was unfortunate but, again, oh well.

Also, just to touch on his age for a second. Being that she was in her early 30’s when she became single, she really only ever set her sights on older men. Her age limits on dating apps were 33 – 41. She wanted someone older and more experienced to just take her and have his way with her. Based on the few conversations she’d had with older men though, most in their early 40s, she realized that a lot of older single guys are just bitter and angry. Then she noticed a lot of guys in their late 20’s were liking her on these apps. She thought, what’s so wrong with dating a younger guy? Not even dating, maybe just hooking up with or, more realistically, just chatting with? They all seemed so happy and ambitious and still optimistic for the shitstorm called Life that lay ahead of them. She could be a Cougar for a little while, she thought. She didn’t even have to change her age restrictions, these apps were showing her 29-year-olds whether she liked it or not, so she continued to happily swipe away.

On a slow chatting morning a few days before New Years, she decided to re-download Hinge to give herself an even broader selection. Bumble, Tinder and FB Dating just weren’t doing the trick anymore. After the holidays she would definitely have to check herself in to Dating Apps Anonymous, but until then, she just started liking pics. Hinge is a shitty app though because you only get a certain amount of likes in a day before you use them all up and then it tells you to pay like $25/month for unlimited likes. No thanks. Fortunately for her, though, guys were still able to like her pics and she could then choose to match with them or not. Most guys she X’d out but one guy definitely caught her eye.

He was 5”8 (of course), but had crystal clear blue eyes, a great smile with nice teeth, and the perfect amount of facial scruff. Not a full beard, but also not clean shaven. He was hot AF! He liked one of her pics and she chose to match with him. This guy too, couldn’t stop talking about how hot she was and kept saying she was out of his league. As flattering as that was, this guy was gorgeous. What the hell was he talking about, she was too hot for him?

On one hand she liked that he thought so highly of her, on the other hand, a knot formed in the pit of her stomach agonizing about what a let down it would be if they ever did meet. Yeah she’d lost weight, but she had a bunch of loose skin because of it which she had been trying to tone up. In some respect she was more insecure about her body now than she had been before. Being put on a pedestal like that can be a real mind-fuck. She had to keep reminding herself that all those little things don’t matter. He was literally in the process of telling her she was beautiful. Why was she twisting that around making herself feel unworthy? Cut that shit out right now!

They moved past all that “too hot for me” nonsense, and began to chat and get to know each other. They sent pics back and forth, nothing risqué yet, but he sent her some shirtless pics and yeah, this guy was definitely just saying all that “too hot for me” garbage to get her in his pants. He had a full six pack and a huge bulge, according to his sweatpants. The pics became more X-rated and he started to pepper her with questions about when they could meet up. She would have done anything to just jump in her parent’s car and go meet up with him. Alas, the universe just really didn’t want her to get laid. They were in lockdown and she wasn’t about to go give some random guy a BJ in his truck because there was no where else to go to hook up (been there, done that!). It took a while for him to stop asking her, which was a huge turn off, but eventually he went back to being charming. At the very least, she knew she wanted to hook up with him when things were safe, but this was definitely not someone she wanted to get serious with. Good thing that’s not what she was looking for at that moment. She just wanted fun, fun, fun!

As she chatted with this guy, another fella liked her on Hinge. He seemed cute enough. Not much on his profile but he was closer to her geographically than any other guys had been. That seemed like enough to warrant a match. They started talking and he was basic enough. Funny but not hilarious, nice but kind of boring, sweet but awkward. They talked for almost an hour before he said, “So this might sound weird if I’m wrong but, I think we went to high school together?”

WHAT?! She immediately went back to his profile and truly, not in any ounce of her being did she recognize this person.

