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This blog is my own creation. Here, I am my own boss. No one is telling me I *have* to write. That I *have* to post anything. That I *have* to summarize my experience over the last twelve months for strangers and friends to read. Yet here I am stoned, sitting on my parents’ couch on Boxing Day, thinking how angry I would be at myself if I didn’t write a reflection of 2023 like I’ve done every year since starting this thing. So here goes…

Really, anyone could read my Reflection of 2022 and would be all caught up on my current situation. Once again, just like last year, I am no further along in my dreams or goals than I was last January. On paper, my life looks exactly the same. Like really, this is going to be the shortest essay I’ve ever written.

Right now, I am still broke, paying off debt that is not solely mine, and working an unfulfilling job that I do not enjoy. I am still living in my parent’s guest room, coming up on 4 years now, with no prospect of moving out on my own any time soon. And I am still single, no closer to ever finding love and someone to share my life with.

I am also still happy. Happier each day than the one before, in fact. When you like yourself, truly like who you are deep in your heart, flaws and all, it’s easy to stay happy. Medication helps, too, though.

I suppose one of the contributing factors as to why I’m still so happy despite the chaos that is my life, is because this year I discovered that I have ADHD and am now taking Vyvanse daily to subdue and master this neurodivergent brain of mine. While the medication has definitely improved my focus and my ability to mentally organize tasks (triage, if you will) rather than become overwhelmed by them, it has also given me the skills to regulate my emotions. That has been the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself. I’m not at the mercy of my gigantic, all-consuming feelings anymore. I can make choices with my brain, now, rather than with my heart. I am no longer looking at the world through the rose-coloured glasses I had been wearing all my life, and I now just see things as they are.

This new perspective has allowed me to take a good look at myself and realize, I’m not so bad after all. I might not be rich and I might not be skinny, but I am a kind, empathic, relatively smart, funny, pretty, creative, interesting person with a unique perspective who is worthy of the same love and kindness I try to bestow on other people.

I am far from perfect, and I am learning every day. I want to be the best version of myself that I possibly can be, so I never stop trying. Even on lazy days where I really don’t do much, just having a positive mindset allows me to continue being proud of myself. I’ve realized that all anyone can ask of you, including yourself, is that you just keep trying.

So, I work out as often as I can to keep both my body and my mind healthy. I no longer berate myself for eating the wrong thing, or eating too much, or lazing about all weekend if that’s all I feel like doing. I am allowed to slip up, or indulge, or rest. Sometimes that’s exactly what my mind or body needs. I just remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, and I will do better next time. Things have changed so much for me since I moved home in 2020, but not being so god damn hard on myself has been truly life altering.

Now, not only do I see how valuable and worthy I am as a human being, but I’ve also started to look at dating with a more neutral perspective. Guys on dating apps are worth nothing more than a good time – and even that’s not guaranteed! I have finally, fully, gotten it through my thick skull that it is extremely, extremely, unlikely that I will find the love of my life on these stupid fucking apps. Instead, I am now just in it for the fun. Just enjoying the ride, you could say. The most I hope for from these guys is a little attention, and maybe an orgasm or two.

I’ve entered a new phase of my sexuality, a lot of which I haven’t written about yet. That’s another thing; this year I’ve found it to be very challenging to write about my dating life. To post anything on the blog, actually. And I’m realizing, it’s because I haven’t really had to work out my issues. Writing, for me, has always been a way of parting the clouds of my foggy brain and being able to sort my shit out. It’s how I made sense of things. I suppose because of the Vyvanse (maybe?), I’ve just been more capable of not allowing these dating mishaps and disappointments to affect me like they used to.

I don’t hyper-fixate on guys anymore, so I’ve been able to keep my hopes in check, and I haven’t really been “crushed” by anyone this year. Therefore the thought of sitting down and writing, reliving a dissatisfying experience similar to countless others when I’ve no need to work out my feelings on it, has become a little daunting. Still, like I said, I’ve had a bit of a sexual awakening, so there will be some new chapters coming in the new year… I just have to make myself write them out.

The point of bringing up my sexuality, though, is that it’s become more freeing to know what I want and don’t want, and to view men and sex as options and myself as the prize, rather than the other way around. It’s also made it more evident that a relationship is not the end-all-be-all of true happiness. In fact, more often than not, men bring women more struggles than joy, let’s be real. I know women who are happily married, very much in love, who sometimes would like to beat the ever-loving shit out of their idiot spouses. And while there are obvious perks like love and (I hope) regular physical affection, the stress and irritation that also accompany a relationship are proof enough for me that being single is the absolute best thing possible for me right now because at the end of the day, it’s only my bullshit I have to deal with.

I’ve said this before, but I mean it more now than I ever have; unless I meet someone who can add to the happiness I already feel in my own life, I will continue to date casually and “get mine”, shall we say. I will not settle for anything that requires me to lower my frequency. And until someone can meet me up here, I will continue to go it alone. Happily.

…

See, I thought that would be a great line to end on, but then I just had to add that I am 100% not alone. Another thing this year has taught me, or rather reassured me of, is that my friends are the fucking best. They rallied around me in 2020 when I moved home after ending my abusive relationship, and they have continued to show up for me every day since. Not just my friends, but their husbands as well! I am so lucky to have these people in my life. To feel included no matter what. To never feel like a third, fifth, seventh, ninth or eleventh wheel (yes, there are a lot of them lol).

The overwhelming anxiety I’ve always felt, the worry that I’ve pissed someone off by saying or doing the wrong thing, no longer consumes me as it once did (again, thank you Vyvanse). I know for certain now that my friends love me and not only want me to be in their lives, but in their children’s lives as well. I cannot even begin to tell you what an honour it is to be Auntie to their kids.

Adding to that, my parents and family have also always been there for me no matter what. My life is so full with all these people in it. So even though things are far from perfect, and I still have a lot of work to do to get to where I’m going, I am truly grateful for every second I get to live surrounded by this kind of love and support. And again, unless I meet a man who can join me on this level, I will continue to go it alone(not alone). Happily.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this literal stream of consciousness review of 2023. Despite the horrific state of the world and all the devastation and sadness that we are inundated with 24/7, I hope you’ve also been able to get through these last twelve months relatively unscathed.

With that being said, my wish for this upcoming year is for the world to see peace. Truly. I know that normally I would write something hopeful for myself, but I’ll be fine regardless. With all my heart, this year all I truly hope for is that all the horrors going on in this world will end, and that everyone can just live in peace. Free of oppression and violence and death. Obviously there’s more that can be said, but I’ll just leave it at that.

Sending you all love and light in 2024. Be well xo

Stay tuned for more chapters coming in the new year

After those two disappointing encounters, she put dating aside for the summer and focused on all the more uplifting aspects of her life. Her summer was everything she could have wanted it to be and more, but as her plans began to die down, she decided to dip her toe back in to the dating pool.

Except, she was just so sick of the same old dating app bullshit. Match, chat, get ghosted. If not ghosted, meet for a disappointing date, repeat.

She was cruising her socials one day when a targeted ad for speed dating popped up in her feed. It wasn’t for her city, but it sparked the idea for her of maybe trying it out. What could it hurt? Best case, she meets the love of her life. Worst case, a funny story and great content. Win/Win.

Still, she was nervous about it. The thought of having to go on multiple dates with multiple men in the span of like an hour was a bit overwhelming to her. She put it to her group chats, both of which came back with a resounding YES. She bought her ticket that night.

The event was to take place on Labour Day Monday. It was odd to hold an event like that on a Monday night, especially when everyone would be coming back from a long weekend. She didn’t have any plans, though, so it didn’t bother her.

The week before, however, the event sent out an e-mail stating that several participants had contacted them to say they would not be able to attend due to the holiday weekend. They were re-scheduling the event for Thursday of the following week. The organizer asked that people please RSVP to confirm or deny availability.

After some back and forth with herself, she decided she wasn’t really interested anymore. She replied that she wasn’t available that Thursday (even though she definitely was), and asked for a refund.

The next week was one of the hottest September weeks on record. So hot, in fact, that the speed dating organizers had to cancel the event again and reschedule for yet another date later that month. They notified all the participants and said that typically they don’t offer refunds, but in this extreme case, if anyone was unable to make it to the newest event, please advise and they would refund their money.

She hadn’t yet received her refund from the first time she had asked, so she replied and said she wasn’t available, and asked again to be refunded. The month went by, and when the newest date was approaching she still hadn’t been reimbursed. However, it seemed that she had gotten her nerve back and decided she did, in fact, want to try this out.

She e-mailed the organizer and explained the situation, asking for an update on where and what time the event would be taking place. Finally, she received a reply apologizing for having not yet refunded her, but also there was a sense of relief that she would still be attending.

It was a Thursday. She had curled her hair, brought a change of clothes to work, and re-did her makeup in her office bathroom. Why was she so nervous? Her stomach was in knots and she was sweating more than necessary considering that heat wave had dissipated weeks earlier.

She drove downtown and parked in a parking garage close to the bar. When she walked in, she was struck by how cool and vibrant this restaurant was. She had never been there before, though she’d passed by it many times. She made note that she would have to come back with friends sometime.

She went to the bar and spoke to the bartender about the event. He signaled to the back of the restaurant where a group of people were gathering. She looked over and saw a handful of men sitting and drinking. Nope!, she thought. She definitely would need a drink before she’d work up the courage to join the group. She ordered a glass of wine, and while the bartender was preparing her drink she motioned to him that she’d be right back, and headed downstairs to the bathroom.

Fortunately, it was empty. She looked herself up and down in the mirror. Fluffed her hair, fixed her boobs, sniffed her pits. There wasn’t anything else she could do, that was as good as it was gunna get. Why was she freaking out so bad!? It’s not like she wasn’t a seasoned dater at this point. She got herself together and headed back upstairs. The bartender had waited for her to return before pouring her drink. She grabbed it, took a swig, and grabbed the glass of water she had also ordered as she headed towards the back of the bar.

As she approached, she realized this whole thing wasn’t as intimidating as it had seemed. There were four men and two women, one of whom was the organizer. Her immediate thought was not of whether or not she found any of the men attractive. Instead, she noticed the other woman there to participate and thought Hey, she looks pretty and fun. I want to be her friend! 

The organizer, Mary, we’ll call her, had said in the e-mail that there were going to be some ice-breaker games at the start of the event. She had been dreading it, thinking it would be some corny summer camp games or something. Instead, it was just Cards Against Humanity. That she was down for.

As she took her seat, Mary announced that this re-re-scheduled event was supposed to have been with fourteen people, 7 guys 7 girls. It had now dwindled down to eight, 4 and 4. They were waiting on the final two women to arrive, so in the meantime Mary decided to start the game.

As the card piles were handed out, she scanned the table at her speed dating prospects. First, there was an emo looking, socially awkward white guy. Then there was a good looking, yet somewhat skinny Black guy. There was a tall Afghani guy with very large ears. And finally a short, bald Egyptian guy with nice glasses. None of these lovely gentlemen were her type, but that was why she was there, right? To broaden her horizons.

As the game started, the other two women arrived. Again she thought, Oh dang! They look pretty and fun too! I also want to be their friend! The new arrivals ordered their drinks, and the game continued. After about 20 minutes, Mary called it and gave them all some time to go to the bathroom or grab a drink while she re-organized the tables to set up for the actual speed dating.

In the 10 minutes or so it took her to do that, the socially awkward white guy completely bailed. Now it was 3 to 4. What a little shit ball! Who does that?!

