This blog is my own creation. Here, I am my own boss. No one is telling me I *have* to write. That I *have* to post anything. That I *have* to summarize my experience over the last twelve months for strangers and friends to read. Yet here I am stoned, sitting on my parents’ couch on Boxing Day, thinking how angry I would be at myself if I didn’t write a reflection of 2023 like I’ve done every year since starting this thing. So here goes…
Really, anyone could read my Reflection of 2022 and would be all caught up on my current situation. Once again, just like last year, I am no further along in my dreams or goals than I was last January. On paper, my life looks exactly the same. Like really, this is going to be the shortest essay I’ve ever written.
Right now, I am still broke, paying off debt that is not solely mine, and working an unfulfilling job that I do not enjoy. I am still living in my parent’s guest room, coming up on 4 years now, with no prospect of moving out on my own any time soon. And I am still single, no closer to ever finding love and someone to share my life with.
I am also still happy. Happier each day than the one before, in fact. When you like yourself, truly like who you are deep in your heart, flaws and all, it’s easy to stay happy. Medication helps, too, though.
I suppose one of the contributing factors as to why I’m still so happy despite the chaos that is my life, is because this year I discovered that I have ADHD and am now taking Vyvanse daily to subdue and master this neurodivergent brain of mine. While the medication has definitely improved my focus and my ability to mentally organize tasks (triage, if you will) rather than become overwhelmed by them, it has also given me the skills to regulate my emotions. That has been the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself. I’m not at the mercy of my gigantic, all-consuming feelings anymore. I can make choices with my brain, now, rather than with my heart. I am no longer looking at the world through the rose-coloured glasses I had been wearing all my life, and I now just see things as they are.
This new perspective has allowed me to take a good look at myself and realize, I’m not so bad after all. I might not be rich and I might not be skinny, but I am a kind, empathic, relatively smart, funny, pretty, creative, interesting person with a unique perspective who is worthy of the same love and kindness I try to bestow on other people.
I am far from perfect, and I am learning every day. I want to be the best version of myself that I possibly can be, so I never stop trying. Even on lazy days where I really don’t do much, just having a positive mindset allows me to continue being proud of myself. I’ve realized that all anyone can ask of you, including yourself, is that you just keep trying.
So, I work out as often as I can to keep both my body and my mind healthy. I no longer berate myself for eating the wrong thing, or eating too much, or lazing about all weekend if that’s all I feel like doing. I am allowed to slip up, or indulge, or rest. Sometimes that’s exactly what my mind or body needs. I just remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, and I will do better next time. Things have changed so much for me since I moved home in 2020, but not being so god damn hard on myself has been truly life altering.
Now, not only do I see how valuable and worthy I am as a human being, but I’ve also started to look at dating with a more neutral perspective. Guys on dating apps are worth nothing more than a good time – and even that’s not guaranteed! I have finally, fully, gotten it through my thick skull that it is extremely, extremely, unlikely that I will find the love of my life on these stupid fucking apps. Instead, I am now just in it for the fun. Just enjoying the ride, you could say. The most I hope for from these guys is a little attention, and maybe an orgasm or two.
I’ve entered a new phase of my sexuality, a lot of which I haven’t written about yet. That’s another thing; this year I’ve found it to be very challenging to write about my dating life. To post anything on the blog, actually. And I’m realizing, it’s because I haven’t really had to work out my issues. Writing, for me, has always been a way of parting the clouds of my foggy brain and being able to sort my shit out. It’s how I made sense of things. I suppose because of the Vyvanse (maybe?), I’ve just been more capable of not allowing these dating mishaps and disappointments to affect me like they used to.
I don’t hyper-fixate on guys anymore, so I’ve been able to keep my hopes in check, and I haven’t really been “crushed” by anyone this year. Therefore the thought of sitting down and writing, reliving a dissatisfying experience similar to countless others when I’ve no need to work out my feelings on it, has become a little daunting. Still, like I said, I’ve had a bit of a sexual awakening, so there will be some new chapters coming in the new year… I just have to make myself write them out.
The point of bringing up my sexuality, though, is that it’s become more freeing to know what I want and don’t want, and to view men and sex as options and myself as the prize, rather than the other way around. It’s also made it more evident that a relationship is not the end-all-be-all of true happiness. In fact, more often than not, men bring women more struggles than joy, let’s be real. I know women who are happily married, very much in love, who sometimes would like to beat the ever-loving shit out of their idiot spouses. And while there are obvious perks like love and (I hope) regular physical affection, the stress and irritation that also accompany a relationship are proof enough for me that being single is the absolute best thing possible for me right now because at the end of the day, it’s only my bullshit I have to deal with.
I’ve said this before, but I mean it more now than I ever have; unless I meet someone who can add to the happiness I already feel in my own life, I will continue to date casually and “get mine”, shall we say. I will not settle for anything that requires me to lower my frequency. And until someone can meet me up here, I will continue to go it alone. Happily.
…
See, I thought that would be a great line to end on, but then I just had to add that I am 100% not alone. Another thing this year has taught me, or rather reassured me of, is that my friends are the fucking best. They rallied around me in 2020 when I moved home after ending my abusive relationship, and they have continued to show up for me every day since. Not just my friends, but their husbands as well! I am so lucky to have these people in my life. To feel included no matter what. To never feel like a third, fifth, seventh, ninth or eleventh wheel (yes, there are a lot of them lol).
The overwhelming anxiety I’ve always felt, the worry that I’ve pissed someone off by saying or doing the wrong thing, no longer consumes me as it once did (again, thank you Vyvanse). I know for certain now that my friends love me and not only want me to be in their lives, but in their children’s lives as well. I cannot even begin to tell you what an honour it is to be Auntie to their kids.
Adding to that, my parents and family have also always been there for me no matter what. My life is so full with all these people in it. So even though things are far from perfect, and I still have a lot of work to do to get to where I’m going, I am truly grateful for every second I get to live surrounded by this kind of love and support. And again, unless I meet a man who can join me on this level, I will continue to go it alone(not alone). Happily.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this literal stream of consciousness review of 2023. Despite the horrific state of the world and all the devastation and sadness that we are inundated with 24/7, I hope you’ve also been able to get through these last twelve months relatively unscathed.
With that being said, my wish for this upcoming year is for the world to see peace. Truly. I know that normally I would write something hopeful for myself, but I’ll be fine regardless. With all my heart, this year all I truly hope for is that all the horrors going on in this world will end, and that everyone can just live in peace. Free of oppression and violence and death. Obviously there’s more that can be said, but I’ll just leave it at that.
Sending you all love and light in 2024. Be well xo
Stay tuned for more chapters coming in the new year