She asked his last name and it only sort of rang a bell. She discovered that he was a grade below her and he had hung out with some of the popular guys in her grade, but mostly with all the stoners and druggies, which were definitely not her crowds in high school. He mentioned the one girl he dated then, which also rang a bell but she couldn’t put a face to the name either. And her social media sleuthing skills were really not up to par because she couldn’t find this girl anywhere. Then, the more they talked about their friends and who they hung around with, they realized that they even went to the same elementary school too! She had basically grown up with this guy and she had no idea who he was.

She was eventually able to find him on Facebook and, like most guys, he hadn’t updated his profile pic that often so she was able to see photos of him from when he was a lot younger. She finally placed him and realized who he was. If anything, though, that was all just a huge turn off. After reconnecting and hooking up with her friend’s high school boyfriend, Craig, the thought of anyone else from her past popping up, whether she knew him or not, was just not for her. Such a small friggin world, though!

Then there was another guy on Hinge. Same deal as the others, apparently she has a type: short(ish), dark hair, nice eyes, good scruff. This guy seemed nice enough, but when they got to talking about what they were looking for, he surprised her by saying he was looking for something serious and meaningful. Every other guy on any other dating app made it seem like they had hit the jackpot when they found out what she was looking for; a monogamous FWB that she could have fun with, laugh with, be comfortable with. At the same time though, she wanted someone who wouldn’t become enmeshed in her life but she could trust not to be out getting diseases from other people (Covid or otherwise). Is that all too much to ask!?

Most guys seemed totally on board with that. Not this guy. Immediately he made her feel like a slut. No, he didn’t say the word slut, but he told her, “I’m not looking for someone who’s been with all these guys. Or who wants to be with all these guys. You’re not a rare gem for wanting this. I’ve been asked for, and turned down, so many hook ups since being on this site. No offence, but fast sex is just not for me. I could hook up with anyone, anywhere. But I don’t want that. Just can’t seem to find a good girl anywhere.” It took everything she had not to write a long, elaborate rebuttal to his stupid reply, but instead she just unmatched him.

And then, her long, boring, feels-like-Sunday-every-day, Christmas holidays were over. It was time for her to go back to work. She still had some lingering matches popping up. Guys who would message her asking the same mundane things she had been entertaining throughout her time off. But now she was back to “reality”. Going back to work left her less time to waste talking to guys she’d likely never meet. Not only because of her own anxieties of actually dating instead of just chatting online, but also because of Lockdown. Even if she was willing to meet up with anyone, the pandemic and the recent lockdown continued to prevent her from experiencing any kind of real dating life. She knew though, that these were not actually real problems and that most people had it much worse than she did.

So, for the time being, she accepted her fate of no sex for the foreseeable future, and instead, she put her energy back in to her work. She’d gone this long without really dating, what’s another couple months??

Continue to Chapter Thirty Seven

It was early December. She was reminded from social media that her former sister-in-law and current “sista”-friend would be moving to Costa Rica for several months. Not only because it would be helpful for her friend’s many, many health issues (and because Covid was much less prevalent down there), but also to grow her business and help build housing for communities in that area. She insisted on chatting with her sista-friend before she left. They were finally able to arrange a phone date and she was excited to catch up with her.

She knew that staying friends with her ex’s sister was risky for her continued growth, but this woman had been instrumental in keeping her afloat throughout her years with her ex, and the bond they had built was stronger than any shitty relationship. She also had no intention of asking about her ex, or her dog that she still missed with all her heart but had been trying to put to the back of her mind because she knew there was no point dwelling on it.

Even so, her sista-friend had her own venting to do about him. Keep in mind, he wasn’t just verbally and emotionally abusive as a boyfriend. It’s part of his personality and he is like that with many women in his life – including his sister. So, she listened as her sista-friend recounted a recent visit with him and one of their other sisters. (You’d think a man who grew up with three sisters and was raised by a single mom would have more respect for women…)

It was through that conversation in which she discovered that while she, herself, was doing well in her new life – losing weight, going to therapy, getting her finances in order, etc… – he was now balding and had gained a bunch of weight. That alone made her want to rejoice in all things petty. She would be lying if she said it didn’t give her some sick, twisted joy to know how much better she was doing than he was. But what really blew her away was finding out that he was back to eating meat.