The tables were now all lined up in pairs of two. Despite being a man down, Mary asked that all the women take their seats against the wall, and the men would sit on the outside and rotate every eight minutes. Mary would fill in for the jerk off who left.

Her Bachelor Number One was the good looking Black guy. She found out that he was Jamaican, with a British accent from attending high school in England. He was smart, he was well spoken, he was charming. Of all the men there, he was the only one upon first seeing him that she thought could be a potential winner. As they were getting to know each other, talking about their university experiences, Mary called it on the first round of dates. Bachelor Number One gave her a kind smile, and scooted down the line. She then subtly marked Yes on her score card.

Bachelor Number Two was Mary. She and Mary chatted about dating, and bitched about the guy who had left. It was a nice palette cleanser, honestly, to chat with a woman for a bit. Took some of the pressure off.

Next up was Bachelor Number Three, the tall Afghani guy. He was also very smart. He dressed well and was obviously a nice guy, but the language barrier was too much to overcome. Though his English was excellent, she considers herself to be quite funny, and he just wasn’t getting any of her jokes! That was a deal breaker for her. Next.

Finally, Bachelor Number Four was the short Egyptian guy. This man had such a kind face. He was cute and sweet, and she could tell that he liked her right off the bat. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t a spark there for her. They chatted about family and him having moved there from another city. They talked about work and hobbies, until finally Mary gave the call that this speed dating event had come to an end.

Mary explained that normally these things have upwards of 20-30 people there. Since this one was such a bust, she would be giving everyone discount codes for other upcoming events. She was happy to receive some kind of compensation, but she was also kind of happy that it wasn’t such a big event that time. She now knew what to expect, and would be better prepared whenever she decided to try it again.

As the participants gathered their belongings and began to clear out, she ran back downstairs to pee. When she returned, the other three bachelorettes were chatting with Mary. She approached the outside of the group, expecting to just say goodbye, when one of the women invited her to join them for a drink and some apps next door.

She was thrilled! Forget dating – did I just make new single girlfriends??, she thought. She eagerly accepted their invitation, and the four of them took the party over to another funky restaurant just down the street. These women were smart, funny, kind and just good vibes all around. She may not have met the love of her life at that speed dating event, but a group of cool new single girlfriends made the night a big success.

One of her new friends created a group chat, and they all agreed to keep in touch. There’s a weekly social event that some of the ladies attend pretty frequently, but she’s usually too tired to go out late during the week. Fortunately, she and her new gal pals were able to get together one weekend in early November.

They met up at one lady’s apartment and enjoyed some drinks, apps, and great conversation. Then they hit the town. They went to a pub she had always really loved. Good music, good vibes, and cute guys. She and her new friends drank and laughed and danced. It felt so good to be out with people in her same situation, relationship wise.

It’s a different vibe when the single girls get out on the town. You maybe drink a little more. You likely dance a little more. You definitely flirt a little more, than you would when everyone else in the group is partnered. So it was fun to ride that wave for the evening. She didn’t meet any cute guys that night (which wasn’t the intention anyways), but she flirted with some, and she danced with her friends. And she was present. And she was mindful. Of what a privilege it is to experience the joy and the freedom that is… being single.

Stay tuned for more chapters, Wednesdays at 8pm, Est

Aside from Adam, there was one other guy who wasted her time over the summer. We’ll call him Dennis. They had matched on Bumble and chatted for a while, eventually moving it over to Instagram. Dennis would message her, she would reply, and he would either leave her on Read, or just not even look at the message for a couple days. She was quickly irritated and impatient with his inconsistency, so she unfollowed him and removed him as a follower.

A few days later she got another message from him, which surprised her because she didn’t realize he could still message her after she had removed him. In the message Dennis apologized for his poor communication, and pleaded with her to let him take her out.

On one hand, she had already completely dismissed him and was not interested in playing his game. On the other hand, it was rare for a guy to take accountability for himself and seem genuine in his efforts to make up for it. Unsurprisingly, she caved and agreed to go out with him. Dennis happened to live in the same end of town as she did, which was also rare, so they arranged to meet that Friday at a nearby bar.

Friday came, and she and Dennis had been texting all day. They were meant to meet for 8pm, but as she arrived he messaged her saying he was going to be late. Not off to a great start, but she was nothing if not forgiving. The hostess sat her at a quiet booth on the other side of the bar area. Ten minutes went by. Fifteen. She told herself that if he made it to thirty, she was out. Then she rolled her eyes at her own stupidity. Oh yea, because her standards are so high. Twenty-nine minutes late is fine, but thirty is a deal breaker…

Twenty minutes before he rushed in, sweaty and frantic. That was comforting. At least he realized how shitty it was of him to be late like that. “Sorry!” he said as he leaned down to give her a half-hug as she struggled to reach up to him from her seat in the booth. “I stopped to get us some drinks for later. The line at the liquor store was crazy!” Drinks for later? We’re at a bar now…, she thought to herself. She wasn’t sure what he had planned in his head, but she hadn’t had any intention of going anywhere else.

The server came by to get their drink orders. She asked for a glass of Pinot Grigio, while Dennis ordered a double rum and coke, and a shot of Jack. Jesus Christ, she thought to herself. She tried not to let it bother her, but like, relax bro. It’s a first date, not a rager.

Despite the terrible start, Dennis was actually very articulate and well spoken. He was funny and charming, and asked interesting questions. He was attentive to her answers, and she felt genuinely heard in everything she was saying.

They bonded over their past bad relationships, and he fawned over her. Telling her how beautiful and sexy she was. Maybe that was the booze, though. Throughout their nearly three-hour date, she had had two 5oz glasses of wine, while Dennis had had three doubles, and four shots. He wasn’t a big guy, either. He was maybe 5’8. He used to be an almost pro boxer so he was fit for sure, but how he managed to drink all that in such a short time period without falling down was surprising to her.

By the end of the date, Dennis had somehow charmed her enough that they were holding hands across the table. He was gently stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Starved for affection, per yooj, she was literal putty in his hands. They had talked about their pets, and he had shown her pictures of his new puppy. “Do you want to come back and see her?” he asked. She paused, and smirked, before telling him that she didn’t want to go back to his place because she knew what would happen, and she wasn’t looking to hook up on the first date.

“No, no!” Dennis insisted. “No sex if you’re not comfortable. I’ve just been out so much today that I really should go back and take her out, but I also don’t want this date to end yet…” She wasn’t sure if she was being an informed, independent lady making her own choices, or if she was just a gullible sucker enjoying the dopamine hits Dennis kept giving her. Regardless of the reason, she caved again and agreed to go see his dog.

Dennis lived about five minutes down the road. She was concerned about his drinking and driving, but being that she would be following him in her own car, and that it was just a short drive away, she pushed her reservations aside and followed him back to his place. (In writing this, please know that she sees all these red flags. She saw them then, too, but man! Being attention starved and horny can really cloud a person’s judgement.)

Dennis lived in a renovated basement apartment below a beautiful single home in a newly developed suburban area. They walked up around the side of the house, and downstairs to his apartment. No, it wasn’t creepy. No, she didn’t fear for her safety. She was, however, utterly disgusted with how dirty his place was. Dishes piled high in the sink, spilling out over the counters. Grime and filth everywhere. Clothes in piles all over the place. Very much a bachelor pad. The dog, however, was cute as fuck.

He got the leash on the dog and they headed back outside. No idea what kind of dog it was, but she had huge paws and a goofy little walk. She fell in love with this little puppy. They walked around for maybe twenty minutes or so before heading back. She had intended to leave, but Dennis had immediately started clearing out the mess and apologizing for how gross it all was.

She knew that if she didn’t leave right then, that they’d end up having sex. By that point she just figured, what the hell! The last guy she had had sex with was Curtis, who had devastated her when he told her wasn’t ready for anything serious after his last relationship. Maybe, she thought, it was time to get a little action?

She sat on the couch, which was actually a nice piece of furniture once all the clothes had been shoved off of it. Dennis sat down beside her, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Got her nice and nuzzled in, and began looking for something to throw on the TV before the inevitable canoodling started. He settled on a Kevin Hart stand up special. Because obviously nothing says romance like Kevin Hart yelling at you from a TV screen.

They started making out. He was a decent kisser, but she’d had better for sure. Also the beak of his baseball cap was knocking her in the forehead, so she yanked it off his head. The look of terror and shock on his face; like she had just killed his dog. When all she had done was expose his extremely receding hairline. He definitely looked better with the cap on so she understood why he wore it, but seriously? You think she’d want to keep going while being jabbed in the face with it? No thanks.

They moved the party to the bedroom, where of course the sheets were strewn about, barely hanging on to the mattress. At this point, not only was she disgusted with Dennis, but she was disgusted with herself that she had ignored every single dis-interested feeling she had had towards him, just because he was giving her attention. How low was her self esteem if yet another guy like this giving her compliments was enough to once again make her abandon her instincts? Why did she keep repeating this pattern?

The sex was quick and uninspired. She 100% did not finish. Not even close. He, however, was like a fish out of water when he orgasmed. His entire body flailing about like he was having a full on seizure, accompanied by the most over the top, exaggerated moans. It took everything in her power not to burst out laughing. Once he finished, she excused herself to the dirty, filmy, grimy bathroom to freshen up and get dressed. Dennis was basically a whole new person, now. Tired and dismissive, he barely walked her out. She left his apartment feeling lower than she had in a long, long time.

She sat in her car in silence for a few moments. She had come a long way in her quest for self improvement, but every now and then she’d have moments like this that would make her question everything. Why the fuck had she let this happen again? She didn’t even want to go over! She didn’t want to have sex and yet, she just did it. He didn’t force her, he wasn’t aggressive. He just asked. And his interest in her alone was enough to make her abandon herself.

She had said it before, but she was saying it again, no more of that shit. The fleeting dopamine rush was never worth the come down of self loathing that nearly always accompanied interactions like that. She blocked and unfollowed Dennis on Instagram before starting her car and heading home.

Tomorrow was a new day, she told herself. Another chance at a fresh start. It was early June. She had the rest of what would be an absolutely amazing summer ahead of her, and dating was about to take a backseat to all the more fulfilling aspects of her life.

Continue to Chapter Eighty Eight

Summer 2023 was one of her best summer’s to date. She and her friend share the same birthday, so every year their combined birthday bash is basically the kick-off to the season. This year they hosted their birthday on a Tiki boat. They toured on the water around the downtown core while sipping cocktails and dancing to a killer throwback playlist. She couldn’t have asked for a better way to celebrate, or for a better start to the summer.

A couple weeks later, she attended an annual music festival that her city puts on each summer. There were tons of bands and performers that she had hoped to see, but the dates didn’t align with any of her friends’ schedules, so she had no one to go with. She contemplated not going at all but realized what a waste that would have been for her. Why did she need someone to go with? Why couldn’t she just go alone? So she did. And she had an even better time than she had ever had at that music festival before. Solo dates are the best!

Being that she was alone, she was able to wiggle her way through the crowds and get as close as she possibly could to the stage. Everyone around her was there for the same reason; to enjoy the music and to see their favourite performers. So even though she was on her own, she was among friends. She was also able to squirm out of the crowds just before the last songs ended and scored first dibs on the porta-potties before booking it out of the festival grounds ahead of the hordes of people. She was so happy and proud of herself for not holding herself back from those experiences just because she was solo. Big life lesson learned there. She now knows for certain that she is her own best company.

Mid-summer, her friend had invited her to join her, her husband and their toddler son on an amazing vacation. Her friends’ sister-in-law lived across the country, and was getting married. Her friend and her husband were attending the wedding, but needed someone to watch their son during the reception. She jumped at the chance to join them on their trip.

The first few days, her friends were occupied with pre-wedding events and activities, so she was able to spend a few jam-packed days with her own family who happened to live out that way as well. It was the perfect opportunity to see aunts and cousins she doesn’t get to see often. The day of the wedding, she picked up her friends’ son from the wedding venue and had a fun little evening just her and her toddler pal. Then later that week, her friends’ husband flew home while she and her friend and her son headed out a little further west to visit another friend of theirs who had moved out that way a few years prior. This was the trip of a lifetime and she just felt so grateful for that experience.

Towards the end of the summer, she finally made some headway in regard to her ADHD diagnosis. That might not sound like a fun time, but it really was such a significant moment in her life, and she counts herself lucky to finally be properly medicated. Now she is able to move forward in a way that works for her. (Click here to read).

Shortly afterwards, she spent a lovely weekend with some friends at a cottage, she went for some hikes with her parents’ dog, she had some girls’ nights out on the town, and she ended the summer in mid-September with a road-trip to a small family reunion at her cousin’s property about 2hrs away from where she lived. Yes, her family is huge, so it was nice to see other relatives she hadn’t seen in a while. All in all, that summer was one for the books.

It’s probably evident, then, why she didn’t really get up to too much dating over those three months. She accepted the odd date here and there, but overall she was just too busy enjoying herself and the more fulfilling aspects of her life.

Early in the summer she had matched with a guy on Bumble who possessed some of the attributes she would normally look for in a guy, but there were also a few things about him that turned her off. She had been trying to expand her horizons in regard to her “type”, so she figured she’d give this guy a chance. We’ll call him Adam.

Adam was a tall fellow. Broad and husky, with a nice dark beard and dark hair. While she definitely had a thing for tall, dark and handsome, Adam’s hair was greased back with so much oil you could fry an egg on his head in the right heat. He was also wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt in every single one of his photos. Different shirts in each pic!

These are some of things she typically would have swiped left on, but he had kind eyes and a nice smile so she gave him the benefit of the doubt. They got to chatting. He was charming and funny and didn’t allude to sex in any way, shape, or form, which was refreshing. They agreed to meet that Friday at what had become her favourite first date pub.

Friday rolled around, and she headed downtown to meet him. She had to take a lap or two around the block to find a parking space, and in doing so she lucked out and found street parking directly beside the bar. While she was searching, however, she drove past Adam strolling down the street in his signature Hawaiian shirt, complete with slides that even from her car she could envision the sound of them slapping against his feet. She shuddered, and immediately second guessed her decision. Then she realized how superficial she sounded and talked herself back up to being open minded.

She parked, and as she got out and turned the corner she saw Adam standing outside the bar waiting for her. She’s not a big hugger on first dates. Not upon greeting, anyways. If the dates go well she’ll hug at the end, but typically she’ll just say hello and introduce herself before moving towards whatever table or setting she and her date would be headed. Adam, however, was a hugger. He wrapped her up in his giant, hairy arms, and held her tightly against his sweaty torso. She cringed as she gave the ol’ double pat on the back to indicate the hug was over.

They headed down the steps into the pub and were quickly seated at a high top table out on the patio. It was awkward at first. She could tell he was shy, which was surprising considering how much attention his wardrobe attracted.

The server came by and they ordered some drinks. Once they had each settled in to their cocktails, he seemed to get a little more comfortable. She found out that Adam had been single for about seven years. He said that with his job and then the pandemic, he’d just had a lot of trouble finding the right scenario in which to meet women. He worked as a programmer for some tech company, so was already working remotely when Covid hit. 

She told him a bit about her past relationship, and they bonded over their shitty exes. After they had each had another drink, they agreed to leave and just take a walk around the downtown area. She ended up oversharing way more than she had hoped to, but Adam’s conversation skills were subpar at best, so she felt obligated to fill the awkward silences.

They ended up strolling over to the city’s canal area, which stretched the length of much of downtown. It was late, it was dark, and she never would have gone around there on her own at that hour. Looking back now she realized it was also sketchy to even have gone with Adam, but if you had seen him or spoken to him you would understand how she felt no fear from being with him. He was a giant teddy bear.

As they walked along the canal, she mentioned to him how she would never have gone there alone, and he was annoyingly flabbergasted to hear of her safety concerns as a woman out late at night. “Oh wow, that never occurred to me,” he said. She subtly rolled her eyes as they continued on their way. It always bothered her when men couldn’t fathom the fear women have in those situations… but that’s a rant for another time.

After about 20 minutes or so, they made their way back towards the bar. He walked her to her car and he wrapped her up in another uncomfortable and sweaty hug. She was happy to have given him a chance, but knew pretty well that she wasn’t in to him. Except, when Adam messaged her the next day asking if she would be interested in grabbing dinner another time, she said yes. She knew her pattern of writing off nice guys too early, and though some of his qualities did annoy her, she saw what a good guy he was and wanted to give it another go.

Their second date was set for that coming Thursday. She had been dreading it the entire week. Her motivation for giving the nice guy a chance had dwindled, and she wanted to cancel but instead had decided she would go and just make up some excuse to leave the date early. She worked close to his end of town, so they agreed to meet somewhere closer to him this time. She arrived to the restaurant and again saw him waiting outside for her. She got out of her car clutching her forehead and immediately lied to him saying she had a terrible headache. He was empathetic but seemingly unconcerned.

The server showed them to their table, and she then had to proceed as if her head were pounding throughout the entire meal. The conversation was lackluster at most since she wasn’t engaging as much as she had on the first date, and he never seemed to have anything interesting to contribute.

Adam had originally suggested they go for another walk, this time around a picturesque nature trail nearby. They got through their meal, and when it was time to settle up she really laid it on thick that she didn’t think she’d be able to join him for another stroll. He was visibly annoyed, which sort of surprised her after him having witnessed her Oscar worthy headache performance all evening, but he walked her to her car again and gave her another awkward and sweaty hug. He told her to text him, and she agreed knowing full well that was a lie, and then off she went. She didn’t reach out to him again, nor did he reach out to her.

She was relieved that he had gotten the message, but also felt bad for having gone through that whole headache rigmarole. He was a nice guy. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings by just bailing, but she knew that lying to him wasn’t any better. She should have just canceled rather than put on a show. Oh well, she thought. Guess nice guys do finish last…

Continue to Chapter Eighty Seven

I’ve recently discovered that I have ADHD. It occurred to me while I was watching a celebrity’s Instagram story. She was speaking candidly about her ADHD tendencies, and she carried that dialogue on to her podcast. So much of what she was describing pertained to my own life experiences. I began researching ADHD in women, and was shocked to find how many symptoms resonated with me.

Never once in my 30 something years on this earth had it ever occurred to me that I could have ADHD. I always thought of it as only hyper physical activity. My younger male cousin was diagnosed with it as a child. He was constantly bouncing off the walls, running around, never stopped moving and never shut up. Yes, I could be chatty – ask any one of my elementary or high school teachers – but I was never hyperactive like that. The most I’d ever thought of myself and my odd tendencies was that I was just quirky. Creative. A right brained, emotional Cancer with a lot to say. Could all my “quirks” actually be symptoms of ADHD?

I made an appointment with my doctor in early July 2023. In our 15-minute conversation, she felt she could say with certainty that I do in fact have ADHD. However, she informed me that as a General Practitioner, she couldn’t provide me with an official diagnosis. If I wanted to obtain one, which would provide me with certified documentation, I would have to see a psychologist and pay upwards of $2,000. No thank you.

She then suggested an online counselling program called Frida, which would cost something closer to $600. Significantly cheaper, yes, but I still don’t have that kind of money to shell out for a piece of paper. (I later learned that Frida also offers online therapy and assistance in navigating your diagnosis. Still, though, I just can’t afford that right now.)

Fortunately, my doctor has been my GP since I was a child. She knows my history and she knows me. She said she felt comfortable prescribing me with one month’s worth of a medication called Vyvanse, and that we could reconvene to see how I felt after taking it. Before she did so, however, she first wanted me to take home some ADHD literature, along with a short quiz to see if I did, in fact, fall within the parameters of an ADHD diagnosis. We scheduled a follow up appointment two weeks from then.

When I got home, I read through the information my doctor had provided me, and I completed the quiz. There were only two symptoms out of twelve that did not resonate with me. I was shocked to see it all on paper. My entire chaotic life staring me back in the face.

All those years of thriving in clutter and chaos, of not being able to stick to a budget, of being impulsive and emotional and anxious and depressed. Feeling such little self-worth and constantly experiencing joyous, euphoric highs, but equally heart breaking and gut-wrenching lows. These feelings and examples can apply to any number of people for any number of reasons – society alone plays an overwhelming part in all of that – but the extremity of it all, for me, now had a real root cause.

A glimmer of hope shone through as I realized this could be the beginning of a whole new chapter for me. One in which I don’t feel depressed and ashamed and scattered and frantic all the time. One where I might be able to put into practice all my well-intentioned ideas and efforts for my future and my life. Would this be the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for?

The two weeks passed, and I returned to see my doctor. It was actually my doctor’s resident I met with this time. In typical ADHD fashion, I forgot to bring the quiz back with me. The resident gave me another quiz and I filled it out again. We then discussed my options. She confirmed that she was authorized to prescribe me with a month’s worth of Vyvanse, but asked if I had read the information I had been provided, and if I was sure I wanted to try this medication. I had and I was. She then sent in an e-prescription to my pharmacy, and I left the appointment feeling even more hopeful.

After resolving some issues with my pharmacy, I was finally able to get my prescription filled three weeks after my appointment. First the medication was on backorder, then the pharmacy just didn’t call me for two weeks. When I finally was able to start it, it was the week I was going away on vacation. I went back and forth with myself debating whether I should start it that week, or wait until I got back. It’s not like I really needed to focus on anything while I was away. Ultimately, though, I did decide to start taking it so that I could get it into my system and hopefully start seeing a change by the time I came home. 

The prescription said to start with one 20mg pill per day, in the morning. After two weeks, it said to double up and start on 40mg. I started the pills on the Tuesday of the week I was going on vacation, and left that Friday. I was away for ten days, and the entire time I didn’t really notice a difference in myself. 

My first day back at work, however, was day one of starting on the 40mg. Holy. Hell. What a change! I can’t remember a time I had ever been so productive. I had almost two weeks’ worth of work to catch up on, and I was back on track by mid-week. That was the main thing I noticed first, that I was laser focused. By the end of the first week on the 40’s, I also noticed an uptick in how much water I had been drinking. Specifically, because I was constantly waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I realized my mouth was often very dry, and noted that as one of the side effects I was experiencing. 

That weekend, I had been invited to a friend’s house to celebrate her husband’s birthday. My diet (though it’s not a “diet” per se, just my food preferences) is already a lot different than that of my friends. They had burgers and sausages and all sorts of things prepared for the BBQ, and I brought my little chicken burger for myself. There were tons of delicious sides, and I was excited for the meal. However, when all was said and done, I ate my chicken burger without a bun, and only nibbled on a few sides before I was full. That’s when it occurred to me that the Vyvanse was hindering my appetite. 

I thought back to what I had eaten all week, and though I was definitely eating three meals a day, I realized that I hadn’t snacked in bed since before I went away on my vacation. This was a huge win for me. If you’re up to date on the blog you’ll know, I had lost a bunch of weight throughout the pandemic. While I was still doing well keeping it off, some of my bad eating habits had been pretty hard to break. Snacking in bed being one of them.