After two years of non-stop shaming, berating, and belittling her for every non-vegan food choice she made, he was back to eating fucking meat. Meanwhile, she was still kicking ass with her Flexitarian lifestyle. Go figure. She really never thought she would still be the one not eating (much) meat, and that he’d be back to eating cows and pigs! What a hypocrite, she thought. But then again, she remembered that that’s how he is. He can inflict as much judgement and pressure on others as possible, but those same standards never apply to him. He is the exemption to his every rule. Classic narcissist.

Also, something sad yet unsurprising – during that visit to see his sisters, they were all sitting and chatting at the kitchen table. His youngest nephew, five years old, innocently came up to him and said, “uncle so and so, I miss auntie so and so”. Her ex turned to this child and said something to the extent of, “Wow, buddy. And you used to be my favourite. Go away now.” (or something like that – the exact words escaped her.) The point is, even as a joke, that’s not funny. This poor kid didn’t get sarcasm. He hurt his nephews feelings on purpose because his nephew hurt his feelings by accident. This is the type of person he is.

After touching on that for a while, she couldn’t help but ask where her dog was while he was there visiting. He had always made such a big deal about not going away anywhere because their dog hated car rides and was skittish around other dogs (his sisters both had 2 dogs of their own), so he never wanted to go away anywhere. She realized, even then though, that those were all just excuses not to let her visit her friends and family. Still, that’s why she was surprised to hear that he had gone to visit his sisters at all. She assumed he brought the dog and she was curious about her well being.

Her sista-friend then dropped the bomb that nope, he didn’t bring her dog with him. He left her at home with – drum roll please….. – his new girlfriend! A woman he had been with for five months already. That would mean he had been seeing someone since about June or July, which was less than six months after they had broken up.

On one hand, she was definitely surprised – but mainly because he trusted someone else to care for the dog. When they were together, no one was good enough to care for that dog except the two of them. He would completely lose his shit any time she had suggested bringing their dog to her parents’ house, or the possibility of leaving her with them and their own dog if they happened to go out. There was no way he was leaving their dog in someone else’s care – especially her parents, for some fucked up reason. Now he’s letting some woman he’s known for less than a year, that he met on the fucking internet, take care of HER dog. Her stomach tied in knots and she silently teared up as her sista-friend continued on the other end of the line.

What didn’t surprise her, though, was that he was already in another relationship. Even though they were together for seven years, and it would be a very long time before she would be getting back into a relationship because of all the baggage she was carrying from those tumultuous years together, she knew that he was the most co-dependent person she had ever met.

He needed someone to hold him up and make him feel like a big man, all while verbally and emotionally beating this person down in the process. If anything, she felt a little sorry for this new woman in his life. At the same time though, she was informed that this woman was older and rich – his Sugar Mama, he called her. So maybe this woman was using him, and not the other way around? She hoped, for the woman’s sake, that she would get what she needed from him (sex), and move on without baring the full weight of his verbal, mental and emotional abuse.

The phone conversation ended and she wished her sista-friend all the luck in the world for this next exciting chapter. Then, after hanging up, she sat and cried on her bed for a few minutes. She was so relieved to be out of that situation. To be out of that toxic family, really. Even though all of his sisters had always been great towards her, especially her sista-friend, her ex and his other sisters were still just some of the most negative, toxic people she’d ever met and she was so thankful to be out of that emotionally harmful environment.

She was also sad about her dog. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much she rationalizes the situation, no matter how many times she tells herself “It is what it is. You have to move on,” she will forever love and miss that dog. And having had to leave her will be a heavy weight on her shoulders for the rest of her life.

She wiped her tears and took a deep breath. Then, she texted her friends.

“So guess who’s fat and bald now!…”

Continue to Chapter Thirty Six