I was overjoyed that this might be the start of me really getting my few remaining unhealthy eating habits under control. While I’m aware that Vyvanse is an amphetamine which is why it was curbing my appetite, I also know that I am an emotional eater who eats when I’m bored, and I realized that I hadn’t felt that feeling of boredom in some time. That feeling of like, an infinite void that needs to be filled, and only food can satiate it.

I know it’s a chemical thing because of the medication, but I felt, in my own unprofessional medical opinion, that my brain was sort of being re-wired to no longer have that feeling of emptiness. I made a mental note to ensure I would continue to eat my three meals a day, whether I felt hungry or not, so as not to fall into any disordered eating patterns.

The following week was about the same, however that weekend (so almost two weeks of being on 40mg, and almost a full month total of being medicated), I went away to a friend’s cottage. I had taken the Friday off of work, and after I was packed and ready, I was sitting in the living room chatting with my mom. She asked me if everything was okay. I confirmed that things were better than okay, and began to tell her how I was feeling being on Vyvanse.

Her face lit up as she expressed her relief to understand why I had been acting so differently all week. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but she went on to explain that for that entire week she had thought I was mad at her. I had been going up to my room earlier than usual, I was more reserved, and I wasn’t constantly chatting her ear off. It blew her mind to realize that my medication had noticeably altered my behaviour that much. I wasn’t “buzzing” anymore, she said. I was stunned to find out she had noticed such a difference in me. I assured her that nothing was wrong, and thanked her for giving me some outside feedback. 

Later that night at the cottage, as we kept warm and dry sitting around the patio table under the gazebo, I confided in my two girlfriends that I had started Vyvanse. In almost complete unison they both reacted as if a lightbulb had gone on in both their heads. They then each expressed how they had noticed a significant difference in me at the BBQ the weekend before. Nothing bad, they said, but they noticed I had been quieter. They said I still seemed happy, and not that anything seemed wrong, but that there were sometimes lulls in conversation throughout that night, for example, that usually would have been filled with me talking. “In a good way!”, they clarified. 

Once more, I was shocked that the people around me had observed such a drastic difference. I truly hadn’t realized that my behaviour had changed that significantly. Except then I began to notice even that night that I was more quiet than I usually would have been. Again, not that anything was wrong, I just didn’t feel a need to add too much to the conversations that were being had. I was more intent on listening.  

That weekend I also noticed a significant decrease in my alcohol consumption. I’ve mentioned this in previous blog chapters, that even before starting on Vyvanse I had been consciously trying to slow down on drinking. Booze had never done me any favours, and I was over that feeling of shame and guilt from doing stupid things. I also definitely could no longer handle the 2-3 day hangovers I had grown accustomed to. Now, however, even just casual drinking, with no intent of drinking to get drunk, was of little interest to me. I can equate it to that feeling of, y’know when you’re full? And the thought of taking that last bite will just send you over the edge? It was sort of like that.

In addition to the drinking, back in June I had also decided to slow down on smoking weed. That was about the time it had occurred to me that I might have ADHD, and I was noticing that the weed wasn’t serving me as it used to. I would smoke it at night to help me sleep, but over the last several months or so (maybe year, even?), I realized that it was the weed that was causing my nighttime anxiety, and was doing the complete opposite of what I was intending it to. 

So that cottage weekend, being on the 40mg of Vyvanse, I barely drank, and the one time I took a single toke of someone’s joint I felt the head rush and the high immediately, and an overwhelming wave of instant anxiety. That pretty much sealed the deal for me that weed just isn’t for me anymore. I’ll admit, though, I did bring some hash with me that weekend. The body buzz was exactly what I had hoped for to chill me out by the fire. Can’t give up all external pleasures, right?

Driving home from the cottage that Sunday, I was reminiscing about the fun we had just had over the last two days, and was doing some self-reflection. It was then that it hit me that I really hadn’t experienced my typical level of joy or excitement. I had definitely had fun and enjoyed myself, but I realized that my emotions had sort of plateaued. I’m usually a very excitable and enthusiastic person, but I hadn’t been that weekend. I had felt sort of flat, but only realized it afterwards.  

At the same time, I realized that I hadn’t felt my typical lows lately, either. When I get sad or anxious, there’s no hiding it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I feel a negative emotion, it’s all consuming. But I hadn’t felt like that in a while, either. No complaints on that end. The lows I’ve felt in my life were oftentimes very dark and lonely, so it would be a relief to not ever get to that point again. On the other hand, though, I really didn’t want to lose my joy. 

Fortunately, my follow up appointment with my doctor was the next day, and I could talk all this out with her then. When I arrived for my appointment, I was left in the examination room for about ten minutes before my doctor came in. When she did, she didn’t ask me about how I was feeling, she immediately started talking to me about my work, and life in general. I was thrown off, but I answered her questions nonetheless. It was only a few minutes into our conversation that I realized she was likely gauging my speech pattern. Seeing if I was still talking a mile a minute, and observing my general behaviour. 

When we finally got down to what I was there for, I told her all about the side effects I had been experiencing, both positive and negative, and I mentioned how I had been feeling emotionally flat. She confirmed that that was one of the main side effects for all ADHD medication, and we agreed that it would be a good idea to reduce me from 40mg to 30mg. She told me to use the 30’s during the week, but to keep the rest of the 20’s I had for weekends when I wouldn’t need a high dose. This would allow me to still function without noticing a significant change in how I would feel. She submitted the e-prescription and, fortunately, my pharmacy was more on the ball this time and I was able to pick up the new dosage the next day.  

That first week on the 30mg dose seemed like any other week. I wasn’t as productive as I had been on the 40’s, but work was also slower that week so there was less to do. I had no plans that weekend, so I was thinking about not taking the 20mg pills like my doctor had suggested, because what would I need them for if I was just doing nothing at home? Saturday, however, I did end up having things to do, so I took a 20mg and had a great day. Got a lot done around the house, went for a hike with the dog, was feelin’ good. Then Sunday I had literally nothing whatsoever to do, so I decided to skip it.  

At my initial appointment with my doctor, she had told me that Vyvanse was a medication that did not need weaning off of. She said people can just stop taking it and there were minimal withdrawal side effects. It was for that reason that I thought a “medication vacation” would be fine for one day. However, as the day progressed, I felt myself feeling anxious. Restless. Uncomfortable in my own skin.  

I felt sad for no reason, and the emotional boredom void had come back in full force. I ate literally anything and everything in sight that day, which just increased my anxiety and depression, and re-introduced the self-loathing I hadn’t felt in a while. I thought this was all because I had nothing to do and I was just bored, but I realized that evening that it was because I hadn’t taken the meds that day.

I was so surprised by how immediate and intense all these old, negative feelings and habits were. Lesson learned, I guess. No medication vacations for me. I’d rather be medicated every day for the rest of my life than feel so terrible about myself ever again. I’ve done three decades of that, I’m good.

Aside from all these noticeable side effects, both good and bad, I wanted to find out more about this new identity I was shifting in to as someone with ADHD, as well as learn more about Vyvanse and its affects. I first started researching the effects of Cannabis on people with ADHD.

I was surprised, yet not, to discover studies have shown that more than half of daily Cannabis users have ADHD. I’m sure most of you know the effects that weed has on the body. However, if you’re one of the few people on the planet who’ve never tried it, Cannabis, while often providing a fun, giddy, all-consuming positive feeling, can also decrease motivation and impair memory, as well as hinder executive motor functions. It can also increase disorders such as paranoia, anxiety and depression.  Additionally, I found out, it further impairs areas and functions of the brain that are uniquely impaired by ADHD.

Like most stoners, I started smoking weed in my teens. I was about 17, I’d say, when I started, and had smoked fairly regularly ever since. I knew that pot’s negative effects are most harmful on young, developing brains, but I wasn’t aware that people with ADHD, whose brain development is already delayed by slowly maturing frontal lobes, are thus more vulnerable to the effects on neuronal connections. Basically, I was already at a neurological disadvantage, and I made it worse by self-medicating with weed all those years. Well fuck!

I was down the rabbit hole now, and next started looking in to ADHD and dating. What sparked this whole ADHD journey for me in the first place was hearing about the actress with ADHD talk about her dating life. She was recently divorced, and was starting on the dating apps. She quickly realized that they were a bad idea for her because she knew that she would hyper fixate on a person and would undoubtedly be left heartbroken over and over and over again.

At the time, I had never even really heard the term “hyper fixate”, but alarm bells went off in my head because that is 100% what I do. I cling to anyone who pays me the slightest bit of attention, and then I’m left bewildered and devastated when they inevitably ghost me or things just don’t work out.

One article I found talked about how dating apps, at first, can often be an ADHD brain’s ideal activity as every swipe and new match triggers a burst of dopamine. Then all of a sudden you have dozens of new matches, multiple conversations going on simultaneously, and several dates lined up in one week. When I read that my jaw dropped because that is literally the exact dating app pattern I fell in to when I first became single. In the 3+ years since, I’ve learned to curb my matches and conversations so I don’t feel overwhelmed, but damn! That hit it right on the nose for me.

It then went on to explain that while that pattern can occur for anyone, it’s amplified in the ADHD brain. Specifically, in regard to an ADHD brain’s inability to focus. It said that dating apps reward distractibility, and when a person with a short attention span is spread too thin, it can be difficult to be fully present for one person or match. Then the cycle of desperately wanting to be in a relationship, yet at the same time wanting to lean in to the stimulation of serial dating, just continues to repeat.

Again, reading that blew my mind because that is exactly how I feel. I dated someone at the end of last year for about 4 months (see Chapters 72 through 76). On paper he was everything I could have ever wanted from a potential relationship, except the entire time I kept feeling like there was something missing. I know that some of that had to do with some minor sexual incompatibility, but I realized after reading that article that it also had to do with me not wanting to settle down, or take myself off the market. The lure of other new and exciting encounters was always running in the back of my mind. And while the dating pool is undoubtedly polluted with narcissists and fuck boys, I realized me not being in a relationship also has to do with my constant craving for that next dopamine hit.

The article stated that the rush of dopamine is also a cause for the hyper fixation ADHD brains experience. Matching with someone gives you the rush of knowing someone is interested in you, then once a connection begins to build, you’re hooked. It continued on to explain how it’s extremely difficult for a person with ADHD to move slowly in a relationship because their brains are just so delighted by the way a new relationship makes them feel.

Another “Aha” moment for me there because I felt that that explained a bit more as to why I allowed my ex and that terrible, toxic relationship to move forward as quickly as it did. My ex is the dictionary definition of a Narcissist, and he love bombed the shit out of me when we first met. I didn’t have the language to express that at the time, but that’s definitely what happened. And so, my naïve little ADHD brain was thus overjoyed at all the attention, validation and reassurance he gave me.

I feel like that also explains why I ignored all the blinding red flags he presented. He would tear me down and the fantasy bubble in my brain would burst, but then he would love bomb me again and I was sucked right back in. On one hand I felt frustrated to have realized this after the fact. I think about all the heartache I could have avoided had I been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, so I might have been better prepared for someone like my ex. On the other hand, it’s a bit of a relief to know that that entire time in my life wasn’t just me being desperate and stupid. It was literally a neurological disorder hindering me from making fully informed choices.

That article led me to another ADHD related piece on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). I had never heard that term before, but my god, I was flabbergasted after reading up on it. The article explained that RSD is when a person experiences severe emotional pain because of a failure, or from feeling rejected. Experts suspect that it happens due to the ADHD brain’s inability to regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviours, making those feelings much more intense. 

According to this article, research has shown that Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD brains is similar to another disorder called Rejection Sensitivity, but there is one key difference. Both disorders involve the brain’s inability to properly regulate its own emotional signals. Emotions then become too big to manage, causing feelings of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Both conditions can also cause severe feelings of anxiety before an anticipated rejection, as well as overreactions to feelings of rejection which can lead to anger, rage, extreme sadness and extreme anxiety. The Dysphoria part of RSD, however, can bring on feelings of intense and overwhelming emotional pain.

That emotional pain is so powerful that it’s difficult for a person with ADHD/RSD to even describe. However, it demonstrates in behaviours such as being easily embarrassed or self-conscious, as well as having extremely low self-esteem. It is also often difficult to contain one’s emotions to any perceived rejection, resulting in rage in some people, or uncontrollable tears in others (me). In an effort to control these uncontrollable emotions, people with ADHD/RSD may turn their feelings inwards, which could look like a snap onset of severe depression. They’re also often “people pleasers” and become intensely focused on avoiding disapproval from others.

The day I read all that, I sat on my bed and cried and cried and cried. Never had I ever been able to articulate exactly how I felt, and this article had done just that. I now understood why, growing up, I had always hated myself so severely. Societal influences aside, it now made sense why I was constantly striving for people’s approval. Trying to be the best version of whatever person I perceived that they wanted me to be, while at the same time just utterly loathing myself and wondering why or how anyone could ever care about or like me. It made me realize, too, why I would constantly be thinking that my friends and family were mad at me. Did I say the wrong thing? Am I being annoying? Did I do something wrong?

It also explained why I had molded myself into some stranger of a person to suit my ex’s expectations, and made sense of why I’ve always been overly emotional. How, when I would get sad, it would manifest as severe, dark, end-of-the-world depression. This realization was extremely overwhelming, but it was also a relief. It felt like the scattered puzzle pieces of my life were finally coming together and falling into place.

After all that research, I was then led towards treatments and medications. A quick Google search of Vyvanse showed me that this medication works by altering the balance of chemicals in the brain by increasing its norepinephrine and dopamine levels. I already knew that dopamine was a natural occurring substance in the brain that stimulates feelings of pleasure. While norepinephrine, I read, is a stimulant that helps you stay awake, pay attention, and think clearly.

If taken properly, Vyvanse has helped thousands of people with ADHD overcome their struggles and live happy, productive lives. Its effects on the ADHD brain have proven to increase energy and focus, while decreasing feelings of anxiety and irritability, as well as excessive talking. It also, as I mentioned experiencing, decreases the need for food and sleep. Some other side effects listed which I had also already experienced were dry mouth, and over heating/sweating. It was both surprising and hilarious, though, to read that Vyvanse has also been reported to cause hypersexuality; an excessive preoccupation with sexual thoughts, urges and behaviours. And here I thought I was just texting fuck boys because I was ovulating!

Even though I’ve yammered on about this for ages now, I still cannot properly express the overwhelming relief I feel to have realized that I have this disorder. Growing up, I remember there being such a stigma on ADHD or ADD, and I’m so happy that the mental health conversation in society has come around to a more positive and productive place. Finding this out about myself has been, and continues to be, such a blessing. Knowing why I think and behave the way I do has made me a happier, more complete version of myself.

I’m grateful to my doctor for being so receptive to my suggestion that I could have it, and for working with me to adjust my medication to a dosage that suits me perfectly. Though at the time of writing this I’ve only been on this new dosage for a couple weeks, I no longer feel that emotional flatness that I had felt on the higher dose. Yet I still feel the positive changes of it like being better able to focus, and not feeling that constant brain fog, or severe feelings of self-loathing and depression I had become so accustomed to.

I’m optimistic that this will also have a positive effect on my dating life. I’m looking forward to being able to regulate my emotions and feelings, and I feel like I am now better suited and more open to actually finding someone to share my life with. This time, whenever I do get into another relationship, I’ll do it as the real me. Not as the person I think my partner wants me to be.

If any of this has resonated with you, I lovingly suggest that you talk to your doctor and see if you, too, might have ADHD, or any other kind of mental health disorder. Ignorance is not bliss. The more self aware we are, the better able we are to give ourselves the best possible chance of living happy, healthy and productive lives. There’s no shame in the mental health game. Finding this out about myself has brought me so much peace, and my hope for anyone else struggling with mental health issues is that they can find that same relief for themselves, also.

Now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest, stay tuned for more mis-adventures in dating in the coming weeks. Wednesdays at 8pm, EST.

Sources:

Busy Philipps is Finding Herself

The Damaging Effects of Cannabis on the ADHD Brain

From Love Bombing to Boredom: Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?

Verywell Loved: Why Is Dating With ADHD So Hard?

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

A week or two prior to her date with Curtis, she had agreed to house sit for a friend on the weekend following her date. Her friend had told her previously that she trusted her judgment, and that if she ever wanted to have someone over while she was staying at their place, she was welcome to invite them.

By Tuesday of that week (so 3 days after her date), she was still on a high from her mind blowing evening with Curtis. Though they had agreed to space out their rendezvous, she took a chance and texted Curtis asking if he’d be interested in coming over the following weekend.

“Just can’t get enough of me?” Curtis jokingly replied. “Guess not 😉” she responded, hopeful that he would want to hang out again. “I’d love to. We can figure out the details later, but yea I’m down” he agreed. Her stomach exploded in to a million butterflies. She could barely contain her excitement, but just replied, “Sweet, sounds good.”

They didn’t talk the rest of the day, nor on the Wednesday. Totally normal, obviously. There’s no need to constantly be connected. They had confirmed a second date for that coming Saturday, and she had planned to shoot him a text on the Friday. Thursday afternoon, however, she was delighted to see Curtis’ name light up her phone. She eagerly swiped it open and checked his message. Then her heart sank…

His text read something to the effect of, “Hey. I’m really sorry to do this, but I’m not going to be able to meet up on Saturday. I had a really great time with you. I think you’re awesome, and very sexy, but I just don’t think I’m ready to date again so soon after my last relationship. I hope you can understand…”

She wanted to throw her phone. She wanted to scream. She wanted to smash her desk in to a million little pieces but instead all she did was sit there, staring blankly at the screen. The bite mark bruises on her ass hadn’t even healed yet, and he was already breaking things off with her.

She waited a while to reply, but when she finally did she said something along the lines of, “Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. But okay, I understand.” He replied almost immediately saying, “Thanks. I’m really sorry, again. Maybe when I’m feeling more up to dating, we can reconnect?”

She hated him for saying that. That was a line straight out of the Douchebag Handbook. Dropping crumbs of hope to keep her hooked. Erik had done the same thing to her. A lot of guys had, actually. She responded, “Yea maybe” and then deleted the text thread. He didn’t reply.

She tossed her phone down and just sat there, staring out her cubicle window. She couldn’t help the small stream of tears falling from her eyes. She wasn’t heartbroken over Curtis. She knew, she had always known, that he was just another guy. Another guy who seemed amazing, who inevitably would let her down. She was, however, angry with herself.

Once again, she had let herself get her hopes up. Once again she had ignored her instincts and had let herself get overly excited about a fleeting feeling. She had also ignored Curtis’ exact words from the beginning telling her he wasn’t interested in anything serious.

The thing is, she wasn’t asking for anything serious. She wasn’t romanticizing a full-fledged relationship with him. She wasn’t imagining herself introducing him to her friends and family, going on romantic weekend getaways, or house hunting with him. All she wanted was some fucking follow through. For one guy, ONE GUY, to finally want to see her a second time.

She reminded herself that it wasn’t necessarily because she had had sex with Curtis on the first date. She hadn’t had sex with either Erik nor Luca, and they both bailed on their tentative plans for a second date, also. In fact, most guys never went through with a second date, regardless of if she hooked up with someone or not. So what was it about her that made guys only interested in her for one night? 

She was distracted for the rest of her work day. She just kept thinking about how she was the only common denominator in all this, so clearly something was wrong with her that was making guys retreat from ever seeing her more than once. The only feedback she’d ever gotten from anyone was of how chill she was. How fun she seemed and how great a date they’d had.

She obviously wasn’t expecting a guy to come out and say, “Oh ya you’re the worst!”, but she wondered how she could ever figure out what she was or wasn’t doing that was driving all these guys away. Or if it was something about her physically that made guys seem to run for the hills.  Obviously this wasn’t the most positive or feminist outlook to have, but she was hurt. She was sad. And it’s hard for one to stay positive when being continuously rejected time and time again.

As she had done several times before, she decided to hide her profiles again. Clearly dating just wasn’t for her. Not right now, anyways. She recognized that an unhealthy amount of her time was spent on her phone, swiping away on guy after guy, and that that behaviour just wasn’t serving her anymore. All the time she had wasted pining away over these strangers, who brought nothing to her life other than stress and anxiety, could have been better spent working towards her goals.

It had been three and a half years after ending the abusive relationship she was in, and she was still no further along financially than she had been when she moved back. She was still back living with her parents, she was still in debt, and she was still working a menial job she had absolutely zero passion for.

That’s not to say she hadn’t been chipping away at these issues, but she knew that had she made these matters more of a priority, she might be further along in her quest to get back on her feet. Instead she had just wasted her time on fucking dating apps, constantly being let down by both men in general, and by her unrealistic hopes and expectations. She finally recognized that something needed to change. 

A week or two had gone by, and she was feeling a bit better about her dating woes. She had been supplementing her swiping time by spending more time on Instagram. Probably not the healthiest substitute, but baby steps, right? As she scrolled away, watching reels and stories of her favourite influencers, she was seeing a lot of things pertaining to ADHD. Now, to be clear, she was in no way taking medical advice from anyone on Instagram, but there was one story by Busy Philipps that really caught her attention.

She had been an admirer of Busy Philipps since the early days of IG Stories. She felt a connection to her in so many ways such as her eclectic style of clothing and music, the way she overshared and rambled on about nothing and everything at the same time. Her love of bright colours, and what she perceived as a very generous and caring heart.

She saw a lot of herself in this actress turned influencer, so it really struck her when she watched a Busy Philipps IG story where she went on a bit about her own ADHD. Also, a short time later, Busy (that’s right, we’re on a first name basis now) had talked in depth about it on her podcast. All of a sudden, alarm bells started ringing in her head.

Busy would say things about her ever looming anxiety and depression. Her low self-esteem, poor time management skills, and her scattered thinking. Busy also mentioned how, being recently divorced, she had joined the dating app Raya, but after a short lived situationship, decided to get off the app as she knew she would be too hyper-fixated on dating and it would end up consuming her. All of these things, Busy discovered, were symptoms of her ADHD.

She was stunned to hear that because all of those qualities that Busy had described were nearly exact descriptions of her own struggles. Her entire life, she had just chalked all of that up to regular societal influences. She figured everyone just felt shitty about themselves and got a bit obsessive about guys and dating. She thought it was just normal. Never had she ever considered she might have ADHD.

To her, ADHD was demonstrated by physical hyper activity. She pictured her younger male cousin growing up, who had been diagnosed with it at a young age, bouncin’ off the walls and never being able to sit still. That was definitely not her. It wasn’t until the last few years, though, that she had seen in the news or in random studies, that ADHD presents itself very differently between males and females.

The more she researched, the more she realized that this could actually be a real thing for her. Could she have gone her entire life living with undiagnosed ADHD? Is that why she always felt scattered and erratic? Is that why she had so much trouble sticking to a budget? Why she thrived on chaos? Is this why she had so much trouble with dating?? Obsessing over every guy, over the slightest glance or insinuation of affection? Why she fell so hard and so quickly over and over and over again? Maybe, maybe not? At the very least, she thought it warranted a visit to her doctor…

Continue to Chapter Eighty Six

or read my personal essay entitled Puzzle Pieces: an adult ADHD experience

They were close to Curtis’ condo by the time she decided she did want to have sex after all. He held the door for her as they entered his building. Sa-waannkkyy! 

They got in the elevator, and as the doors closed he came up real close to her, forcing her to step back so she was up against the wall. Towering over her as he looked down, he held her neck. Resting his thumb under her chin, his lips close to hers. She longed for him to kiss her, just as the doors opened. He only lived on the second floor. What a tease.

Curtis held the door for her again as they entered his condo. Holy shit it was gorgeous. Open concept, beautiful hardwood floors, floor to ceiling windows, and a gorgeous kitchen with a decent sized island considering the square footage. He guided her to the couch and set up the TV before heading in to the kitchen to grab them both some waters.

When Curtis returned, he set the drinks down on the table, sat on the couch, and lifted his arm to have her snuggle in beside him. She got comfortable next to him and they started watching the show. Inevitably, Curtis’ hands started to wander.

First he felt her up over her shirt. Slowly and sensually, he then reached in under her bra and she felt a wave of electricity course through her entire body. She turned her head and looked up at him, and he kissed her deeply while he continued to caress her.

They made out on the couch for a while. She felt like a teenager again, not moving past second base. It was nice to take it slow, to feel the intense attraction build between them. Eventually, Curtis used his deep, dominant voice and ordered her to go to the bedroom.

She stood up, and he stood up behind her. He gently glided his hands from her shoulders down her arms. He then grabbed her by the wrists and crossed her arms behind her, holding them together with one hand. “Walk”, he ordered. She obeyed.

They reached the bedroom, and Curtis ordered her to take her clothes off. She did as she was told, but felt extremely vulnerable standing there naked. Whenever she found herself in that position, she preferred to lay down as soon as humanly possible. She went to get on the bed but Curtis stopped her. “Wait,” he said. “Let me look at you. Give me a spin…”

She did as she was told, hiding her stomach with her hands as she did so. “You are absolutely gorgeous,” he told her. “Did you know that?” “No..” she replied honestly. “Who told you you weren’t?” He asked. “Me…” she whispered. He then walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her naked waist. “I was going to say, I’ll have to beat up whoever said that to you. But if it’s you, maybe you should just be punished…” She smirked as she looked up at him. “I’m telling you. You’re gorgeous.” He said softly but firmly. “Don’t let yourself think otherwise…”

She wanted to both jump his bones and burst in to tears at the same time. Fortunately, instead, he got back in to Dom mode and ordered her to lay on her back. Again, she did as she was told, and Curtis hooked both his arms around the inside of her knees, pulling her to the edge of the bed. He then kneeled down, and began kissing her legs from her ankles upwards. Her entire body tingled and she gripped the sheets as he started pleasuring her with his soft lips and strong tongue.

Earlier at the restaurant, Curtis had consistently joked about his dick being below average size. For a man who was 6’1 and a solid 200something pounds, she figured he was just underselling himself so she would be pleasantly surprised if he wasn’t the biggest she’d ever seen. She soon discovered, though, that Curtis was in fact pretty small indeed. However, compared to other guys she’d been with with smaller packages, Curtis’ other skills were far above average. He had joked at dinner, “Hey, you gotta compensate for where you’re lacking…” And compensate he did!

It wasn’t often that she was able to finish from being eaten out, but she did. Twice. Curtis then pushed her legs back, slipped a condom on, and they started having sex. Again, not the biggest she’d ever been with, but it felt amazing. They went at it for at least an hour. He did all the rough stuff she loved without her saying a thing. He just instinctively knew what she’d like. And after he finished, he used his strong hands to treat her to another amazing orgasm. This is probably TMI, but she soaked the bed. It was insane.

Afterwards, they both laid there together in post coital bliss. She had moved over to a dryer section of the bed, and was now laying on her stomach. He crawled up beside her, and they shared a soft, deep, sensual kiss. He then began running his fingers softly up and down her spine, as well as gently caressing her now very red and tender hiney.

She sighed deeply and expressed how rare it was to receive this kind of after care from a guy. He assured her how seriously he took it. Curtis knew how important it was to ensure a submissive sexual partner was cared for and respected after a rough and rigorous sexual experience. She teared up a little bit having rarely, if ever, experienced that kind of reverence from someone. Fortunately, though, she was able to pass it off as sweat.

After a solid, like, 15 minutes of resting, she and Curtis got themselves cleaned up, and headed back to the living room. She was surprised that he wanted her to stay, rather than sending her on her way immediately afterwards. She felt very welcomed by him. Cherished, even.

As they cuddled together on the couch, resuming the show they had started earlier, it wasn’t long before she could feel the sexual tension begin to build again. With his arm around her, and her nuzzled in to him, he gently tickled her arm up and down. It sent shivers through her entire body. When she looked up at him, he was already looking back at her. They kissed softly, but their passion began to grow again.

Soon, without their lips parting, he took her by the hands and stood her up. Then he forcefully whipped her around and locked her hands behind her back again.

This time, instead of guiding her to the bedroom, he lead her to the kitchen and bent her right over the island. Crop top still on, leggings pulled down, the intensity of her pleasure was almost too much to bear. As she loudly vocalized her enjoyment, it was then that she realized that not only were the curtains open in his dining room, but so was the window. His poor neighbours, and anyone on the damn street, were getting a free show. On one hand she was mortified, but on the other, it made the entire experience all the more wild and intense.

After a little while he moved her back in to the bedroom where they came together in another glorious finale. By then it had gotten pretty late. After they rested for a little while again, she told him it was time for her to go and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

They had agreed that they would keep this as casual as possible, and would work on seeing each other like twice a month. That was more than good enough for her, and she was thrilled at the thought of this becoming a more regular thing. His condo was directly beside the elevator, so he walked her to the door and kissed her goodbye. He then stood there in his underwear and t-shirt with the door ajar, waiting with her as she called the elevator up.

The elevator doors opened, they each gave a little wave goodbye, and she scurried in and headed out. Her entire body was vibrating with joy and excitement. The rush and the thrill of the entire evening was all consuming. She genuinely had to pause and regroup as she sat in her car, before she was able to drive away. She didn’t wait too long, though, for fear of someone recognizing her from her live performance through the window…  

Continue to Chapter Eighty Five

Wednesday rolled around, and she and Kyle had agreed she would go over to his place around 7pm. She did some errands after work to kill some time before heading over. Still, she was early as usual, but he was ready for her this time and didn’t make her wait.

She walked in to Kyle’s apartment to see him standing in the front hall waiting for her. She knew exactly what to expect as he stepped forward and simultaneously grabbed her by the waist and the back of the neck, pulling her in to him. His strong arms and hands gripping her body as he kissed her deeply. She just melted in to him as he tore her clothes off and guided her to his bedroom. Another epic time was had.

Afterwards, she and Kyle caught up on how they’d been over the past two and a half months since the last time they had seen each other. He had gone to Europe to visit a friend, and she had… well, done fuck all to be perfectly honest.

She told him about her disappointing dating experiences with Erik and Luca, but Kyle was more shocked when she confessed that she hadn’t had sex since February (basically since the last time she had seen him, other than that quick-draw moment with Mo). They agreed (loosely) to try to meet up at least once a month, going forward. She wasn’t hopeful that Kyle would follow through on that, but it was a nice thought nonetheless.

After their little catch up sesh, it was time for round two, which was always better for her than the first time. She hung out for a little while afterwards but truly, now that they were done there really wasn’t any reason to stay. She got herself ready again and headed home.

Now that she had been properly man-handled, she was hopeful that the pleasure from that hook up would tie her over until she met someone new. Someone who wouldn’t fuck her over like Erik and Luca had, and who might be able to give her the pleasure that Kyle gave her on, perhaps, a more regular basis.

Enter Curtis.

She matched with Curtis the same day she had seen Kyle. He was charming and complimentary. They gave each other the bullet points of each other’s situation and what they were looking for. She explained that ideally the end goal for her would be to start a real relationship with someone, but in reality she was just taking things as they came. Trying to stay open to what the Universe presented to her. Curtis was recently out of a relationship (because of course he was) and made it very clear that he was not at all looking to jump in to another one.

Typical. Guy after guy, it was always the same old story. No one wanted anything serious. Everyone was fresh out of a relationship. She knew she was setting herself up for failure by pursuing something of which both she and Curtis weren’t exactly on the same page, but she didn’t care. She wanted to meet him. And if she stopped herself from dating all these guys who weren’t ready for a relationship, she’d never go out on another date again. It was worth the risk, she felt.

Once they had established their dating goals, Curtis was quick to offer to take her out, and she was quick to accept. He suggested she meet him at his condo that coming Saturday, and they could walk to a nearby restaurant. After her harrowing experience with Derek, she was a little hesitant to meet a stranger at their place. However, she was clear that there were no promises for sex or anything other than just a drink and some conversation. Curtis was respectful of her boundaries and assured her they would just see if they vibed, and would go from there.

Though her guard was still up, she was enchanted by Curtis. He was confident but not cocky. Complimentary, but also mysterious. He would drop little nuggets of information about himself, but not enough to fill her in completely. She constantly felt the need to ask more questions. Which yes, that’s how a conversation works, she realized. But it was different. It felt like he was trying to make her work for it, which she kind of liked. He showed his interest in her but didn’t make it easy to get it out of him. She enjoyed the challenge, and this is all before they had even met. She agreed to his plan of meeting him at his place and walking over to that restaurant.  

Saturday came, and they arranged to meet for 5pm. Curtis’ thinking was that if the date was shit, it would be over before the night really began and they’d each have a chance to reclaim their evenings separately. If things did work out, though, then they just had more time to spend together. He’s a damn genius, she thought.

She lazed about all day before getting herself ready around 3pm. Curtis messaged her and said he was done his commitments earlier than he had expected and that she could come by whenever. After going through every item of clothing she owned, she settled on the first thing she had tried on and headed out, still only making it to his place for their originally agreed upon time.

When she got there, she realized she had fucked up royally. Even though the sun was out and it was a beautiful May afternoon, the wind was cold AF and she was wearing only leggings and a crop top. She texted Curtis that she had arrived, and told him that it would be mighty gentlemanly of him to bring her down a sweater. He texted her two shirt options to choose from before coming out to meet her.

When he stepped through the front doors of his building, she looked up from her phone and was pleasantly surprised. Though he looked exactly like his profile pics, she had been conditioned to expect disappointment, especially after her last two dates. Though neither Erik or Luca had catfished her or anything, she still had very low expectations of Curtis being as good as he seemed.

When she saw him come out his building and begin walking down the steps, she realized how attracted she was to him. She eagerly bit her lip, but corrected herself in to a regular smile as he approached her with a welcoming hug and the shirt he had brought down for her.

You guys, his vibe was perfect. Friendly, charming, complimentary, and self-deprecating. Exactly her type. Plus he was tall. His profile said 6’1 but she had been expectng 5’8 (low expectations, remember?) Again, very pleasantly surprised.

He lived in a gorgeous part of town. Beautiful trees lining the streets, in front of a modge-podge of older heritage homes. A classic neighbourhood in which she knew she could never afford to live.

As they strolled down towards the restaurant, Curtis would guide her by placing his hand on the small of her back and indicating which way to go with his other hand. Sounds trivial, but his light touch on her back sent sexy shivers up her spine. He also made sure to always put her on the inside of the side walk, placing himself between her and the traffic. She couldn’t recall the last time anyone had treated her so chivalrously. Green fucking flag.

As they walked, their conversation flowed so easily. Having both grown up in the city, they quickly realized that they knew a lot of the same people. Not surprising considering their “big city” was actually such a small town. Turns out, some of his best friends were guys she had gone to high school with. They were a grade above her, but when Curtis mentioned one name in particular, she confessed that she had actually made out with that guy back in grade 11. Because of course she had.

Curtis laughed and was actually intrigued by that. “Can’t wait to put that in the group chat,” he said. She was only mildly embarrassed, knowing that the make out sesh she had had with his friend back in high school had been fueled by a lot of alcohol and bad decisions. She assured Curtis that she had grown a lot since then, and she told herself in her head that she fucking better have!

They arrived at the restaurant, which typically had a significant line up, but were seated immediately at a high-top table facing the water. This restaurant was gorgeous. It sat basically atop a waterfall, just on the outskirts of the downtown core. The view over the water was breathtaking, and she was taken aback that Curtis had chosen to bring her there. She wasn’t used to guys ever putting that much thought in to dates. She loved that Curtis had taken charge, and that he chose to bring her to such a great spot.

The server came by, and Curtis ordered them a bottle of Rosé. They cheers’d, and continued their conversation from the walk over. Curtis definitely had a dark sense of humour. He was a bit raunchy and crude at times, but he did it with such charm. He made her laugh, and he flirted with her incessantly. He would hold her hand briefly, at times, as he carried on the conversation. An excuse to touch her, she figured, but each time was a welcomed gesture. Their legs touched under the table and she felt a shock wave right to her downstairs area. Their chemistry was electric.

One shared bottle of wine and two fancy chicken tacos later, she was feeling more and more comfortable with him. By that time, their PG-13 conversation had turned 18A. Skirting the line of a full blown R or X rating. She blushed at all the dirty things he said, but again, he did it with such charisma that she couldn’t help but laugh. They ordered another bottle of Rosé, and a second appetizer to tie them over.

A month or so earlier, she had had a profound realization about herself that drinking was likely not a good option for her anymore. Though she never considered herself an alcoholic, her history with drinking was not a good one. She never craved a drink like a “typical” alcoholic might. She didn’t drink during the week or on her own. She never craved it, and could go months without tasting a drop. However, when she did drink, she never knew when to stop. She didn’t have that voice in her head telling her, “Hey, you’re making a complete ass of yourself. Maybe time for a water?”

Being that she and Curtis were quick with the drinks as soon as they had sat down, she was trying to be good by ordering food and asking for more water as often as she could. The server should have just left a pitcher of water at their table, but he hadn’t, so she’d have to wave him down every time she wanted a re-fill.

As the server had just opened their second bottle of Rosé, she made sure to ask for another glass of water. By this point the restaurant had filled up and their server was swamped. He rushed back to the bar to grab her more water, and hurried back to fill both her and Curtis’ glasses before rushing off to another table.

As Curtis continued talking about whatever it was he had been saying, she took a big swig of her newly refilled water. Immediately she knew that something was wrong. Her cheeks filled up with whatever it was she had just drank, but she couldn’t spit it out anywhere because there were people literally everywhere around them. She had no choice but to swallow whatever it was that the server had poured them.

“BLECH!” she exclaimed as she slammed the glass down on the table. “What is that!?” An expression of both shock and concern spread across Curtis’ face. He sniffed her glass, he sniffed his, and he declared, “Oh my god that vinegar!”, before bursting out laughing. “What!?” she asked, incredulously. She took a big sip of her wine to try to get the vinegar taste out of her mouth. How had she not smelled it when she was drinking it?!

They were both hysterically laughing at this point. Curtis called the server over and they explained what had happened. The poor server looked like he could have just died after having made that mistake. Obviously someone had put a pitcher of vinegar next to a pitcher of water back at the bar. The server was very nice and promised to take her tacos off the bill to compensate for the unintentional vinegar shot she had taken.

As embarrassed as she felt, Curtis was wonderful in helping her laugh it off and reminding her it wasn’t even her fault, it was the server’s mistake. They cheers’d their Rosé, and she made sure to take a big sip of the brand new glass of actual water that the server had brought over.

As the sun was setting, the view just got better and better. Except the wind was picking up, so the servers were handing out blankets. They were both shivering now. Curtis in his lightweight white button down, and she in her crop top and the blue dress shirt he had lent her. They chugged the rest of their wine (classy), he paid the bill, and they agreed to head back to his place.

Though their walk to the restaurant was picturesque AF, on the walk back Curtis decided to take her on the even more scenic route to check out more of that lovely area of town. By this time, he had moved on from a gentle touch at the small of her back, to just fully putting his arm around her. They walked like that, intertwined in each other, the entire way home.

The sexual tension had been building and building. He told her some of the sexy, dominant things he wanted to do to her, and she looked up at him with her longing eyes, eager for him to just take her. They stopped walking and he looked down at her, matching her gaze. Neither of them looking away.

“So I guess you wouldn’t mind if I did this…”, Curtis said as he kept his one arm locked around her shoulders, slowly bringing his other hand up towards her neck. He gripped her throat softly yet firmly, and kissed her. Her knees buckled and she basically could have finished right there in the street. She started this date so sure that it wouldn’t end in sex. Now, here she was, thinking about how they couldn’t get back to his place fast enough. 

“You taste like vinegar…” Curtis joked as they increased their walking pace back to his condo.

Continue to Chapter Eighty Four

Two weeks went by and she hadn’t heard from Erik at all. She surprised herself by being genuinely okay about that. He had made it clear that he was fresh out of a relationship and that he worked a lot, so she knew going in to it that this was unlikely to go very far. She still hoped to hear from him sometime, but she wasn’t basing her entire dating life on that.

She continued about her regular day to day, and continued on the apps per yooj. It was early April when she matched with another good looking Ginger on Bumble. We’ll call him Luca. Luca was the punk rock version of Erik. He had a longer reddish/brown beard than Erik did, long red hair that he kept in a low man-bun beneath his backwards trucker cap. Covered in tattoos like Erik, so that was hot, but he also had gigantic, gauged ears which was typically not her cup of tea. They worked for him, though.

Similarly to Erik being in the military, Luca wasn’t generally someone she would go for. But he had a great smile and his profile made her laugh so she thought, what the hell. She sent him a message and waited to hear back.

Later that night, Luca replied to her. He was just as charming and funny in conversation as his profile had promised. It was a Wednesday night, and they chatted all evening long. Luca messaged her bright and early the next morning and they chatted all day while she was at work. Luca worked as a roofer, so the fact that he was taking time out of his much busier day than hers to message her, was a nice green flag.

They talked about meeting up sometime and, as it turned out, they happened to both be free that evening. It was rare to click with someone on a dating app so quickly, and then to meet them quickly as well rather than chatting for weeks and weeks and it going nowhere. She typically never went out during the week because she found it difficult to schedule things around her nannying side-gig some evenings. However, she was realizing that limiting herself like that had been making her dating life harder, so she agreed to meet up.

He invited her to meet him for a drink at one of her go-to date restaurants. The location he suggested was not one she had ever been to, but she knew the area and was fine to accommodate. Fortunately, it was a hair-wash day so she was able to go meet him right from work and not worry about looking like a can of smashed ass holes, as she often felt she did on non-hair wash days.

She arrived at the restaurant before him, and messaged him after she parked. She didn’t want to go in and wait alone, so she stayed in her car and waited for his response. It was then that she saw a giant white pick-up truck with a rusty white cab on the back rip in to the parking lot. She knew immediately that that was him. She kept checking if he would message her back once he parked, but as she saw Luca walk past her car she just got out to meet him instead.

She startled him by calling his name from behind, as he was already headed towards the restaurant. He back-tracked to come meet her, and they greeted each other with an awkward side-hug and goofy smiles. Despite his rough exterior, Luca was a gentleman at heart. He held the door for her, he followed her lead to where they would sit, and even pulled her chair out for her. Luca was quiet at first, but her disdain for awkward silences allowed her to blabber on and keep the conversation going.

The server came by and they ordered their drinks. Unlike Erik, Luca definitely drank. He seemed proud to proclaim that he sometimes drank a six-pack a night. Ugh, red flag. She understood too, though, that that was the culture of his career. Work all day in the hot, hot sun, get rewarded afterwards with a nice cold beer… or six.

She moved passed it. Once they both had had a few sips of their beers, Luca started to come out of his shell a little bit. They actually had a lot in common. They enjoyed a lot of the same types of music, same shows, and he was even a little interested in art, which was her passion. She showed him something art related on her Instagram, and they then both followed the other on IG rather than continuing chatting through Bumble later.

The server came by again and they ordered their meals. Luca got some kind of delicious chicken and sun dried tomato wrap with fries, and she ordered a chicken curry bowl thing that she had had at this restaurant dozens of times. Never once had she been disappointed. This time, however, since they were at a location she had never been to which clearly did things differently, her meal came out as basically curry noodle soup. Not at all what she was expecting.

She was never the type of person to send food back, but Luca encouraged her to do so since he could tell how disappointed she was. She sent it back and asked for rice instead of noodles, which is how she had typically had it before. It came back with rice, but with as much sauce as she had had with the noodles. So now it was just a bunch of half-cooked rice floating around in a pool of, now cold, coconut curry sauce. There was no way she was about to return it again, she was just going to suck it up and eat what she could.

Despite her efforts to hide her disappointment, Luca could tell that she was still not happy. It was then that he offered to share half his wrap with her. She declined, not wanting to commandeer his meal, but he insisted saying that he didn’t think he would have eaten the whole thing anyways. A bold faced lie, she knew, but she was genuinely so hungry and it was so kind and generous of him to offer. She reluctantly accepted, and Luca turned his plate towards her so she could grab the second half of his wrap. Big green flag.

It was nearly 9pm when their date came to its natural conclusion. They had met up at around 5pm, so that’s a pretty decent first date duration, she thought. He paid the bill, from which the server had kindly removed her meal, and walked her out to her car. They hugged goodbye, much less awkwardly than their hug at the beginning of the night, and he asked if her could take her out again sometime. She agreed and told him to text her, before getting in to her car and driving off.

She didn’t feel the same way she had felt after her date with Erik, but she thought that might be a good thing. Butterflies always seemed to get her in to trouble. Maybe it was a good thing that she wasn’t melting in to a puddle for Luca. She went to work the next day, and was happy to hear from Luca around lunch time. He asked her if she was free the following Saturday, which she was. He said he wanted to take her to some restaurant downtown he really liked. She had never heard of it but was down for whatever. She was just excited to actually have a second date planned.

Early the next week while she was at work, her phone lit up. She glanced at it quickly as she continued typing her e-mail, but stopped dead when she saw Erik’s name appear on her screen. She grabbed her phone and opened the message. First he apologized for having not been in touch. He explained that he had been away, came back that past weekend but had had a bunch of house stuff to do around his new place, and that he was headed out on another work trip that week.

She was shocked that he had the common courtesy to check in with her. At that point she had basically written him off. She told him she understood that he was busy, but emphasized that she was still interested in meeting up again when he had some time. He told her that he would definitely message her when he was back from this next trip. Again, this could have all been bullshit, but why message her at all then, if it was? The fact that Erik took the time to just catch her up on where he was at, and to assure her that he was still interested, was good enough for her. And in the meantime, she would just see how things played out with Luca.

Unfortunately, that Thursday evening, Luca messaged her saying he wasn’t able to meet up that Saturday, after all. He said his boss was sending him to a different job site about two hours west of the city. He emphasized that he really needed the extra pay and that he couldn’t turn this job down, but that he would make it up to her another time. She was obviously disappointed but what could she do? She told him it was fine and to message her whenever he was free next. He agreed, and apologized again. Womp womp, oh well, she thought.

That weekend came and went. The following week came and went. They were now in to May and she hadn’t heard from either Erik or Luca. She decided on that Friday (so now two weeks after she had heard from Erik), to send him a quick text and see if he was free sometime soon. No reply all day. It wasn’t until that Sunday that Erik responded saying, “Hey, sorry for the delayed reply. I’ve actually met someone so unfortunately I won’t be able to meet up again. All the best”.

She looked at that message in disbelief. What the fucking fuck!? Why string her along then? Why message her and assure her he’d be in touch to get together again? She had already written him off. She was fine! She had accepted that he was busy and that she likely wouldn’t hear from him again. Then he messages her to what, just keep her on the hook? And then not even text her to say he’s not available anymore? Where is the logic there?? He could have just never messaged her again after their first date and she would have been perfectly fine. If he had the “decency” to message her to explain his absence, he should have had the decency to message her and say he had met someone. Or even just say he’s too busy to date. Whatever! Instead he gets her hopes up again and then just leaves her to wonder? Fuck that. Ugh! She was more angry than she was disappointed.

She vented her frustrations to her friends in the group chat but chose not to dwell on it much longer than that. She decided it was more on her for actually expecting something to work out with him. She should have known better that every guy sucked, regardless of how great they seemed. This point was drilled in to her head even more firmly the next day when she went to look at Luca’s Instagram, to then find out he had both unfollowed her, and removed her as a follower. What the fuuuccckkkkkk??

First Erik, then Luca. She couldn’t decide which was worse. Erik bailing on her but only after she messaged him, or Luca just flat out ghosting her after also having said he’d want to reschedule?

Man these guys were such fucking pussies! Except no, pussies are strong and reliable. These guys were just a bunch of saggy ball sacks. Too weak to follow through on even a mild commitment, or to be honest and just say, “I’m actually not able to get together again. Sorry, good luck to you”. Erik only did it after she messaged him first, and Luca didn’t even do it at all!

She was angry. She was hurt. She was disappointed. And yet, not at all surprised. Then, as if by magic or by some kind of intense sexual radar, from out of nowhere, who did she come across on Bumble? Kyle. He had never been on the dating apps when she had first met him, but now he was everywhere. She matched with him and sent him a message.

How was it that the 20something DJ with commitment issues whom she had been hooking up on and off with for over a year now, was the most reliable guy she had in her life? Now that they had reconnected (on both Facebook Dating and now Bumble), and he had apologized for his shitty behaviour the summer before, Kyle was the only one she knew she could rely on for being completely honest with her, and who was always true to his word when they would make plans.

He responded to her almost immediately and asked her when she was free over the next week. She told him that coming Wednesday or Friday was open for her, so they agreed to meet Wednesday night for what she knew would be another amazing sexual rendezvous. Was it the second date(s) she had been hoping for? No. But a hot guy getting her off was better than continuing to stew in the overwhelming feeling of rejection which she had been in…

Continue to Chapter Eighty Three

Her week long whirlwind with Mo happened in February. A few weeks went by, and she disinterestedly continued to swipe away on the apps. Same old same old.

She was so blasé about dating now. Mo had gotten her hopes up for the first time in a long time, and now she felt pre-disappointed by anyone she was even mildly attracted to. Then one day in March, there he was. The most gorgeous male specimen she had ever laid her eyes on. Tall, broad shoulders, tattoos and… Ginger. If you’re a die-hard here you’ll know how much she loves a Ginge. He had thick, deep red hair, brownish/red eye brows, a brownish/red beard, and two full sleeves of tattoos. She fell hard for this guy at the mere sight of him. We’ll call him Erik.

She went through Erik’s profile up and down, staring at his photos for far longer than was needed.  She immediately started fantasizing about what life would be like when they got married. Truly, it’s crazy how attracted she was to this guy and she hadn’t even met him.

Never in a million years did she think that he would ever swipe right on her. Guys she wanted never wanted her. That’s not insecurity, that’s just facts. Regardless, after screen shotting his pics, she swiped right. Fully expecting nothing to happen, she was shocked and delighted when she saw… IT’S A MATCH!

Omg! Omg! He had already swiped right on her and now they had matched… Aahhhh!!

Okay, play it cool, she thought. Don’t message him just yet. She tried to wait as long as she could but literally like 3 minutes went by and she couldn’t wait a second longer. She sent him her usual greeting and hoped for the best.

She had to distract herself. Otherwise she would just be staring at her phone longing for him to reply. She tossed her phone face down on her bed and went to work out, hoping desperately that when she was done she would have a message from Erik. About an hour later she came back upstairs and, low and behold, her dream man had responded. And what’s even more shocking? He was a completely normal, charming, regular guy.

Growing up, whenever she pictured her future husband, he never had a face. He was always just this tall, shadowy-faced figure. For the first time ever in her life, that faceless image seemed a bit less blurry. Now, was she getting ahead of herself? Oh absolutely. She’s completely insane, clearly. But only on the inside. In conversation with Erik she was actually surprisingly cool and nonchalant.

She told him her little sob story, and Erik filled her in on his. He was in the military as some kind of trainer. Not like with guns or anything physical. Something to do with strategy and academics. He would travel around Canada and the US and teach military folk in a class room, but he didn’t really elaborate more than that. Nor did she ask. In general, she wasn’t really in to military guys. Of course for Erik she was making an exception. He then dropped this bad news bomb; that he was only two months out of a 15 year relationship.

Son of a bitch. Apparently that was par for the course, though, for dating in your 30’s / after a pandemic. Most singles are single because they’ve just come out of their first marriage, a long term relationship, or an ill-conceived Covid fling. Hence, hook up culture. No one wants to start anything serious because they’ve all just come out of something serious. Now it was time for fun. She understood. That’s how she felt too. Or, at least how she used to feel.

The longer she found herself on those apps, the more she was realizing that it wasn’t really for her anymore. She did want something more than just a one night stand. Of course, she wasn’t about to say that to Erik. She at least wanted to go on a date with him first. Dazzle him with her charm and wit and surely he would want to jump in to marriage again, no?

She and Erik chatted all evening, and though he was going away on business later that week, he asked her out on a date the following weekend. To which she eagerly and happily agreed. They decided to meet the following Saturday at an Irish pub downtown .

That week went by in a flash. When Saturday came, she arrived before him and was seated way, wayyy in the back of the pub. This establishment was kind of like a maze. Every corner you turned there was another room, another dance floor, another bar. They had agreed to meet at 9pm so she was shocked to have even gotten a table at all, knowing the bar would start to get busier as the night went on.

She ordered a water and tried to look normal as she waited for Erik to arrive. She wasn’t sure what “look normal” meant, but she knew she was at a 12/10 on the nervous scale. She looked up from her glass as she sipped, and there he was. This giant, gorgeous man squeezing through the tiny little halls and lowered ceilings. She wanted to get up to greet him with a hug, but it was too tight to really maneuver so she settled for a welcoming smile.

“It’s so nice to meet you,” he began. “You too,” she replied. The server came by and took their orders. Erik motioned for her to order first, so she ordered a pint of Michelob Ultra, expecting him to get some hops-filled craft IPA. “Just a coffee for me, thanks” Erik said. The server headed over to the bar and Erik continued, “oh ya, I don’t drink.”

She now felt stupid for ordering a beer, but that’s what you do at bars! “Oh no,” she laughed. “We could have gone somewhere else?” “No, no. I like the atmosphere here. It’s a good spot” Erik insisted as they both scanned the now much louder and much fuller bar than that which they had been sitting in a few moments earlier.

“It’s really starting to fill up,” he remarked as the server returned with their drinks. “What??” she shouted to him from across the table. The music had just gone up and the party level of the bar had increased substantially. They spent the rest of their date leaning over the table, basically talking face to face in order to hear each other.

Despite the sitcom like atmosphere they found themselves in, she was genuinely enjoying herself. Erik was everything she had hoped he’d be. He was funny, he was charismatic, he was open and forthcoming about his recent separation and what he was looking for. They had a lot in common when it came to their failed relationships. They had each been wronged by their former partners.  Turns out Erik’s ex had cheated on him, though he only ever alluded to that fact and never flat out said it. It wasn’t an amicable separation, to say the least. She had been trying not to talk about her ex so much on dates anymore, but it was hard not to when that was all she had to relate to his stories.

They talked for as long as they could before the bar got more crowded and they could barely hear each other at all anymore. “Do you want to go for a walk?” Erik suggested. She enthusiastically agreed. The server had already come by to settle up as the pub had switched over to bar service, so she took one last sip of her half finished beer, and they headed out.

She guided them through the wall-to-wall Gen Z’s as Erik towered over everyone, even as he hunched beneath the low ceilings. They finally made it outside and she was hit with the brick wall of cold winter air. She had hoped Erik would notice how cold she was and just scoop her up in his big strong arms to keep her warm. Alas, he did not.

They started walking and continued their conversation. She could tell he was trying to word things right, not wanting to shit on his ex, but also wanting to be truthful. She continued on as she usually did; trying to flirt but likely acting a fool. She was just so awkward! She was funny when she didn’t mean to be, and when she tried to crack a joke, they never seemed to land. Still, he seemed to be enjoying her company. At least she hoped he was.

The wind started to pick up and it was getting colder as the night wore on. They turned around and he offered to walk her to her car which was parked a few blocks passed the pub. When they got there, they said their goodbyes and he came in for a hug. She ascended on to her tippy toes as he bent down, and she felt like she had just hugged a concrete pillar. He was so solid, my gosh..

He kissed her cheek and told her he had had a nice time. “Chat soon” he said as she got in to her car. He continued to walk down the sidewalk in the direction she would be driving. He waved at her as she passed him, and it wasn’t until he was out of her eyeline that she allowed herself to let out a little yelp of excitement. She had had a really nice time. No sexual innuendos, no dirty jokes, no hook up. Just a lovely, regular first date with a nice guy she was hopeful to see again.

Erik texted her on Tuesday. He confirmed that he had really enjoyed their date and that he’d like to take her out again. Unfortunately, though, he would be away for work for the next two weeks but said he’d love to get together when he got back.

Now, anyone who’s dated ever knows that that could have been complete bullshit. That’s something a Fuck Boy would say in order to keep things casual. She chose to believe that this was the truth. And based on everything he had told her, she had no reason to assume otherwise. She replied to Erik’s text by saying that she would love to get together with him when he was back. She told him to message her when he was available next, leaving the ball completely in his court.

In the meantime, she carried on as if they had never gone out. She knew where he stood, he knew where she stood. She accepted that she couldn’t rush this in any way, but she was still hopeful for a second date. Though she was exploding with anticipation of their next encounter, she somehow was able to reign in her expectations and take things a day at a time. Unusual for her. With any guy she was ever semi-interested in, she was usually able to dismiss them and move on. With someone she had a crush on, however, she would normally obsess and overthink. In this case she felt confident that she could take Erik at his word, and that she would see him again soon enough.

Continue to Chapter Eighty Two